Have you ever felt like your whole world is falling apart? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-22-2020, 01:24 AM Thread Starter
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Have you ever felt like your whole world is falling apart?


This has surely been the worst year of my life. Honestly, as I see how all of the events happened, it seems like one of those movies where the characters are brought to madness. This sounds even more unrealistic the more I think about it... how can one year go so wrong?


Last year October: I came to Spain to study a master's degree after having saved money for five years in order to study overbroad. I was having problems adapting to the new lifestyle and new friends, but I assumed it was normal, after all, I had crossed the entire Atlantic ocean to come here.


March 2020: When things were somehow getting better, corona strikes. I was left alone for fifteen days. I thought: I have never felt so lonely


April 2020: The psychopath of my roommate came back to the apartment. He was mean, rude, violent. I had to hide in my room from him for an entire month. I ended up asking for help to my Uni.



May-June 2020: I reached at a new place and met a new roommate. The girl was quite crazy, but I let her be. She was always complaining for everything. When I began to feel slightly better, the owner of the apartment I was previously at kept contacting me demanding me to pay him for the services I wasn't using. I had a confrontation with him and, because of that, had to block him and two friends.


July 2020: I was trying to get a new job with no luck. Finally I get a job I didn't like, but which I would do because I truly needed the money.



August 2020: I get sick with coronavirus, my roommate has a mental breakdown, I have to leave her place and go with another roommate who again treats me badly. I'm finally confined under vigilance cameras so that I wouldn't "attempt" to leave. No doctor contacts me. Uni doesn't contact me. I am left to my own luck for an entire month because I couldn't get any answers. Then Uni comes in and forces me to leave by the end of the month as my contract is expiring. I leave without knowing if I could still be contagious.



September 2020: Because I had no other place to go, feeling completely drained and stressed, I decide to come live with my sister and her "friend" she's been living with for about a year and she hadn't had any problems with her. When I arrive, this one "friend" returns with her toxic boyfriend, she brings him home almost every day even against our liking and on Saturday the 20th, they have a discussion. She comes home and the man pursues her. He's drunk. He starts calling the rings of every single person in the apartment and as she refuses to see him, he punches the crystal door in the entrance of the building until he manages to open a hole, puts his hand in and makes himself into the building. He comes to our room and starts ringing the bell like crazy. We are forced to call the police. As the police comes, they ask the girlfriend to report him but she ends up favoring him. Now, with my sister, we are basically forced to leave this place, otherwise this girl will bring this criminal here again (claiming that he hasn't done anything wrong).


My sister and I are now searching for a new place and yet I can't expect but the worst outcome. No, I will never be able to make a healthy living here. Going back to my country, that's all I can think of now and I don't leave right now just so that I don't leave my sister alone. But I am sick of all this mess, sick of people, sick of life. Again I can't sleep, again I'm restless, again I'm nervous and stressed... I'll never get out of this, I am doomed...
Please, let it all end!!
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-22-2020, 02:37 AM
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Just hang in there. Your vent started in February or March 2020, and yet you hung in there all the way to have a paragraph in September 2020. Which means you will just get through it month by month. Eventually this will all just be an engaging story you will looking back and be telling others in the future about your hellish 2020 year in Spain.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-22-2020, 03:12 AM Thread Starter
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@Blue Dino : I don't know... I don't know how to hang in there anymore... I'm so tired
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-22-2020, 07:36 AM
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Hopefully that's all the bad luck in your life out of the way and the next 60 years will be smooth sailing.

You took some big risks moving across the world and moving in with people you didn't know. Sometimes risks end in disaster. But you can still pat yourself on the back for having tried when most people wouldn't have. If it's time to declare it over and move back home to a safer situation, there's no shame in that.

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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-22-2020, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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@Paul : Thank you for your words. Yeah, I'm really considering going back home. I know the reason I left my home was because I felt trapped in a dangerous country. I'm from El Salvador, one of the most violent countries in the world, we have such a high rate of criminality and violence. There are no jobs and the country is basically sinking.



I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to leave to a better place, to give it a try to succeed at what I truly love. I really tried... but maybe this place is not for me. Maybe I shouldn't have come in the first place but oh well, things were already done and I can't change anything about it. But this is the main reason I feel so frustrated; because the things I was actually running away from I found them right here, as if life itself wanted me to confront my biggest fears.


It's crazy how now going back home feels safer...

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-26-2020, 10:39 PM
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Pretty much, everyday I feel like my environment is being remapped. The people that surrounds me are automatically set to hinder me from having a proper living.

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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 12:42 AM
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Sure it happens easy, our lives are a house of cards, it's easily rebuilt if it falls, well as long as we're still alive, but the trouble is we invest so much of our time & self worth in the first one, it often destroys us when it crumbles.







And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 11:24 AM
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only breakups made me feel like everything was over. I dont have much to lose now, theres not a lot to fall apart.

although the whole world is falling apart

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. ― Mother Teresa
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 01:00 PM
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I feel like my whole world is falling apart all the time. The amazing thing is that I'm still here. Nothing ever seems to work out for me. I'm convinced that life is a test designed to see how much suffering a person can take before they snap.

Hope things start looking up for you, OP.

Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 01:20 PM
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Yes. I don't like to revisit that time in my life (combination of health issues, family issues, personal issues, and my dreams crashing down in the most painful, soul crushing way - I was ready to commit suicide). It has happened more times since then- but like breakups - the first time will bulldoze you over and every subsequent breakup feels a little less bad. The lows don't feel as terribly low anymore.

What I learned is that for most people, the worst of times are not going to be forever. There's too many people, options, supports, advances in science and technology, and opportunities to stay there for good. This sounds like a bunch of rah-rah bulls.hit but I'm telling you, as long as you remain self-accountable and face your problems one day at a time, all the sh.it is going to be behind you eventually. Probably not to the point where you're happy, but it's not going to always be the absolute pits.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 01:51 PM
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If I ever felt like my life was together I'm sure I'd be feeling like it was falling apart right now. As it is, I just feel like it's gone from terrible to more terrible.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 02:06 PM
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I've felt like that so many times I wouldn't even be able to count them. When I was young it was because I'd broken up with some girl - in comparison to what I've felt later in life that was absolutely nothing.

The worst times for me were both when my wife kicked me out. The first time about 15 years ago, I can't even remember what the problem was back then, I was in a psych unit and she said she didn't think I should come home. I went and lived at the University. I felt like I'd been broken into a thousand pieces because I couldn't be with my son. Then this last time was also very, very hard. I think it was because it was my entire life - my family were everything to me, not really just one aspect of my life.

It's a very difficult thing to deal with - starting a whole new way of life. But I've learnt you can even get through that. Bit by bit it gets a bit easier.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 02:16 PM
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 03:52 PM
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From about 2017 to mid 2019 I was struggling with crippling anxiety and insomnia. I've had SA for years but it started to morph into generalized anxiety disorder in 2017 and I would be constantly anxious all day every day. It was so bad I couldn't sleep - as I would get into bed and turn the light off, all of the fears I carry around with me would start exploding in my head and I would start having a massive anxiety attack and could literally feel the cortisol and adrenaline rushing through my body. I would lay in bed wide awake until 3 or 4 or 5 AM. Everyday was a mix of extreme fatigue and unrelenting anxiety. I was completely miserable. And every day it felt like the anxiety just got worse and worse and the insomnia more and more intractable.

I didn't think I would ever find a way out of that goddamned feedback loop. But for some reason in the summer of 2019 the GAD started to subside. I have no idea why, everything I tried before that (medication, meditation, natural remedies) failed. It just seemed to gradually unwind. It did flare up again during the first 2 months or so of Covid and I was afraid it would be another two plus years of hell but that seemed to subside naturally over the summer. I am much much calmer and more relaxed than I was back in 2017 or 2018. Those two years though, they were the toughest of my life. I honestly didn't think I would make it though, I thought it would ultimately kill me.

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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 04:03 PM
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From about 2017 to mid 2019 I was struggling with crippling anxiety and insomnia. I've had SA for years but it started to morph into generalized anxiety disorder in 2017 and I would be constantly anxious all day every day. It was so bad I couldn't sleep - as I would get into bed and turn the light off, all of the fears I carry around with me would start exploding in my head and I would start having a massive anxiety attack and could literally feel the cortisol and adrenaline rushing through my body. I would lay in bed wide awake until 3 or 4 or 5 AM. Everyday was a mix of extreme fatigue and unrelenting anxiety. I was completely miserable. And every day it felt like the anxiety just got worse and worse and the insomnia more and more intractable.

I didn't think I would ever find a way out of that goddamned feedback loop. But for some reason in the summer of 2019 the GAD started to subside. I have no idea why, everything I tried before that (medication, meditation, natural remedies) failed. It just seemed to gradually unwind. It did flare up again during the first 2 months or so of Covid and I was afraid it would be another two plus years of hell but that seemed to subside naturally over the summer. I am much much calmer and more relaxed than I was back in 2017 or 2018. Those two years though, they were the toughest of my life. I honestly didn't think I would make it though, I thought it would ultimately kill me.
Jesus Christ - that sounds horrible. I used to have that and sometimes still do. I've often thought mine's sometimes a more generalised anxiety. When I was younger I'd wake up with this sort of existential terror. Now that doesn't seem to be so bad - although I do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time at around 3 or 4 in the morning just lying there worrying about everything. It's fantastic.

Glad things have gotten a bit better for you anyway mate.
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 04:38 PM
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Quote:
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From about 2017 to mid 2019 I was struggling with crippling anxiety and insomnia. I've had SA for years but it started to morph into generalized anxiety disorder in 2017 and I would be constantly anxious all day every day. It was so bad I couldn't sleep - as I would get into bed and turn the light off, all of the fears I carry around with me would start exploding in my head and I would start having a massive anxiety attack and could literally feel the cortisol and adrenaline rushing through my body. I would lay in bed wide awake until 3 or 4 or 5 AM. Everyday was a mix of extreme fatigue and unrelenting anxiety. I was completely miserable. And every day it felt like the anxiety just got worse and worse and the insomnia more and more intractable.

I didn't think I would ever find a way out of that goddamned feedback loop. But for some reason in the summer of 2019 the GAD started to subside. I have no idea why, everything I tried before that (medication, meditation, natural remedies) failed. It just seemed to gradually unwind. It did flare up again during the first 2 months or so of Covid and I was afraid it would be another two plus years of hell but that seemed to subside naturally over the summer. I am much much calmer and more relaxed than I was back in 2017 or 2018. Those two years though, they were the toughest of my life. I honestly didn't think I would make it though, I thought it would ultimately kill me.
yeah i can relate to a degree man especially like the anxiousness getting so horrible it literally feels like youre going to pass out or like have a stroke/heart attack. I could feel my body and mind out of whack still as of today. The feelings of medical desperation like I need a oxygen tank and some Intravenous fluid just to feel better is a sickening feeling.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and than success is sure," Mark Twain

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 04:42 PM
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@harrison The GAD is so much worse than the SA because at least you can escape the SA. The GAD is always just there. Existential terror - that is a good way to describe the fear. I believe that is what I was experiencing when everything would come crashing down all at once every night. Thanks for the kind words, hope you're able to find some solace as well.

@CopadoMexicano Yea, I swear I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. And imagine trying to sleep when your heart is pounding like that. It does throw your body out of wack and even when you do overcome it the effects of going through all that are long lasting. Hope you're feeling better these days.

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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 04:52 PM
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@harrison The GAD is so much worse than the SA because at least you can escape the SA. The GAD is always just there. Existential terror - that is a good way to describe the fear. I believe that is what I was experiencing when everything would come crashing down all at once every night. Thanks for the kind words, hope you're able to find some solace as well.
Thanks a lot mate.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2020, 05:06 PM
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@CopadoMexicano Yea, I swear I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. And imagine trying to sleep when your heart is pounding like that. It does throw your body out of wack and even when you do overcome it the effects of going through all that are long lasting. Hope you're feeling better these days.
Likewise man you could use a break from all the mental emotional and physical torture. . From my experience it seems that gad or generalized anxiety serves a purpose to let you know of potential health problems down the road. Not saying that everyone with the condition will experience more health problems or that youre guaranteed to get very sick just from being observant in family history. ugh

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