First date screw up? - Social Anxiety Forum
Reply
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 07:42 PM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Maryland
Language: English
Gender: Male
Posts: 913

First date screw up?


Went on a first date today with a woman I meant online. On Tinder.

We meant at a local bar/ reastruant. We sat down at a table. Engaged in a few questions of small talk. I think I screwed up when I asked "Where are you from originally? She responds "Im American. Im from California." I say "No I mean your nationality. "You look Asian?" She dosent say a world gets up and pays the waitress for her coffee who had just brought it over walks and out the door.

Fair to say I pissed her off. I was not trying to be rude or anything. I was a little nervous and just trying to make conversation. I asked about her ethnicity I was not sure about where she was from. She appeared Asian but I wasant sure. Anyway I asked the question because I was going to follow it up with a question about me possibly traveling to an Asian country. So guess I wanted some travel advice about which Asian country to visit.

So is it considered to be very rude to ask about someone's nationality? I thought the response of just getting up and walking out was a big overreaction. I would not have been offended if she asked me my nationality. But then again im white and of English / Irish descent so perhaps that makes a difference. I don't know?

Anyway texted her after she left told her I meant no offense and apologized. She never responded back and blocked me. So that is that.

So was I completely out of line or did she completely over react? My guess would be its a bit of both. What do you think so I can avoid putting my foot in my mouth in the future
chrisinmd is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 07:57 PM
I Am Second
 
Kevin001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: USA ~ Louisiana
Language: American
Gender: Male
Age: 29
Posts: 56,678
My Mood: Inspired
Hmm idk doesn't seem too off putting but everyone is different and their tolerance varies.

~ How can I build Your kingdom if I'm building my own
How can You be my treasure if I'm digging for gold
How can You be my fire if my heart has grown cold
How can You be my future if I've made this my home ~ Love & the Outcome
Kevin001 is offline  
post #3 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 08:00 PM
acceptable loss
 
SamanthaStrange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 18,618
My Mood: Worried
You could have asked more tactfully, but she totally overreacted.

Now I'm Nothing
SamanthaStrange is offline  
 
post #4 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 08:53 PM
SAS Member
 
millenniumman75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Dayton, OH
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Posts: 153,450
My Mood: Angelic
Your question was probably asked too early in the process of relationship. You could have said "you look nice." - introductory stuff. She overreacted, too. WAY overreacted, like a Tinder 817c#.


This has to be my worst nightmare scenario when it comes to dating - and keeps me from dating. This would be how it would go for me. In my case, it's a date and the lady and I are eating dinner. I say something cheesy or "not manly enough", and she says she needs to powder her nose. I say okay. She goes to the bathroom and never returns. *she called a friend on a cell phone, and escaped through a window. I'd never know it and I could be sitting at the table by myself for an hour and never know I was "date dumped".

Never mind my negative thoughts; it just wouldn't occur to me that she would be the one who was wrong! I'd be in a downward spiral of self-pity and I didn't do anything wrong - awkward - but not wrong!


That's probably why that witch is on Tinder; she's a bigger mess than any of us SA men!

millenniumman75
You are a success story waiting to happen!
Live and let live VACUUMS more than a Hoover....
Live and HELP live is better!

TROLL ALERT STATUS:
CHAT -> BERT

FORUMS -> ERNIE
(troll activity on the increase)

WATCH WHAT YOU TYPE!
millenniumman75 is online now  
post #5 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 10:26 PM
❤️⭐ Terminator ⭐❤️
 
iAmCodeMonkey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: None of your business.
Language: English
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,178
Blocking you without explanation is rude on her part. I wouldn't have asked that question so soon personally, but don't worry too much about it.

❤️⭐⭐❤️
iAmCodeMonkey is offline  
post #6 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 10:43 PM
Not A Low Calorie Food
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Posts: 29,528
My Mood: Relaxed
Such topics are sensitive and generally best avoided unless the other person brings it up first. You have to realize that even thought you might not have meant any offense, they have no doubt had many unpleasant encounters with people that all started the same way. People carry baggage. They just do. Everyone does. And sometimes it's just not a subject they want to be discussing.

/WYSD
WillYouStopDave is online now  
post #7 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 12:02 AM
Greasy prospector
 
blue2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The salty spitoon
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,042
My Mood: Lurking
Seems an overreaction, but race can be a sensitive subject with some people I guess, maybe her or some of her family were persecuted for it in the past who knows.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
blue2 is online now  
post #8 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 05:00 AM
bipolar
 
harrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14,643
I'd say you shouldn't have worded it the way you did. I would have said what's your background or something like that, not what's your nationality - to me that sounds a bit odd. Almost like you're accusing her or something. And I wouldn't say it so early on - there must be millions of Asian/Americans - there certainly are a lot of Asian people here.

It may have been the way you asked it also - we can't tell on this ridiculous thing how people talk, it's all just bloody text. There's no context.

Either way you certainly pissed her off. Maybe she was a bit touchy but it's impossible to say.
harrison is online now  
post #9 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 06:07 AM
🧱
 
Paul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: California Republic
Language: None
Age: 39
Posts: 6,314
If you'd asked about her ancestry, I expect she'd have been fine with that. Or if you'd asked about nationality once and accepted her answer, you might've gotten away with it. Doubling down on asking specifically about "nationality" after she'd clarified that her nationality is American is offensive, because you're insisting that she has to have come from another country and can't be ethnically American.

Lots of ancestrally-Asian Californian families have been in California for 150+ years, and don't feel any ethnic identity toward where their great-great-great-great-grandparents lived (which may also have been spread across several countries or continents)... and obviously can't provide any travel advice about the ancestral homelands either. Unfortunately, being a visible minority means a lot of people assume they're from somewhere else.

Perhaps your problem is you don't understand the word you used. You don't have Irish nationality just because you had ancestors in Ireland hundreds of years ago.

SA Game | Sacramento SA Meetup

"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'" ― Kurt Vonnegut
Paul is offline  
post #10 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 06:57 AM
SAS Member
 
Theys1978's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Metairie
Language: English
Gender: Female
Posts: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
Such topics are sensitive and generally best avoided unless the other person brings it up first. You have to realize that even thought you might not have meant any offense, they have no doubt had many unpleasant encounters with people that all started the same way. People carry baggage. They just do. Everyone does. And sometimes it's just not a subject they want to be discussing.
I agree with you, it is better to talk on any neutral topics on a first date with a girl.
Theys1978 is offline  
post #11 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 07:40 AM
Zodiac Sign: LEO!!!
 
KILOBRAVO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: The United of the Kindoms!
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,887
My Mood: Angelic
It sounds like a complete overreaction on her part. But things like nationality CAN be dodgy things to ask about because you don't know what the other person is thinking.

Be very careful with accents too. Of you could confuse a Canadian with an American just on their accent, the Canadian or American if you've got it wrong get VERY pissed off.

Same with Australians and new New Zealanders.

So things like this are best left out of it untill you know them more or they say first.

Maybe you could've asked , "oh, that's interesting. Are you're parents from here too?" Then if her parents were ,say ,Japanese but she was born here then she could say ,. " Oh, my parents emigrated from Japan". And there's your answer.

She maybe got pissed because she identifies as American being born there after her parents were Japanese born in Japan and moved to the US, but because she looked Asian and you brought that up, then maybe that question was seen as some clash between her biological/indigenous descent versus where she was born. Maybe it was a sensitive thing for her. But i still think her just walking oout so rudely was a bit overreaction.

Waiting for a beam to break through here,
A chain-way vision bright and clear,
This must be it,
Longed for Bliss,
First it was so quiet and now I know I am not alone in here.

___________
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down. I gotta keep on moovin!

If you can read this, you must look at my profile page. I like people who have attention to detail, and curiosity. Have a look, the lion's torso is on diplay :-p
KILOBRAVO is offline  
post #12 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Maryland
Language: English
Gender: Male
Posts: 913
Quote:
Originally Posted by harrison View Post
I'd say you shouldn't have worded it the way you did. I would have said what's your background or something like that, not what's your nationality - to me that sounds a bit odd.
Yea I agree I worded it wrong and probably to soon after meeting. Not sure about my exact words I may have said nationality or maybe it was ethnicity. Does ethnicity sound better? I guess saying "nationality" makes me sound like a Nazi SS guard checking a person "papers" to make sure there not Jewish
chrisinmd is online now  
post #13 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 08:55 AM
SAS Member
 
funnynihilist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: North East USA
Language: English
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,823
People these days are looking for any reason to be offended.
Being offended is like the new orgasm.
funnynihilist is offline  
post #14 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 08:57 AM
Not A Low Calorie Food
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Posts: 29,528
My Mood: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by funnynihilist View Post
People these days are looking for any reason to be offended.
Being offended is like the new orgasm.
I'm kinda offended by that.

/WYSD
WillYouStopDave is online now  
post #15 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 08:58 AM
SAS Member
 
funnynihilist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: North East USA
Language: English
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,823
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
I'm kinda offended by that.
Did it feel good?
funnynihilist is offline  
post #16 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 09:15 AM
Not A Low Calorie Food
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Posts: 29,528
My Mood: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by funnynihilist View Post
Did it feel good?
I'll let you know when my eyes uncross.

/WYSD
WillYouStopDave is online now  
post #17 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 09:26 AM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Maryland
Language: English
Gender: Male
Posts: 913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul View Post
Doubling down on asking specifically about "nationality" after she'd clarified that her nationality is American is offensive, because you're insisting that she has to have come from another country and can't be ethnically American.
Yea I guess that's the way it came across. Not the way I feel. If someone has a ancestory from another country I don't think that makes them any less American at all.

Thinking about it now we all have ancestory from another country unless we are Native American. Since they are the only "Original Americans".

Well I know to approach this subject at a better time and word it better next time. My bad
chrisinmd is online now  
post #18 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 09:53 AM
SAS Member
 
millenniumman75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Dayton, OH
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Posts: 153,450
My Mood: Angelic
Quote:
Originally Posted by funnynihilist View Post
People these days are looking for any reason to be offended.
Being offended is like the new orgasm.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
I'm kinda offended by that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by funnynihilist View Post
Did it feel good?
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
I'll let you know when my eyes uncross.
OMG - I am so offended by this exchange. I can't go on. Devastated.


*puts everybody on Fakebook, Quitter, and Cinder block"


Ah, shoot, I forgot Instasham, and all the rest of them APPs.

millenniumman75
You are a success story waiting to happen!
Live and let live VACUUMS more than a Hoover....
Live and HELP live is better!

TROLL ALERT STATUS:
CHAT -> BERT

FORUMS -> ERNIE
(troll activity on the increase)

WATCH WHAT YOU TYPE!
millenniumman75 is online now  
post #19 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 10:03 AM
alien monk
 
andy1984's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Age: 35
Posts: 7,295
no screw up. date success. natural result. incompatibility exposed.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
andy1984 is online now  
post #20 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 11:52 AM
SAS Member
 
veron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,825
She overreacted. Even if she got asked that question millions of times and had gotten sick of hearing it, she should have recognized that you meant no harm. Sounds high strung. Good riddance, lol.
veron is offline  
Reply

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome