Fear of Reality/Responsibility = Self hate (LONG) - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-19-2010, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Fear of Reality/Responsibility = Self hate (LONG)


(WARNING: mention of the "S" word.)

Like the title says; I'm afraid of reality/responsibility, and I'm growing to hate myself for it. Some of you might say "That's okay, everyone gets these feelings now and then", well here, let me explain:

My life has been made easy for me since day one, nothing was ever really expected of me. I really started taking advantage of this when I switched from public school to homeschool when I was 9-10 years old. After maybe a year I just stopped doing my school work, I can't remember what my reasons were, but I stopped, and I didn't really get in trouble for it. Not doing school wasn't the only thing I could get away with, though - I could also get away with staying home all the time and not socializing with anyone but my parents and little sister, not bathing or brushing my teeth for months, not cleaning my room, I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I've never had a 'bed time', and even now my parents still make all my meals. I've spent my whole life playing video games and watching cartoons.

I'm almost 18 now (birthday is in august) and only just now realized how bad this really is. Deep down I always knew I should be doing things like school, bathing, etc, but I never did.

Last year I lost my best friend because of this 'lazy' trait of mine. We only knew each other online, but we were close friends, really close. We spent hours daily on our computers just chatting or Role Playing stories we made up, but one day I got 'writers block', plus I had recently discovered MMO's, so I didn't get on every day like I used to. My friend must have gotten tired of it and set out to fix her own life (she also wasn't doing school when we met. and like me, she hardly ever left home), she started doing school again, went out more often, found hobbies that didn't involve the computer, and made new, real life friends. And even though we had been best friends for 2 plus years, she developed anger towards me the more progress she made in her own life, disgusted because I haven't tried to do the same. Eventually the arguments got so bad that we just stopped talking to each other.

This really hurt me, because of course, we were best friends, and now all of the sudden she hates me? She called me a coward and told me I'm selfish, she said I only make excuses and always run away from things. I'd just argue by saying things like "I can't do (insert task here), it scares me!", to which she'd again tell me "You're just making excuses".

But I was telling the truth. Yes, it started as taking advantage of what I could get away with, but after having no responsibilities my whole life, when I finally am expected to do something, it terrifies me because I have no experience and I'm afraid I can't do it.

Simple things like trying to use the oven, or even bathing/brushing my teeth are enough to make me so nervous that my body starts to tremble a little and I start to get sick to my stomach.. But these things are nothing compared to the bigger stuff like socializing and school/work related things - I've been shy/uncomfortable around people ever since I was a kid. I only had a handful of friends back when I was still in school. I remember going to the nurses office alot complaining about having a sick stomach, but every time the nurse checked me for a fever, it came back normal. Thinking back on that though, it might have been nervous-ness that was making my stomach feel sick. This 'shy-ness' has worsened as I get older. (A good portion of that is probably from lack of socializing. I never really talk to anyone but my parents and little sister)

I've also always hated being wrong. I remember back when my teacher (I think this was in first or second grade) was trying to help me learn how to give change, but I couldn't seem to understand what she was asking/trying to teach me, and I got so frustrated that I started crying right in the middle of the classroom. That part of me still hasn't changed.
My Mom sometimes gives my sister and I school sheets to do (when her Mother 'suggests' it), and since I had never gone back to school I still have the education of a 3rd-4th grader, so of course the work I'm given very often confuses me because there are things that I haven't been taught yet/never practiced enough/forgot because I hadn't done school in so long. The first time my Mom gave me a work sheet I started crying/hyperventilating because I was so nervous. I felt even worse when my Mom said "Crying isn't going to get you out of this", because I wasn't crying to get out of it. I knew I had to do it, otherwise I'd be in trouble with her, Dad, and her parents aswell. Fear was what was causing those tears. I couldn't manage to say anything but "I'm not trying to get out of it! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm scared!!" through my shaken breath and tears..
I've been given a few other work sheets since then and didn't break down like that again except for one other time. That time I was crying because I was afraid I would never catch up. I kept having trouble understanding the questions on the work sheets, and even after doing the same sort of work on other work sheets before, I couldn't seem to memorize the process and finding the answer never got any easier.

I feel like a failure.. I KNOW now how important it is for me to try and catch up in school so I can get a job in the future so I can survive when the day comes my parents can't help me anymore, but this fear, and how slowly things are coming along are so discouraging.. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm not sure I can learn enough in time, or that I'll ever be able to do anything without trembling in fear.. I hate myself.
I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for taking advantage of the fact that I didn't get in trouble for not doing things. I hate myself for not being able to do things even now. I hate everything about me. I truly believe that there is, and has never been a single good thing about me, ever. All I am is just what my ex-best friend accused me of being; a selfish coward.. I can't be happy doing the things I once found 'fun' anymore because I hate myself so much. I don't feel like I deserve to have fun or feel happiness..

Self hate plus fear has caused me to develop suicidal thoughts, and I'm terrified that one day I just might do it.. The only thing that's keeping me from doing so is also one of the things causing these thoughts; self hate. I don't feel a horrible person such as myself deserves a 'way out'. I deserve to suffer..

----------------------------------------------

I'll stop here. I'm sorry if this turned out long, or if this rant made anyone angry or feel hate for what kind of person I am.. But I really needed to vent. I don't know what else there is I can do.. My Dad says hes gonna try and get me to a Doctor so I can get help in overcoming my fears, but for now all I can do is continue to post here. I don't feel like I deserve to see a Doctor either, though.. Everyone else on this planet has to socialize/go to school/get a job and just because they aren't scared doesn't mean they like it, but they don't get any special treatment. Not only do I feel guilty for needing help to do the things everyone else has to do, but I feel like people are going to hate me if I get help. Because like I said, they don't get any special treatment, so why should I?
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 01:16 PM
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Hey … are you alright?

How did things go since?
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-16-2013, 09:57 AM
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I realise that this thread is old, but I made an account here specifically to post here:

I'm in tears right now; what you've said sounds like you're describing my life, nearly word-for-word. I was beginning to lose hope that I'd find someone else like this.. Guess it's sort of bittersweet though, since there aren't really any replies and the thread seems long-since abandoned.

My parents took me out of school at the same age, didn't have the patience to teach me.. I still live with them. I don't have friends offline, I don't go anywhere, and I can't even talk to people without having panic attacks. I don't even have the willpower to take care of myself physically or mentally, and my parents are too distracted by their own issues to offer any real support. All I can ever seem to do is beat myself up over all the things I don't do, and the fact that I've never finished anything in my life. I feel like a subhuman thing and it's only getting worse as I search around for people that feel the same way.. People that feel terrible, yet I envy them for having opportunities to learn how to live in the real world that I never had. Even worse is that I feel like there's no hope for me, that it's too late to get that experience. Like my entire life has been an effort in total futility, and that nothing I do will ever succeed.

I don't know if you check your alerts Piano, but for what it's worth, I am very familiar with how it feels. Not only is it feeling alone, but it is being alone in a way that most people never have to experience. It takes its toll on the mind.

I hope things are at least a little better for you, now.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-04-2014, 03:27 PM
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So I wanted to offer a response to this, because this was exactly where I was once. And every once in a while the feelings do creep back in, but I want to let you know.

I spend five years of my life dropped out of school and afraid to leave the house. Some days were worse than others. I remember being so scared to use the stove (for reasons I don't even remember) to the point where I just wouldn't eat if someone didn't cook for me. And when my mom stopped cooking for me to try to make me grow up a little bit, I started losing weight. And the fear creates almost a choking in your throat. Damn it sucks.

So lets take another look at this. You're aware of what it is you're lacking, what you would like to do, and just how scary it is. But you know what? You've also never learned what it feels like to succeed, have you? The fear that you're having, is something everyone experiences. You've just never felt it before so it's TERRIFYING. You're almost like a baby taking it's first breath. Or you're putting your head under water for the first time. It's strange, it's unfamiliar. It's utterly, ****ing terrifying. But you know what's really cool? When you push through that test and get to the end. When you pick up that paper and realize that despite how scary it was, you did it. (It doesn't even matter what grade you got on it!) That is what you have yet to learn.

Now, I'm not at all saying that everyone in the world lives in a constant state of fear. That isn't it at all, but it has a little bit of truth to it. There is this risk of failure in everything that you do, and a small part of that fear is probably of hating yourself just a bit more if you don't manage to succeed at all those little things that are giant mountain in your eyes. But just... Don't.
Don't hate yourself for not succeeding. That solves nothing. You should never make yourself feel bad about things. The only time you ever should is if you purposefully set out to hurt another. And being too afraid to do things is most definitely not hurting anyone but yourself.

You know what? When you start bathing everyday, it just feels really GOOD. You don't really get it at first, but when you bathe and brush your teeth and you go out and see people... It just feels good, because you've been good to you. Eventually you realize what it is that you're doing, even if you didn't when you started.

So what I want you to do, is experience that fear. Feel it, hold it, don't run away. Think of it as a big sack of potatoes you've picked up and popped on your shoulder for a minute, and I want you to hold those potatoes, and finish doing what it is that you KNOW you want to do. Because fear itself cannot hurt you.

And I want you to experience how it feels to be UTTERLY TERRIFIED... but deciding to get to the other side.
Because that feels good.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-24-2015, 01:25 AM
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Hi, I'm new here I would like to chat with you guys. I have the same problem ?
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-24-2015, 03:21 AM
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Hey, could we talk? I have the exact same problem.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 03:38 AM
It's not what I meant.
 
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After all the "trying to fit in and acting normal" you just become a person you dont recognise anymore and you get habits you used to dislike in other people and just trying to figure out what is the point of your existence if you cant even allowed to be yourself when you just get out to do a job to finance your basic needs. I have no idea why I'm still alive.
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