: mention of the "S" word.)
Like the title says; I'm afraid of reality/responsibility, and I'm growing to hate myself for it. Some of you might say "That's okay, everyone gets these feelings now and then", well here, let me explain:
My life has been made easy for me since day one, nothing was ever really expected of me. I really started taking advantage of this when I switched from public school to homeschool when I was 9-10 years old. After maybe a year I just stopped doing my school work, I can't remember what my reasons were, but I stopped, and I didn't really get in trouble for it. Not doing school wasn't the only thing I could get away with, though - I could also get away with staying home all the time and not socializing with anyone but my parents and little sister, not bathing or brushing my teeth for months, not cleaning my room, I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I've never had a 'bed time', and even now my parents still make all my meals. I've spent my whole life playing video games and watching cartoons.
I'm almost 18 now (birthday is in august) and only just now realized how bad this really is. Deep down I always knew I should be doing things like school, bathing, etc, but I never did.
Last year I lost my best friend because of this 'lazy' trait of mine. We only knew each other online, but we were close friends, really close. We spent hours daily on our computers just chatting or Role Playing stories we made up, but one day I got 'writers block', plus I had recently discovered MMO's, so I didn't get on every day like I used to. My friend must have gotten tired of it and set out to fix her own life (she also wasn't doing school when we met. and like me, she hardly ever left home), she started doing school again, went out more often, found hobbies that didn't involve the computer, and made new, real life friends. And even though we had been best friends for 2 plus years, she developed anger towards me the more progress she made in her own life, disgusted because I haven't tried to do the same. Eventually the arguments got so bad that we just stopped talking to each other.
This really hurt me, because of course, we were best friends, and now all of the sudden she hates me? She called me a coward and told me I'm selfish, she said I only make excuses and always run away from things. I'd just argue by saying things like "I can't do (insert task here), it scares me!", to which she'd again tell me "You're just making excuses".
But I was telling the truth. Yes, it started
as taking advantage of what I could get away with, but after having no responsibilities my whole life, when I finally am
expected to do something, it terrifies me because I have no experience and I'm afraid I can't do it.
Simple things like trying to use the oven, or even bathing/brushing my teeth are enough to make me so nervous that my body starts to tremble a little and I start to get sick to my stomach.. But these things are nothing compared to the bigger stuff like socializing and school/work related things - I've been shy/uncomfortable around people ever since I was a kid. I only had a handful of friends back when I was still in school. I remember going to the nurses office alot complaining about having a sick stomach, but every time the nurse checked me for a fever, it came back normal. Thinking back on that though, it might have been nervous-ness that was making my stomach feel sick. This 'shy-ness' has worsened as I get older. (A good portion of that is probably from lack of socializing. I never really talk to anyone but my parents and little sister)
I've also always hated being wrong. I remember back when my teacher (I think this was in first or second grade) was trying to help me learn how to give change, but I couldn't seem to understand what she was asking/trying to teach me, and I got so frustrated that I started crying right in the middle of the classroom. That part of me still hasn't changed.
My Mom sometimes gives my sister and I school sheets to do (when her Mother 'suggests' it), and since I had never gone back to school I still have the education of a 3rd-4th grader, so of course the work I'm given very often confuses me because there are things that I haven't been taught yet/never practiced enough/forgot because I hadn't done school in so long. The first time my Mom gave me a work sheet I started crying/hyperventilating because I was so nervous. I felt even worse when my Mom said "Crying isn't going to get you out of this", because I wasn't crying to get out of it. I knew I had to do it, otherwise I'd be in trouble with her, Dad, and her parents aswell. Fear was what was causing those tears. I couldn't manage to say anything but "I'm not trying to get out of it! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm scared!!" through my shaken breath and tears..
I've been given a few other work sheets since then and didn't break down like that again except for one other time. That time I was crying because I was afraid I would never catch up. I kept having trouble understanding the questions on the work sheets, and even after doing the same sort of work on other work sheets before, I couldn't seem to memorize the process and finding the answer never got any easier.
I feel like a failure.. I KNOW
now how important it is for me to try and catch up in school so I can get a job in the future so I can survive when the day comes my parents can't help me anymore, but this fear, and how slowly things are coming along are so discouraging.. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm not sure I can learn enough in time, or that I'll ever be able to do anything without trembling in fear.. I hate myself.
I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for taking advantage of the fact that I didn't get in trouble for not doing things. I hate myself for not being able to do things even now. I hate everything about me. I truly believe that there is, and has never been a single good thing about me, ever. All I am is just what my ex-best friend accused me of being; a selfish coward.. I can't be happy doing the things I once found 'fun' anymore because I hate myself so much. I don't feel like I deserve to have fun or feel happiness..
Self hate plus fear has caused me to develop suicidal thoughts, and I'm terrified that one day I just might do it.. The only thing that's keeping me from doing so is also one of the things causing these thoughts; self hate. I don't feel a horrible person such as myself deserves a 'way out'. I deserve to suffer..
I'll stop here. I'm sorry if this turned out long, or if this rant made anyone angry or feel hate for what kind of person I am.. But I really needed to vent. I don't know what else there is I can do.. My Dad says hes gonna try and get me to a Doctor so I can get help in overcoming my fears, but for now all I can do is continue to post here. I don't feel like I deserve to see a Doctor either, though.. Everyone else on this planet has to socialize/go to school/get a job and just because they aren't scared doesn't mean they like it, but they don't get any special treatment. Not only do I feel guilty for needing help to do the things everyone else has to do, but I feel like people are going to hate me if I get help. Because like I said, they don't get any special treatment, so why should I?