Everything destroyed in 48 hrs - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-24-2018, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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Everything destroyed in 48 hrs


Hi,

I am Mike. Broke up with my GF 4 months ago and was on vacation for 4 months, traveling and connecting with people. I connected, talked with a lot of people, even made friends. People accepted me and I felt loved and good. I thought I made huge progress. After that brake up I told myself I will start a new life being social and confident. Because that brake up was the hardest thing in my life. And as we broke up she said "nobody will accept you like I do". I set goals and became very positive (was a depressed guy) on holidays. Short story, I made good progress on vacation, was more confident then ever before in my life.

Came back from holiday 2 days ago. Yesterday we met friends. I was confident, talking loud and clear to a group of 5-6 people. I felt like a real confident man for the first time. It was maybe my best day in my life in terms of confidence and self acceptance. Everybody was asking me questions and was talking to me. Really I talked a lot yesterday. I thought to my self "WTF how confident did I became"? They bombed me with questions I would become ultrashy months ago. I made jokes, talked to 3 girls at once with clear deep eye contact. No shame, nothing. Then they dropped the bomb and told I am a silent guy and do not talk a lot. Then the girls started saying "I would never date a silent guy" etc. (because we broke up with my GF 4 months ago and they were asking me how she liked me because I am silent etc.) That really destroyed me inside. But I played very good and was still loud and confident etc.

But as I woke up this morning, I already felt I am completely in shame (I know about Toxic shame thread here and the book from bradshaw, also doing EFT for years). Then I had to meet these people again hours before. And I was completely shy and silent and did almost talked nothing. Pretty much the guy I was months before. And the girls started laughing and whispering to each other (I think about me). Man my nightmare became true. 4 months of work, self love etc. and boom back to zero. Almost every trigger got activated. They had a small child with them, the child wanted to dance with me and wanted me to sing etc. Boom ultrashame.

Now I Started to think about suicide and that life makes no sense anymore again. No more positive visions. I dont want to meet anybody anymore. I want to be alone. I think I will never ever get a GF again. At the moment I want to die. Really nobody accepts me. My EX GF probably did not accept me as well and maybe that was a reason why we broke up. I broke up but later realized that was my biggest mistake in life. Because now I am completey alone in this world again. And there is no way being back together. She now has a new macho man BF. Complete oposite of me.

Life gives me really always the worst. My life was always a pretty big nightmare. I had heavy Akne from 12 to 18 years, wich destroyed my life. I had several girlfriends and each of them cheated on me or left me for another guy.

I had so many goals for when I am back from holiday. Make friends, go out every day, enjoy life and travel. Now they really killed and destroyed everything in 48 hours. Now I want to be at home and not talk to people and lock me in my house again, playing playstation. Just being alone forever. All plans destroyed. If they do not accept me, who will? Now really I want to die! Because I really tried hard and got rejected again. Over and over again. I know now I will become isolated again and probably never meet a girl who will accept me. I had no GF for 9 years before my EX.

Is there any hope out of this Toxic Shame? I mean, I will never been able to be a super confident clown who sings, dances, makes everybody laugh and an super alpha male with huge sex life etc. But it looks like "normal" people only accept you when you are like that.

Really lost all my motivation and am anxious to become totaly socialy isolated again like I was before my GF. I literaly had nobody before her and was doing everything in my life alone. How can I deal with this situation and keep me motivated like I was in these 4 months on vacation? I mean this clearly showed me that I will never been able to connect with people and been accepted and normal. Maybe I lived an illusion on holidays and am now back to reality? I tried hard to be "normal" and social but I feel so destroyed after these 2 days.
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-24-2018, 08:32 AM Thread Starter
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They are calling me to meet later but at the moment I want to never see them again. And I want to be alone forever.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-25-2018, 12:03 AM
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Life is unfair and messed up so dont worry about it. Instead of yielding to negative emotions, throw them out of your mind and dont let things bother you. If people think you're shy or weird then dont feel ashamed, just be yourself whether people like it or not, that is how to be confident. And if a girlfriend ditches you for some macho guy or something then how did you end up with her in the first place??? I mean there seems to be so many mistakes here, like i mean you broke up with your first girlfriend because you thought she didnt accept you? Why didnt you just talk it out?

And if you did but couldnt trust her, then how did you end up with someone like that. There's a reason relationships and marriages fail all the time, and it's often because they werent true relationships to begin with. Either that, or both partners failed to communicate and reciprocate effort into the relationship. Like seriously, if 3 girlfriends cheat on you in a row, then you ard clearly going for the wrong type of girl. Surely they must have showed at least some signs of being flippant or shallow or selfish? Dont be so desperate to the point of chaining yourself to some selfish person. Try to find someone like you.

And really, life often sucks and bad things happen but dont just give up because of that. You have a whole life ahead of you, chances of meeting amazing people, people to live for. Why are you going to give up? Some people reject you, some fake girlfriends cheat on you, you have SA, you miss out on some things, that's life. Learn to not care about your problems, appreciate the good things in life like the relationships you have and being able to talk to people confidently sometimes, etc. You probably have lots of good things in your life. You grew up around people, you can relate to them at least somewhat, you had girlfriends, you had friends, you were able to have a good time around people without feeling like a complete alien.

Do you know how good it is to have those things? Some people never have those things, i would dream of having even just one of those things lol. My point is you need to appreciate the good things in life, some people are crippled or disabled or blind or starving etc. And focus on making your life into the life you want it to be, start with a positive mindset. You have SA, but you can cure that, you seem to be making good progress. You met people, all you need to do is meet more people. Try to relax and dont worry about it, life is unfair and you seem to have it worse than a lot of people but you need to be strong and cherish the good that you do have. And focus on being positive rather than letting negativity consume you. Emotional suffering is subjective, some people have no food to eat or they are paralyzed so they feel miserable. And then some people in 1st world countries with average lives feel miserable too. It is all about perception. Hopefully this will give you a healthier perspective.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-25-2018, 01:39 AM
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Dude something iv realised after coming back from 'traveling' or w.e is that there is confidence initially. and then it wares off. for me anyway it did. i think when you a are traveling to a differenent destination, there is usualy loads of people around and you a re exploring new ground. and if you dont upkeep a similar social existence you might get back into your old routines of s.a when returning home.
That being said. I know its hard when someone says something fkt up infront of a bunch of people that makes u feel shocked. iv probably learnt that counteracting in that split moment right there is a better choice, instead of letting it eat you up mentally later. so since its already happened to you i would say, try to accept it, know that some people are just quiet. and be proud of it. and whoever said that sucks and was obviously trying to maybe make u look bad. So feel better about yourself and make them look bad next time ) maybe? ehh. or not my advice might be horrible. GL
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-25-2018, 03:19 AM
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-25-2018, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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Hey guys, thanks!

I was completely down yesterday because that brake up was a big thing for me (and still is). You know how hard it is with SA to get a girlfriend. And then this girl picked on me. Was a hard day. Today its better. Still hard to deal with this "disease" when you thought in holiday you made very good progress and now felt that you are where you always were...

The GF thing was a bit complicated. I felt that she is seeing somebody else, so I got in panic (fear of abandonment) and broke up so that she would not do. But she called me after I broke up and begged for thinking time. 1 week later she dumped me for silly reasons but also telling me that I donīt meet her friends and she can not accept this etc. At the end, I guess it was true since a picture arrived 7 days later where she is kissing a guy. Some friends say she only took revenge on you for braking up. Not sure what happened.

And yeah, what the most hurtfull thing on this relationship was, she gave me the feeling that she accepted me completely with all my faults. I did different hidden tests on her related to SA (telling her I am like this, I donīt like to be with lot of people etc.) and she always told me "thats no problem for me, I love you forever and would die for you" blah. So I really trusted her and loved her deeply. I never trusted anybody this much in my life. I gave her my heart. Then she took the knife, sting it in my heart and rotatet it. Because at the end (where she broke up), she told me that she tried to accept me but she was wrong, she cant do that anymore with me, I am not social, donīt want to meet her friends etc.

That was the deepest pain I ever felt in my life. And am still trying to recover from this. And than 2 days ago this on topic happened, where they told me nobody would accept me and love me and I am this and that way... So I was yet one more time in big pain.

Sorry but I needed to start this topic on that day because I felt completely lost. But I met 3 friends (1 new girl in the group) today and everything went pretty smoothly again. But yet with this huge pain in my stomach.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2019, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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So guys,

itīs been a long time since the brake up and I have gone through a lot of ****. I had times with weird confidence, I never experienced in my life before. And then times I broke down and cried a lot because I got triggered and the shame was back with all its power.

This brake up was a wake up. I forced my fears so much in the last 6 months. I would never have done all this if this cheating of my EX GF would not have been happened. The craziest thing Iīve done so far in the last years was that I traveled to the canary islands and am living in a hostel with 12 other people in one room for 3 weeks now. It was nice and I met a few people there.

Now I moved to a different hostel where people are extremely extroverted, dance, sing, laugh and have fun. Itīs really a huge nightmare for me here. But it is "funny" to watch my emotions and how I got triggered and how I get thrown back to school days and reexperience the same emotions like back there. I donīt know if all these experiences will change anything. I doubt it somehow. Because the last 2 days I got triggered a lot again and had some brake downs where I cried (locking me in a bathroom).

The weirdest thing is, no matter how confident you act, no matter how much you talk, people can smell that there is something wrong with you. I just met three facebook friends I never met before hours ago. I talked all the time. It was all over again in interview mode. I answered all questions pretty confidently, made some jokes, asked them some questions. And 20 minutes later that one guy told "you are very introverted". Yep. I talked the most and I am introverted. They smell it. I think it is the blocked body language. Or the face expression. Or, what I have read and think really is the cause, you sent out an energy that other can feel.

The coolest therapy I did so far were two voice dialogue sessions with a professional practitioner. It was so weird. The therapist seperated me from the shame (my inner child), so I was able to hug him and give him all my love. She told me "would you kick your own child away if it would feel all the pain you feel in social situations"?. NO, OF COURSE NOT. You would hug him and tell him that all is good and he is absolutely ok as he is. So, do the same to you. Probably you can only do this if you get seperated from your inner child. Do a voice dialogue session.

And somehow this process gets automated in social situations. So you start telling to yourself "hey little boy, you are fine, its not your fault, you are safe, come in my arms" and you immediately feel a release and donīt give much **** about what other say or think. Because you realize that itīs more important to love yourself. Not others must love you. It is really the inner child that we try to push away, when it feels ashamed in social situations. Try to give him a hug instead!

I got thrown back so often in my progress where I lose it and think "lock yourself in your home and never go out again". But is that really a good life? No. Itīs not a fair life. Itīs not fair to see other people laughing, having fun, approaching girls and having all they want. Just minutes ago an italian guy came in the kitchen where I and 10 other people were sitting. He was dancing and singing and laughing and the girls had hearts in their eyes. It was so sad to see how great life can be. But thats our way that "god" or whoever gave us. And we have to go through it. Sometimes I think "damn how great would it be to die". But thats not the solution. At least not now. I try to push harder. And I will fall many many more times. But these last 6 months were really an interesting adventure. And if all fails, yeah, I can lock myself in my house and play games all day. Like I did the last 6 years before.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2019, 04:58 PM
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You achieved more in 4 months than I did in my whole life. You should be proud about yourself.

And friends telling you are quiet shouldn't be such a shock. A few years back, I went with a friend to a party. One girl told me at least 2 times why I was so quiet and didn't talk. I just answered politely, I was not a big talker.
I never made a huge issue out of this.

Everybody is different. People who talk to much tend to annoy me. Some might find the opposite irritating, so what?

"Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist." ~ Our Lady of La Salette
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2019, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Well, yes, I pushed me hard the last months. And it was nice. As I said, I would never have done all that if I would not get so hurt from my EX. Iīve gone through hell. Especially the first week was insane. I was close to suicide. Not because I lost her. But because I opened my deepest self to her and she took a knife and killed it. That incredible pain of rejection was not standable. Telling me that she loves me more than anything else and that she would die for me and then seeing her to leave me for an extrovert playboy who is the complete opposite. And everything she told me were just lies. Seeing this guy behind my back for months, then looking me in the eyes and telling me she loves me. Knowing this person for 13 years. Helped her with her disease. And then she can do this so easily. No human being deserves such a treatment.

The problem that occurs now is, now that the pain of that brake up wears off more and more, I get back to old behaviours, patterns and feelings. And my biggest fear was and is that I will be the same as before her earlier or later. That hurts me the most at the moment. Going through such pain and learned nothing from it. Going back to be the nice guy to girls that looks for acceptance, approve and love from others. Or worse, complete isolation and the mindset "I donīt need anybody, I am happy being alone".
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-05-2019, 05:04 AM
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It is funny that you are traveling and in situations where you are sharing a room with all these people, I never could do that, at least you are testing the waters to see if you can fit in somewhere. i think you are way too fixated on "I'm shy! They can tell I am shy! I am super outgoing to hide the fact that i am introverted! They can tell I am introverted even though I am wearing a sign that says I am outgoing!" AT least you had multiple girlfriends, all i had were flings. It sucks it ended with the girl but none of these relationships really last long i have learned. Any relationships that last end up corroded and everyone is cheating on everyone or they are staying together to show off to their friends how stable and happy their life is, or they stay together for financial reasons or there are kids involved. It is amazing to me that you are traveling this much, I couldn't do that, again you are too focused on being an extrovert or people finding out your deep dark secret that you are an introvert. If anyone confronts you saying you are an introvert, say "yea and I am proud of it" or better yet, say in a snide way, "Yes, this is the first time i have spoken a word to any human being, it is a scary feeling but I like it and want to do it again!" Extroverts are complete idiots in a way, I mean i have no energy to engage people all day long, exhausting and pointless you know. Just be an extrovert once in a while or fake it, who the hell has the patience time or energy to be an extrovert all the time
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-05-2019, 06:55 AM
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sounds like you life has been 1000x better than mine has.

don`t be so down others have it much worse
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-05-2019, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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@Disheveled and Lost

In the last 5 months I did not care much about what others think about me because of the rage I had about my EX. I was not giving a **** and was somehow confident because I did not try to be confident. I was not giving a **** if I am. I just realized that I am the most imporant person in my life. But now that the anger wears off, I try to be that guy I was the last 5 months. And yeah, people can tell the difference if you are or you try to be. Looks like I need to get cheated each 4-5 months, so I can live

Today I had one damn worse day. The shame took completely over me as these three mentioned facebook friends called me to go out to a party. I was not able to because they judged me yesterday so I turned off my phone. A very frustrating day. And this new hostel pulls all my triggers at the same time. The other one I was 3 weeks was ok because it were people in my age (mid 30īs). But here we have 16-20 yrs old extroverted kids singing and dancing all day. Well I wanted to test my limits. And here they are

Yet it is interesting to see how many things from school time get retrigered. There is this girl I found attractive and an pretty confident good looking guy came to the hostel yesterday and hooked her up ASAP and ****ed her. Same **** happened in secondary schools as I was in (secret) love with a girl (funny, she looks pretty much the same as this girl in the hostel) and she ****ed with the alpha guys.

I knew this journey will end one day and life will be back to normal. I was out on the streets every ****ing day for the last 6 months. But some inner part of me is so strong at the moment. It tries to lock me in a room all day, where it thinks I am safe. And I have no power over it.

I am aware of my biggest triggers, wich is the huuuuge fear of rejection. The pain is so big when people call you shy. Because I got told "you are shy" all my life. So I guess for my subconcious mind this is equal to "you are worthless".

Fact is, I canīt heal this stuff with just confronting my fears. I tried this so often. I had several girlfriends. Went to hookers so often. Had even one night stands. But yet I can not talk to women I donīt know/trust. That is so weird. And the longer I donīt talk with girls, the worse it gets. I have this since I can think. I was not able to talk to girls since my first school day. Yet I approached a girl with 11, wich was my first GF. I simply can not find out what the root of this could be? There must have happened something traumatic with a women back when I was a baby.

Going back to therapy in 2 weeks and hope to find more self acceptance. To accept that I am shy and no playboy, macho, alpha dancing singing guy that has to have sex with 17636739 girls... All my friends were pretty much women magnets. So I guess thats why I hate myself so much. Because in my teenager years these guys were hanging out with girls and enjoying life, where I had to deal with very heavy acne, that locked me in my room for 6+ years.

@grassisgreener
Why do you think you have it much worse?

How is it with you guys? Do you try to find out the roots and traumatic events? What do you think why you have Toxic Shame? I know I have it from my dad. And he has it from his dad.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2019, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by MikeM81 View Post
@Disheveled and Lost

Going back to therapy in 2 weeks and hope to find more self acceptance. To accept that I am shy and no playboy, macho, alpha dancing singing guy that has to have sex with 17636739 girls... All my friends were pretty much women magnets. So I guess thats why I hate myself so much. Because in my teenager years these guys were hanging out with girls and enjoying life, where I had to deal with very heavy acne, that locked me in my room for 6+ years.

@grassisgreener
Why do you think you have it much worse?

How is it with you guys? Do you try to find out the roots and traumatic events? What do you think why you have Toxic Shame? I know I have it from my dad. And he has it from his dad.
Yea well if you are sexually active you give off some type of chemicals that attract other women, it is really powerful, no joke. So the problem is that after some time, you stop giving that off and women will lose interest, it is like you lose that scent in a way. The girl I was nuts about cut it off 3 years ago, and that was the most devastating thing ever. I am past not caring, it isn't even a strategy anymore, "look like I don't care and I will attract women" I don't look anyone in the eye anymore for a good year or more, if a woman is interested, i wouldn't even know it, and have zero ability to read signals if any women are interested. I am also not an alpha male and a complete loser in high school, I had bad acne too but that was just part of it, i was the frail bookworm you know. The problem is that who you are in high school, if you were an outcast, VERY hard to escape that later on. Because even if you graduate to Mr. Cool guy deep down in your heart you FEEL like the outcast anyway decades after high school. I just think in my case I am not a genuine confident person and it takes supreme effort to fake being Mr. Personality or bubbly outgoing fun person. It is so far the opposite of who I am, and I was able to be with women projecting that image but like i said, i would rather find ANYONE who I can complain to rather than be that fake person.

I don't have the balls to travel aside from sporting events closeby and it does take guts to be in a hostel, it is good to get out of your comfort zone, i am 41 and very hard to relate to people that young. I am immature in many ways my whole life is sports TV video games movies, but people that young tend to think they have life figured out somehow. The older I get the LESS I feel I know you know hehe

After my ex, yes i get nuts when I see gorgeous women but I am so damn emotional that if i had a chance with a hot girl, I would be more concerned with talking and connecting for 4 or 5 hours before anything else. I am like a woman that way, because if i just sleep with a random girl I feel cheap and she will feel cheap and looking back on it, it won't mean anything. To be a player i have the completely wrong outlook or something, I want to connect in every way but sex initially so I am basically an emotional wreck. Part of me wants to sleep with every hot girl but I am too honest or sweet to do that.

There is nothing wrong with staying inside to regroup. Last year i had Yankees baseball games 5 nights in a row sometimes and every game is like 6 and a half hours or more with traveling from door to door, but then I would stay home for a full week after that. Ideally there should be a balance of going out and staying in, in my case there never is, I rarely plan anything and there is no order or structure to my life anyway.

I have never used a hooker, I feel it is wrong on some level, but I have slept with a few women that were trashy I guess, but some that were also classy. I think I am afraid of women's judgment, women are very good at psychologically messing with my head, that is what I am afraid of, it has happened, like a guy who I am mad at will just punch me in the face but women's wrath will scar me internally hehe Yea friends I had also were great with women, I think I was friends with them so i could live vicariously through them, like riding their coattails. Better to be your own person win or lose than follow around a winner hoping it will rub off on me
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2019, 07:19 PM
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This made no sense. If I'm talking to a bunch of women and I am leading the conversation and out of nowhere they started saying I silent I would start telling them they are mentally off and stupid af.

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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-22-2019, 05:02 PM
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@grassisgreener
Why do you think you have it much worse?

How is it with you guys? Do you try to find out the roots and traumatic events? What do you think why you have Toxic Shame? I know I have it from my dad. And he has it from his dad.[/QUOTE]

well i am 41 years old, i had one close or what i thought was friend but he ended up being a manipulative kunt and always put me down to make himself feel better.
i have never had a girlfriend. been on one date only 20 years ago, i have not worked in nearly 8 years. applied for 40 jobs last week which i have no interest in doing just to try and break the cycle i am in but don`t even get an email or phonecall.

i only stay alive for my mother because i know it would finish her if i did something stupid. i see no future for me at all, i just want to win the lotto or something buy a house and close off away from people had enough of trying to fit in.
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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-22-2019, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by MikeM81 View Post
@grassisgreener
Why do you think you have it much worse?

How is it with you guys? Do you try to find out the roots and traumatic events? What do you think why you have Toxic Shame? I know I have it from my dad. And he has it from his dad.
A lot of us guys here in this level of SAS h**l have never had a gf. We are either on the government dole, stuck in the basement or equivalent, or in a dead-end job where coworkers constantly mock us, and no social life outside of work.

You are mid-30's and are going to hostels? I thought those were for younger people. Well maybe 30's can still be like the 20's for some of us. And the dating scene isn't great for those of us over 35 with the same age women who mostly already have baggage or kids of their own.

Well, you sound like you made a lot of progress. But then had betrayal by your ex-gf and others. Which I'd agree totally sucks because there always seem to be some ****head who wants to tear someone else down for any perceived history of "weakness". So much for a caring and supportive society and community , fair minding their own business instead of always being judgmental and competitive. imo society is continuing to burn down like the rest of the ****ty world.

Without having won the lotto, I've given up on dating and thought about just doing exercise or such as goals. But man, I look like such an older loser like the bums and homeless around, walking, gym-ing, running or biking alone in public.
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