Feeling Suicidal After Every Social Rejection
By social rejection, I mean any time you feel ostracized because of however it is that you are and whatever trait you have that makes you feel like you're not like everybody else and can't function in society the way everyone else can.
I try my best to remain positive and keep my chin up...……..but whenever I face any negative social encounter, I get this feeling like I'm fighting a pointless war and I would be better off...….I don't even want to type it (I'm a little superstitious).
So far I haven't actually made any attempts to hurt myself, but I keep getting sudden onsets of this hopeless dark feeling like there's no point in me living. And this pretty much happens after every social rejection.
The main culprit of this is my stutter. I have a severe stutter and it makes talking almost impossible. I had the stutter since I was 5 but it was never that bad. I was still able to talk to people and make friends relatively easy. It keeps varying.....in fact it even went away for a few years. Stutters are not that rare, there are people who have it and still function. But It's become bad now after years of self loathing, heightened anxiety, SA, fear, horrible self esteem, living in isolation (and not getting accustomed to that), etc.
I really envy everybody else here who doesn't have a speech impediment but still might suffer from all those other problems I talked about. At least you can still function and talk to people no matter how you feel inside. In my case, the worse I feel inside, the harder it becomes for me to talk. And I'm basically trapped in a loop.
I feel like if I got rid of this one problem, I'd be able to tackle all my other problems.........but I don't know how.
Funny this feeling of being suicidal only gets triggered when whenever I enter the social playing field. When I'm in isolation, I don't get this feeling as much. I feel happier and can enjoy the finer things in life like sunsets and birds chirping.......…..it's almost as if interacting with other people reminds me of how much of a joke I am. The other day I tried ask this guy at a store a question about one product and he looked at me with an expression that said '' Dude you actually talk like this? I can't believe people like you actually exist..... ''