Doesn't it ****ing annoy you wanting what you can't have? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-26-2010, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
Why can't I be happy?
 
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Doesn't it ****ing annoy you wanting what you can't have?


I REALLY like this guy. I can't get him out of my ****ing head. I've talked to him a few time, but ughhh I can't say much! I sick of think about him all the time, but he's so beautiful and interesting. I'm ugly and weird. That does not go together. I want him to want to talk to me, ask me for my number or something, I don't know. I really want to get to know him, he seems so amazing. But I'm weird and a loser, not as pretty as most girls-What I feel like. He doesn't really see me like that, just another ****ing person in the world. I wish I were perfect. This always happens and this is why I will remain single. It blows. I'm going to have a lot of sexual frustration built up soon. No one really knows..I've never made out before, and would like too, I don't even think I've kissed on the lips..and you can assume I never had sex.

I really really want this guy, but obviously I have social problems, and on top of that I'm nervous because I like him, I hate myself for not being goof looking enough for him or even skinny enough, smart enough, fun enough etc...
I want to be a better person in every way.

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-26-2010, 11:24 PM
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Yes it does. I feel your pain. Im good looking, and male. Sometimes I wouldnt mind if a female asked ME for MY number. Wouldnt bother me at all. Perhaps you should try that. Worst thing that can happen is he says no. Who cares really. Ive been turned down plenty of times. Its embarrassing for like 5 seconds and only is awkward if you let it be.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 12:31 AM Thread Starter
Why can't I be happy?
 
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Yes it does. I feel your pain. Im good looking, and male. Sometimes I wouldnt mind if a female asked ME for MY number. Wouldnt bother me at all. Perhaps you should try that. Worst thing that can happen is he says no. Who cares really. Ive been turned down plenty of times. Its embarrassing for like 5 seconds and only is awkward if you let it be.
lol yeah. I have been rejected before. It hurt, but for me it hurts longer, if I really like the person. I think if this guy rejected me I'd be sad for weeks and then if reminded I'll get sad again.

I guess I could try, maybe I'll finally be able to move on..still will suck.

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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 02:39 AM
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I know exactly how you feel. Can't get this girl out of my head, I actually talk to her a lot at work, and we have a crazy chemistry between us(we flirt with each other all the time) one of the very very very few girls I don't feel awkward around, but now she has a boyfriend because I was too scared to ask her out, even my friend said she got the impression this girl was really smitten with me, but alas my brain just won't believe that anyone can like me at all. It sucks.

But keep in mind do you actually know you're not good looking enough for him? And keep in mind that nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws. You really need to just get to know him, either you realize that you do really like him, or he ends up not living up to your expectations and you won't feel as sad.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 03:13 AM
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yup, that's been a major theme for me in my life. not even just wanting girls but just wanting to be normal around male friends. the world is so frustrating to me because it is filled with reminders of things i wanted and should have been able to get but didn't/cany because of my social struggles.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by amene View Post
I REALLY like this guy. I can't get him out of my ****ing head. I've talked to him a few time, but ughhh I can't say much! I sick of think about him all the time, but he's so beautiful and interesting. I'm ugly and weird. That does not go together. I want him to want to talk to me, ask me for my number or something, I don't know. I really want to get to know him, he seems so amazing. But I'm weird and a loser, not as pretty as most girls-What I feel like. He doesn't really see me like that, just another ****ing person in the world. I wish I were perfect. This always happens and this is why I will remain single. It blows. I'm going to have a lot of sexual frustration built up soon. No one really knows..I've never made out before, and would like too, I don't even think I've kissed on the lips..and you can assume I never had sex.

I really really want this guy, but obviously I have social problems, and on top of that I'm nervous because I like him, I hate myself for not being goof looking enough for him or even skinny enough, smart enough, fun enough etc...
I want to be a better person in every way.
I don't know how you look like but i'm sure that it's because of your anxiety that you think you are not good enough for him.Maybe you can give hints that you like him and see how he react.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 08:02 AM
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Maybe you can put on some makeup, wear flattering clothes and/or do your hair really nicely. Taking care of yourself can help you to be more confident (or at least to appear more confident) and it may help your crush to notice you.

But before all that you have to convince yourself that you would make a great girlfriend and you deserve a wonderful boyfriend!
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 06:04 PM
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I wish I were perfect.
So do I. Literally every day, I ritualistically get rid of all my physical flaws in my head. I visualize the flaw being removed and I analyze how much better I would look if I didn't have it. I can't fantasize about sex, cuddling or any type of physical intimacy if I don't perform this ocd ritual, my sex drive is very low because of this. Before I lost my job, what bothered me was the attention I received about my looks but my flaws themselves only bothered me a little. Now I've become so aware of them and how turned off the women I view as desirable would be by them. What makes it so harsh is that I didn't always have these flaws (ie. stretch marks, chronically dry lips, ) so I have to analyze how much better things could be if I didn't have them, especially if I were smart enough to prevent them from happening in the first place.

I haven't wanted a girlfriend since I was 19-20 years old but I find myself thinking how great it might be to have one.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 07:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Misanthropic View Post
So do I. Literally every day, I ritualistically get rid of all my physical flaws in my head. I visualize the flaw being removed and I analyze how much better I would look if I didn't have it. I can't fantasize about sex, cuddling or any type of physical intimacy if I don't perform this ocd ritual, my sex drive is very low because of this. Before I lost my job, what bothered me was the attention I received about my looks but my flaws themselves only bothered me a little. Now I've become so aware of them and how turned off the women I view as desirable would be by them. What makes it so harsh is that I didn't always have these flaws (ie. stretch marks, chronically dry lips, ) so I have to analyze how much better things could be if I didn't have them, especially if I were smart enough to prevent them from happening in the first place.

I haven't wanted a girlfriend since I was 19-20 years old but I find myself thinking how great it might be to have one.
Everyone tends to be their own worst critic, especially when it comes to physical appearance. I know I sure hate the way I look. It's easy to focus on the things we don't like about ourselves, and then assume that other people will not like those features as much as we do. But I've never had someone point out one of their own "flaws" that they hated and thought "yeah, I can see why they hate that. It bothers me too." Usually they will be self conscious about something that I never even noticed, or actually thought made them more unique and attractive.

The "flaws" that you listed seem like extremely minor/unnoticeable things to me. I think that they are most likely not as big of a deal to other people as you believe they are.



OP - I know how you feel. I've missed out on a lot of opportunities in life due to SA. I think about all the times that I intentionally faded into the background, rather than assert myself and put myself out there. There are a lot of goals that I have in life, and sometimes I feel like I'll never achieve them b/c my SA prevents me from chasing my dreams.

But I don't believe that life has to be this way forever. The root of the problem is SA, and if we work on building up confidence and changing our SA behavior patterns, then everything else will fall into place eventually.

Maybe you can start by making an effort to get to know this guy better. Keep it low pressure (on yourself) and friendly, and see where it goes from there.

The future is here, and it's about a hundred feet above the Arby's.


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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by amene View Post
I REALLY like this guy. I can't get him out of my ****ing head. I've talked to him a few time, but ughhh I can't say much! I sick of think about him all the time, but he's so beautiful and interesting. I'm ugly and weird. That does not go together. I want him to want to talk to me, ask me for my number or something, I don't know. I really want to get to know him, he seems so amazing. But I'm weird and a loser, not as pretty as most girls-What I feel like. He doesn't really see me like that, just another ****ing person in the world. I wish I were perfect. This always happens and this is why I will remain single. It blows. I'm going to have a lot of sexual frustration built up soon. No one really knows..I've never made out before, and would like too, I don't even think I've kissed on the lips..and you can assume I never had sex.

I really really want this guy, but obviously I have social problems, and on top of that I'm nervous because I like him, I hate myself for not being goof looking enough for him or even skinny enough, smart enough, fun enough etc...
I want to be a better person in every way.
That is you're problem riiiight there. Think about it. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. You can always improve yourself but you need to accept yourself as you are. Stop doubting and go for what you want.
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 11:58 PM Thread Starter
Why can't I be happy?
 
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Originally Posted by jmoop View Post
Maybe you can put on some makeup, wear flattering clothes and/or do your hair really nicely. Taking care of yourself can help you to be more confident (or at least to appear more confident) and it may help your crush to notice you.

But before all that you have to convince yourself that you would make a great girlfriend and you deserve a wonderful boyfriend!
Yeah confidence is my problem, very big problem...

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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2010, 11:59 PM
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"Im good looking and a male" LMAO!

keep your eye on the ball
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
Why can't I be happy?
 
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Originally Posted by Misanthropic View Post
So do I. Literally every day, I ritualistically get rid of all my physical flaws in my head. I visualize the flaw being removed and I analyze how much better I would look if I didn't have it. I can't fantasize about sex, cuddling or any type of physical intimacy if I don't perform this ocd ritual, my sex drive is very low because of this. Before I lost my job, what bothered me was the attention I received about my looks but my flaws themselves only bothered me a little. Now I've become so aware of them and how turned off the women I view as desirable would be by them. What makes it so harsh is that I didn't always have these flaws (ie. stretch marks, chronically dry lips, ) so I have to analyze how much better things could be if I didn't have them, especially if I were smart enough to prevent them from happening in the first place.

I haven't wanted a girlfriend since I was 19-20 years old but I find myself thinking how great it might be to have one.
Yeah, I do that a lot. In my head I'm outgoing and confident and beautiful and he become mine...

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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:05 AM Thread Starter
Why can't I be happy?
 
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Originally Posted by au Lait View Post
Everyone tends to be their own worst critic, especially when it comes to physical appearance. I know I sure hate the way I look. It's easy to focus on the things we don't like about ourselves, and then assume that other people will not like those features as much as we do. But I've never had someone point out one of their own "flaws" that they hated and thought "yeah, I can see why they hate that. It bothers me too." Usually they will be self conscious about something that I never even noticed, or actually thought made them more unique and attractive.

The "flaws" that you listed seem like extremely minor/unnoticeable things to me. I think that they are most likely not as big of a deal to other people as you believe they are.



OP - I know how you feel. I've missed out on a lot of opportunities in life due to SA. I think about all the times that I intentionally faded into the background, rather than assert myself and put myself out there. There are a lot of goals that I have in life, and sometimes I feel like I'll never achieve them b/c my SA prevents me from chasing my dreams.

But I don't believe that life has to be this way forever. The root of the problem is SA, and if we work on building up confidence and changing our SA behavior patterns, then everything else will fall into place eventually.

Maybe you can start by making an effort to get to know this guy better. Keep it low pressure (on yourself) and friendly, and see where it goes from there.

Well, I'm going to try and do things better. I'm trying talk more, even though it's become very hard. Going to try and eat better and exercise. I took all online classes next semester, but will try and take some lecture to maybe meet new people..I have the WORST confidence problems, it;s something I REALLY need to work on, or Im ****ed. SA has kind've put me behind in a lot of things. It's hard, when he's near I shake and my heart beats so fast.

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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:06 AM Thread Starter
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Stop doubting and go for what you want.
It's very hard not too...

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:07 AM Thread Starter
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"Im good looking and a male" LMAO!
lol

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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:08 AM Thread Starter
Why can't I be happy?
 
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I don't know how you look like but i'm sure that it's because of your anxiety that you think you are not good enough for him.Maybe you can give hints that you like him and see how he react.
You mean flirt right? I haven't flirted for 5 years...I have so much to work on and yes, our right.

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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:44 AM
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i know exaclty how you feel.....i'm inlove with this guy i used to bully in middle school.....obviously i can never have him. but it's confusing because he wont stop talking to me.

anyways, your case is different. maybe he is really interested in you? are you good friends and stuff and how do you know each other..?
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 07:53 AM
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IMO I feel like some self acceptance, and building some self confidence would be more important than trying to get with this guy at tha moment, and/or professional help.

IMO.

I'm nothin short
Of a
Circumcised d*** head
--Mr. SandMan--
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2010, 12:26 PM
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It's good that you want to be a better person. Try not to like someone so much if they don't like you back. I know it's hard but try to convince yourself that you will find someone better who respects you. If this guy was the "right one" then he would like you back so keep looking. Do you know him well? If you don't he may just have a good image and not be all he's cracked up to be. A lot of people on SAS tend to idealize others and I think it is quite unhealthy. It takes a long time to get to know somebody and to know if they are worth your time
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