Feeling of guilt indecisiveness , hopelessness and self sabotaging
I'm 21 and already feel that i've ****ed up and everything is beyond saving.
i finished school with great grades,was somewhat popular and was decent looking,some girls even tried to flirt with me.And i destroyed every single chance i had to do anything fun and meaningful in school.Why ? i don't know.
After graduating i had to choose what to study,I didn't had any time to prepare and decide ,because at the time i was a depressed kid,who knew jack **** ,so i went for the first option ,which was industrial design in an okay uni. I was having ok grades ,but hated it and dropped after 1 semester. Why? i don't know.
After dropping out i was jobless for half a year. I had many chances to start working and to make improvements in my life,because i had a lot of time .i missed them all. Wasted my time jacking off and sleeping.
After that i started working a ****ty retail job in a sports shop.Insane long hours .Missed to do anything fun the whole spring and summer seasons.Just worked to barely survive.(i live in a ****ty eastern european country ,so i was living paycheck to paycheck,not even a dollar saved).
Then i decided to go to art school,because i wanted to become a professional concept artist/illustrator/animator or some bull**** like that.This was my obsession since early high school when i stopped paying attention in class and started drawing in my notebooks. Great plan, i know.Being a pro artist is probably one of the most unfulfilling and dead end jobs out there.
Now i work almost full time in the so mentioned shop and go to art school and i am deadly exhausted every day. I also live in an extremely crappy old apartment which is as cold inside as it's outside during winter seasons.I can't afford to move out ,because i have to ask my parents for $100 to help me with the rent.I'm deadly ashamed to do this and would rather die than to be a burden to somebody else anymore.
I've been only 2 months in the so mentioned art school and even though the quality of education is great. i found that i just don't care that much about art and i wanna drop again and move abroad because the situation in my country is dire.And the subject i wanna study abroad is something completely different from art- mechanical engineering. And my reasoning in completely stupid and naive.
Since i was a kid i had a obsession with space that never really got away.It kept me alive during my worst days.I just want to work in the field of space exploration and research.And math was my weakest subject in school.The only subject that no matter how hard i tried it was never enough
I'm still grateful that i don't live in north korea , but every single morning i'm angry that i've awaken without a purpose again.
Thanks for reading.