Self-absorbed but it's ok
Join Date: Oct 2014
Language: Bad English
Extremely worried and depressed about potential HIV infection
I’m making myself really vulnerable to judgement again, but since this forum is the only place I’m trying to be 100% open about everything, so be it. Before writing judgemental comments, keep in mind I’m serious about it and when I’ll find results for an HIV test, I will inform you about them in this thread.
I had a therapy yesterday and due to certain topics being openly discussed with the therapist or anyone for that matter for the first time I remembered something today... I don’t know who’s reading this thread. It could be anyone, so I don’t know how safe it’s to describe all the details.... Let’s say, today I clearly remembered an incident that happened from 10 to 7 years ago in which a person from one of the groups with high risk for HIV tried to potentially infect me with it... I was a teenager, dissociated from my body, abandoned by my parents (one physically as well as in all the other ways and another one was neglecting me in all other ways but physical ones, gaslighted me about any of my concerns that were treated as not serious and imagined by me), living in a country where these topics were a huge taboo which is only slightly changing in recent years, which was never discussed in my family, not knowing how exactly you can be infected... I was also being bullied and ostracised by my classmates at that time and was extremely depressed... I didn’t know anything about childhood trauma, psychological pathologies, wasn’t enlightened in any topic I am enlightened in today... So I was just living this neglected and had a worldview and perception based on my experience, upbringing and culture. I never had an HIV test done, thinking it wouldn’t be possible to have for me, never had doctors or anyone referencing me for it either. I have a certain low level of one blood component that is sometimes the same in HIV-infected people due to the virus, but I only found it out now by googling. The doctors would never mention this virus and I thought the reason was unknown or innate. I don’t know why I’m having this autoimmune thyroid disorder that I found out I had it in the age of 16 either. According to everything I was previously reading, the reasons were either unknown or innate, but now I’ve read about HIV patients having problems with thyroid too when googled them together.
I have a partner too so it makes me even more worried. No need to patronise me and talk about something that has already happened, I know everything... I told him about it as soon as I remembered. And I will get the test done as soon as it will be possible.
My friend’s older sister died from HIV in recent past. It was because she was feeling ashamed, this topic is taboo, victims of HIV are stigmatised in my country, because she was depressed and hopeless, not being able to care for her self because of her own childhood traumas as well... Plus in a clinic where she was for HIV patients in the capital of my country they weren’t even trying to save her when it was severe, but still could... Her husband who infected her who probably got to know about the virus he had many years after, her family (that only got to know about that problem from him because she didn’t want to bother them or was afraid of their judgement) were in a shock state and extremely depressed state (in case with her husband and mother especially) and they weren’t fighting for her, fighting with the administration of the clinic to move her into another one where she could be treated (she was in a coma at that point of time). They had this feeling of helplessness, as if God will decide if she’ll be living or not, and in a later stage they just thought it was over and she’ll die anyway before it was actually over and before she died. Yes, religious biases that exist even in not so religious people, that are there because of their own personal distortions they have because of their own personalities that formed based on upbringing they had and traumas, so the bias only rationalised them and helped those distortions... I actually wouldn’t label religion though because when he went to a priest it was the priest who told him that that clinic was bad for HIV patients even though it’s officially “for” them and he told him to fight to move her to another clinic before it was actually too late.
Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't
Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.