Extremely worried and depressed about potential HIV infection - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Extremely worried and depressed about potential HIV infection


I’m making myself really vulnerable to judgement again, but since this forum is the only place I’m trying to be 100% open about everything, so be it. Before writing judgemental comments, keep in mind I’m serious about it and when I’ll find results for an HIV test, I will inform you about them in this thread.

I had a therapy yesterday and due to certain topics being openly discussed with the therapist or anyone for that matter for the first time I remembered something today... I don’t know who’s reading this thread. It could be anyone, so I don’t know how safe it’s to describe all the details.... Let’s say, today I clearly remembered an incident that happened from 10 to 7 years ago in which a person from one of the groups with high risk for HIV tried to potentially infect me with it... I was a teenager, dissociated from my body, abandoned by my parents (one physically as well as in all the other ways and another one was neglecting me in all other ways but physical ones, gaslighted me about any of my concerns that were treated as not serious and imagined by me), living in a country where these topics were a huge taboo which is only slightly changing in recent years, which was never discussed in my family, not knowing how exactly you can be infected... I was also being bullied and ostracised by my classmates at that time and was extremely depressed... I didn’t know anything about childhood trauma, psychological pathologies, wasn’t enlightened in any topic I am enlightened in today... So I was just living this neglected and had a worldview and perception based on my experience, upbringing and culture. I never had an HIV test done, thinking it wouldn’t be possible to have for me, never had doctors or anyone referencing me for it either. I have a certain low level of one blood component that is sometimes the same in HIV-infected people due to the virus, but I only found it out now by googling. The doctors would never mention this virus and I thought the reason was unknown or innate. I don’t know why I’m having this autoimmune thyroid disorder that I found out I had it in the age of 16 either. According to everything I was previously reading, the reasons were either unknown or innate, but now I’ve read about HIV patients having problems with thyroid too when googled them together.

I have a partner too so it makes me even more worried. No need to patronise me and talk about something that has already happened, I know everything... I told him about it as soon as I remembered. And I will get the test done as soon as it will be possible.

My friend’s older sister died from HIV in recent past. It was because she was feeling ashamed, this topic is taboo, victims of HIV are stigmatised in my country, because she was depressed and hopeless, not being able to care for her self because of her own childhood traumas as well... Plus in a clinic where she was for HIV patients in the capital of my country they weren’t even trying to save her when it was severe, but still could... Her husband who infected her who probably got to know about the virus he had many years after, her family (that only got to know about that problem from him because she didn’t want to bother them or was afraid of their judgement) were in a shock state and extremely depressed state (in case with her husband and mother especially) and they weren’t fighting for her, fighting with the administration of the clinic to move her into another one where she could be treated (she was in a coma at that point of time). They had this feeling of helplessness, as if God will decide if she’ll be living or not, and in a later stage they just thought it was over and she’ll die anyway before it was actually over and before she died. Yes, religious biases that exist even in not so religious people, that are there because of their own personal distortions they have because of their own personalities that formed based on upbringing they had and traumas, so the bias only rationalised them and helped those distortions... I actually wouldn’t label religion though because when he went to a priest it was the priest who told him that that clinic was bad for HIV patients even though it’s officially “for” them and he told him to fight to move her to another clinic before it was actually too late.

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 09:25 AM
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It's good that you're getting tested, HIV is very manageable now (at least where I live,) if it doesn't progress to AIDS. Hopefully you won't have HIV or can get access to medication.

Since it was a long time ago I guess there's no way to know without just waiting for results. I know that most people experience flu like symptoms around the time of their infection (because your body attempts to fight the virus as with colds etc,) but I guess you might not remember.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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It's good that you're getting tested, HIV is very manageable now (at least where I live,) if it doesn't progress to AIDS. Hopefully you won't have HIV or can get access to medication.

Since it was a long time ago I guess there's no way to know without just waiting for results. I know that most people experience flu like symptoms around the time of their infection (because your body attempts to fight the virus as with colds etc,) but I guess you might not remember.
Thank you a lot for the support!
I’m hoping for the best right now... I was reading about it today and found out about these symptoms at the first stage too and yeah, I don’t remember what happened back then. Don’t even remember my age exactly because it felt surreal at the time... I just can’t describe in details because don’t know who will read the thread and what they would think... It’s an extremely sensitive topic...

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 10:42 AM
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I hope it comes back negative. It's hard not to worry but try to save the worry for later and just focus on being good to yourself and staying in a good frame of mind. Believing that everything is going to be OK is powerful.

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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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I hope it comes back negative. It's hard not to worry but try to save the worry for later and just focus on being good to yourself and staying in a good frame of mind. Believing that everything is going to be OK is powerful.
Thanks a lot!

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 11:08 AM
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Thanks a lot!
Not a problem. I know how it feels to get a health scare.

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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Not a problem. I know how it feels to get a health scare.
I used to think I had a brain tumour because of my brain zaps previously, before I had all the necessary tests done... It was something I was afraid of the most and was obsessed thinking about it. This is also why I didnít take that incident seriously... But itís really dangerous to think this way too before doing the actual tests and actually avoiding doing them as a result like in my case...

( I didnít have any social life and didnít even think I would ever have a partner so I eventually forgot about it entirely, that moment was erased even in its semi-surrealness... I also had this harmful depressed thinking that if Iíd be infected (because I thought it was extremely unlikely) then it would be destiny and was ok with not doing anything about it because of depression and I was ok with passively dying... That all plus taboo, mystical thinking because of the lack of education and shame and social anxiety and fear of all sorts of judgements and not feeling fully in my body which is a dissociation many people with developmental earlier childhood traumas have. Because of lots of things...)

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 12:19 PM
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Hope it turns out negative.

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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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^^ Thank you! Me too...

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 12:23 AM
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HIV is usually contracted from fluid transfer.

Thyroid problem is common amongst women.

Thyroid issues can be sorted by drugs or removal and drugs.
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 01:39 AM Thread Starter
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^^ I know about thyroid. It's what I'm treating since 16. There was a few years gap when I stopped going to the doctor, doing regular test and getting regular prescribtions which resulted in thyrotoxicosis which was most prominent after a stressful event. But since a year and a half I keep visiting the thyroid doctor regularly, doing tests and talking pills according to the prescribtion.

What also bothers me is that I have some kind of stomach sensitivity and intolerance which started first at 19 and since two years ago it's back again. And I've read that people with HIV also have it. But then previously I was reading that it could be linked to thyroid as well which I was thinking was the reason.

I'm also not sure, but seems like some doctors commented about some of my lymphas being bigger than they're supposed to be. I didn't know about them being linked to having infections in the body, only knew they could be there because of cold or cancer. The doctors never suggested HIV and that I should check myself which now I think is an extremely important, necessary thing to do. I'm even not sure if they were saying that about my lymphas because if they did then I didn't pay attention and forgot about it because I don't know about the importance of it and doctors just commented on that and forgot that... It's not like I'm a person who knows a lot about health and what things to beware of because of the reasons in my 1st post... I'm not good at taking care of myself. Doctors expect that you do that and think you know about things, that you notice subtle changes in your body and check the symptoms and things regularly, but when you have same psychological problems as me and feel dissociated from your body in some way, you just don't. Most of the time I just don't take care of my health and pay attention to it unless I have an anxiety and it escalates to symptoms that bother me... I don't feel subtlier symptoms or forget about them and stop paying attention at them.

I thought the reason for all things above was this autoimmune thyroditis I have. The stomach problems don't seem to be linked to any particular product or gluten (even though I still think it's most likely I have a gluten intolerance as well which I will be checked for soon too). Sometimes they're like a headache to me because both appear when I'm feeling extremely emotionally unwell. But other times they just respond to food while other people will feel ok from the same food.

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 02:43 AM
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 03:15 AM
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I am really sorry to hear that I really hope that everything turns out all right and the tests come out negative. You're doing the best you can and making all the right steps. hang in there.

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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 01:17 PM Thread Starter
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I am really sorry to hear that I really hope that everything turns out all right and the tests come out negative. You're doing the best you can and making all the right steps. hang in there.
Thank you a lot for the kind words and wishes!

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 01:42 AM
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If its been 7-10 years Im sure some type of symptoms would show up from a rash, flu like symptoms and mucj more. Im sure you'd experience something by now ( not always but yeah)

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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 02:42 AM Thread Starter
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If its been 7-10 years Im sure some type of symptoms would show up from a rash, flu like symptoms and mucj more. Im sure you'd experience something by now ( not always but yeah)
You can google and see that these are only 1st stage symptoms that occur shortly after getting infected and even that can not happen. After some short time, can be just a few days, these symptoms dissapear entirely and the 2nd stage can be during a few-10 or even slightly more years when there are no symptoms at all before it progresses to the final stage AIDs only then it's deadly and symptoms start to occur.

Now it seems to me that something like that happened after some time after possible infection, but I just thought it was me catching cold or something... I never told anybody about that incident. And it would be too embarassing and overwhelming to get tested or ask for an advice back then as I was at school back then and led a very sheltered and isolated lifestyle.

But I don't want to talk about it or write here before I get tested and get the results because there's nothing else I can do about it.

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 04:04 AM
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I hope that your results are negative, and that youíre okay. Thereís no reason for anyone to judge you for it, and it isnít your fault.

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