@Disheveled and Lost
Going back to therapy in 2 weeks and hope to find more self acceptance. To accept that I am shy and no playboy, macho, alpha dancing singing guy that has to have sex with 17636739 girls... All my friends were pretty much women magnets. So I guess thats why I hate myself so much. Because in my teenager years these guys were hanging out with girls and enjoying life, where I had to deal with very heavy acne, that locked me in my room for 6+ years.
Why do you think you have it much worse?
How is it with you guys? Do you try to find out the roots and traumatic events? What do you think why you have Toxic Shame? I know I have it from my dad. And he has it from his dad.
Yea well if you are sexually active you give off some type of chemicals that attract other women, it is really powerful, no joke. So the problem is that after some time, you stop giving that off and women will lose interest, it is like you lose that scent in a way. The girl I was nuts about cut it off 3 years ago, and that was the most devastating thing ever. I am past not caring, it isn't even a strategy anymore, "look like I don't care and I will attract women" I don't look anyone in the eye anymore for a good year or more, if a woman is interested, i wouldn't even know it, and have zero ability to read signals if any women are interested. I am also not an alpha male and a complete loser in high school, I had bad acne too but that was just part of it, i was the frail bookworm you know. The problem is that who you are in high school, if you were an outcast, VERY hard to escape that later on. Because even if you graduate to Mr. Cool guy deep down in your heart you FEEL like the outcast anyway decades after high school. I just think in my case I am not a genuine confident person and it takes supreme effort to fake being Mr. Personality or bubbly outgoing fun person. It is so far the opposite of who I am, and I was able to be with women projecting that image but like i said, i would rather find ANYONE who I can complain to rather than be that fake person.
I don't have the balls to travel aside from sporting events closeby and it does take guts to be in a hostel, it is good to get out of your comfort zone, i am 41 and very hard to relate to people that young. I am immature in many ways my whole life is sports TV video games movies, but people that young tend to think they have life figured out somehow. The older I get the LESS I feel I know you know hehe
After my ex, yes i get nuts when I see gorgeous women but I am so damn emotional that if i had a chance with a hot girl, I would be more concerned with talking and connecting for 4 or 5 hours before anything else. I am like a woman that way, because if i just sleep with a random girl I feel cheap and she will feel cheap and looking back on it, it won't mean anything. To be a player i have the completely wrong outlook or something, I want to connect in every way but sex initially so I am basically an emotional wreck. Part of me wants to sleep with every hot girl but I am too honest or sweet to do that.
There is nothing wrong with staying inside to regroup. Last year i had Yankees baseball games 5 nights in a row sometimes and every game is like 6 and a half hours or more with traveling from door to door, but then I would stay home for a full week after that. Ideally there should be a balance of going out and staying in, in my case there never is, I rarely plan anything and there is no order or structure to my life anyway.
I have never used a hooker, I feel it is wrong on some level, but I have slept with a few women that were trashy I guess, but some that were also classy. I think I am afraid of women's judgment, women are very good at psychologically messing with my head, that is what I am afraid of, it has happened, like a guy who I am mad at will just punch me in the face but women's wrath will scar me internally hehe Yea friends I had also were great with women, I think I was friends with them so i could live vicariously through them, like riding their coattails. Better to be your own person win or lose than follow around a winner hoping it will rub off on me