I completely agree re minimum wage job. Even a better paid job can be a trap rather than a way out. I don't think either is a good option for you. As I said, you come across as very bright. Not all education is school education and I wasn't talking myself down with the comparison - after all, you're quite a few years ahead of me. I don't know what it is you should do and it's quite hard to start something by yourself, but I think you have it in you to find (hell, carve out of rock) a source of funds. You've already broken into a field that's hard to break into. It's not very profitable but it probably isn't generally. Just because some writers make big bucks it doesn't mean that you fail by not doing so. Writing is not a job that pays the bills and you've got it to pay some bills. That's big.
I thought about moving because I seem to recall you saying that you were afraid to go out of the house (different thread, different time). That's a really rough way to live and not the norm. There are places where you don't have to worry about that, even in a poor neighbourhood. If it is that rough, I'd class it under 'bad enough to take a gamble and move'. But maybe I misunderstood and the area isn't that bad.
The rest seems to be a question of spoons. And I agree, you can't spend more spoons than you've got and of course I cannot imagine the sort of obstacles this creates for you. All I can say is I'm sorry that you have been going through that, it sucks beyond belief. It makes me very angry (with what? people? the powers that be? it really is pointless) and arrrrgh I just hope you get to see some positive change soon. Because it's way overdue.
I feel like I need to clear something up. I live in an objectively safe neighborhood now
. I'm afraid to leave my house because I have violence-related OCD and PTSD. My PTSD means that I'm easily startled and hypervigilant. When I am startled, or when someone explicitly attracts my attention (by unexpectedly turning and talking to me, for example) my OCD is frequently triggered and I get intrusive thoughts of violence, usually that I'm about to be attacked, or occasionally an urge to attack the person who startles me. These episodes are very disturbing; like having a panic attack combined with a feeling like you're going crazy plus physical nausea. So when I leave the house, I'm afraid of meeting anyone
a lot of the time because I'm afraid of having one of these episodes. Now, with that in mind, were I to leave the house presenting as a woman, I would be visibly gender nonconforming/freakish. Which means that I would draw a lot of attention to myself. This creates a sort of feedback loop where not being able to pass magnifies the discomfort I experience from my OCD and PTSD. If I move to a worse neighborhood, that problem is just going to get worse. This is why I complain about my appearance; because not passing makes my life literally intolerable because of my other disorders. If I passed, I would be invisible, but I would be invisible living my life the way I want to live it, and my quality of life would be much higher. Being in the closet isn't an option because a life like that isn't worth living. I came out to avoid suicide.
When I say that I don't want to work in retail, it's because I'm trying to avoid what would basically be a state of constant panic, nausea, and violent ideation while I'm at work, and perpetual dread when I'm not at work (while I wait for my next shift to start) and all the migraines, insomnia, nightmares, etc., that go along with that. It would almost certainly also trigger my colitis. I know how this goes, because that's what my last job was like. I felt sure I was going to die of a heart attack every day I went to work because my anxiety was always astronomical. If I did somehow manage to get a job, that will just be worse if I'm openly trans. If I can't make working from home work for me, and I lose my house, I'll probably just kill myself, because if I have to live like that again, my life is literally not worth living. It might
have been worth living if I had some reason to exist outside of work, but the "job satisfaction" I get from the thinking/reading/writing I currently do is the only satisfaction I have access to. If I have to get a "real" job just to pay my bills I'll lose the only source of satisfaction I have. There's just no point living. But it's hard to understand how anyone could feel the way I feel unless you understand what all my problems are and how they interact. The whole thing feels like a carefully designed trap by an evil god.
And I don't expect other people to support me financially. These are obviously my problems and they're my responsibility to solve. It would just be nice if someone took them seriously so I could get assisted s****** when I get to that point. But everyone seems to think I can solve these problems myself. Well, I've been trying for over 30 years and I haven't made any progress yet.
Anyway, that's just more pathetic whinging. You don't have to reply to that. Thanks for the kind words.
Just to add to what rabidfoxes is saying. I think you paint cheap apartments with too broad a brush. And I know you think urban inner city people are more accepting of trans people, but they sure don't sound safe from your experiences, so I think you should consider suburbs where the density is less severe and thus the odds favor less monstrous people within x meters of you. If there's thousands of people in your neighborhood there are going to be a few bad apples, and if you stand out in a crowd they'll find you.
Living my last 12 years in a couple of subsidized low income apartments, I've yet to have a conversation with a neighbor or learn one of their names, let alone have a confrontation with one. People mind their own business. Never seen any crime, never felt unsafe walking the neighborhood. Certainly never had anywhere near as many problems as your condo has. I'm pretty sure I make less money than you do, but poverty doesn't have to mean desperation or despair.
The bad landlord problem can happen when you rent from a private individual. Big complexes managed by corporations usually provide a safe consistent level of mediocrity, and if you don't like the manager they'll probably be gone in a year anyway.
The only places I've lived where people didn't mind their own business and made me uncomfortable, and where I've seen police with guns drawn and other crime, were much more expensive middle class neighborhoods.
Frankly, from reading your posts over the years, getting away from your family's regular impositions and self-sabotage seems like it'd be bound to help.
Well, I probably wouldn't be accepted for an apartment owned by a corporation like that because they do credit checks. I've been turned down for all kinds of apartments.
I doubt you make less money, but I obviously don't know. From my writing, I only make a couple hundred dollars a month. People on welfare make a lot more than I do from my writing. So if you make less than that, you have my condolences, lol. Most of my income comes from my brother's rent money, which I would lose if I moved. So moving would mean the loss of the majority of my income. It's literally not possible for me to move unless I also get a regular job (or multiple jobs) first, and if I could get a job, I wouldn't be in this situation. The only reason I still have a house is because I never spent anything when I was working and I'm living on the last of my savings. When that's gone, I'm gone, for all the reasons above.
Maybe poverty by itself doesn't have to mean desperation and despair. Maybe you don't need healthcare or heat in winter to be happy, idk. But if you pile enough problems on top of one another at some point you can't expect people to be content about it. I'm extremely poor, I'm transgender, I don't pass, I'm old, I'm ugly, I'm mentally ill, I can't date, I have no friends IRL. How many problems do I need before I have the right to start feeling desperation and despair? Considering the statistics for people like me, the most amazing thing about me is that I'm still alive at all. A lot of people in my shoes wouldn't be.
I do appreciate the reply, even if my response comes across as really negative.