Does anyone else have few memories because of isolation? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Does anyone else have few memories because of isolation?


This is so ****ing depressing to think about. I can't remember much of my time at college because I spent almost all of it ALONE and isolated. I had like 2 friends and zero relationships. OH and I also spent way too much time on the phone and computer. Wasting time and now there's no way of retrieving it.

I have almost no memories of fun. It's sad and disturbing how there is almost nothing to remember from most of my adult life at this point, like it almost didn't happen.

When I was a child and teenager I was pretty normal it seemed, as soon as I left for college at 18 everything socially went to s***.

I just want to go back and not waste all that time but it's impossible. Can anyone relate?
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 06:52 PM
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Yes, I have few to no memories of my grade school years. I had zero friends, no group I belonged to, always struggled to find a partner for projects, and was just remarkably lonely. I wasn't even an outcast, just invisible - I didn't exist. I have lots of memories after 18 though - both great and bad.

More recently, I have no memories during the 4 month period I was unemployed this year due to COVID. It was just endless sleep and staring at a wall.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 10:09 PM
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Yes, I have few to no memories of my grade school years. I had zero friends, no group I belonged to, always struggled to find a partner for projects, and was just remarkably lonely. I wasn't even an outcast, just invisible - I didn't exist. I have lots of memories after 18 though - both great and bad.

More recently, I have no memories during the 4 month period I was unemployed this year due to COVID. It was just endless sleep and staring at a wall.
Yeah, I used to walk around the school alone or find a place that was out of bounds to just sit amongst the trees on my own, then the assistant principal would come along and tell me to move along.

Worst feeling ever knowing you've been in that place, totally invisible and having that sense that any attention or interest someone shows in you is an extreme rarity that is an absolute privilege that could be shattered at any moment.

In saying that though the school genius befriended me, still remember his name NG Ping, or 'Davidson'. Not sure what this guy saw in me as he spent his time in every class scribbling calculus equations on his notebook, but I am grateful for the kindness he showed me and I don't blame him for ending the friendship because I wasn't quite on his level intellectually. We used to play badminton together and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have the interest in mathematics I do now.

Anyway, really sorry you went through the same thing. It is remarkably lonely as you said.


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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2020, 11:31 PM
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When I was a child and teenager I was pretty normal it seemed, as soon as I left for college at 18 everything socially went to s***.

Same deal, except for me this is the past several years. When few of my last remaining friends, one got married, the other moved across the state, and the other kind of went off the deep end mentally.

Most of the new trends and fads in terms of dining out, traveling, socializing, I have been clueless with.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-2020, 12:37 AM
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I thought I was the only one.. I have few memories of certain things in my 20s because maybe they were spent in relative isolation? I'm sure it's also selective memory due to depression but then again, I don't know. I wish I filled those moments up with meaningful things even though at the time, it felt very meaningful to be doing what I was doing, even though it wasn't what I'd prefer my past self to be doing as only deemed by my current self to be ideal. If that makes any sense.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-2020, 11:37 AM
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Yeah, I used to walk around the school alone or find a place that was out of bounds to just sit amongst the trees on my own, then the assistant principal would come along and tell me to move along.

Worst feeling ever knowing you've been in that place, totally invisible and having that sense that any attention or interest someone shows in you is an extreme rarity that is an absolute privilege that could be shattered at any moment.

In saying that though the school genius befriended me, still remember his name NG Ping, or 'Davidson'. Not sure what this guy saw in me as he spent his time in every class scribbling calculus equations on his notebook, but I am grateful for the kindness he showed me and I don't blame him for ending the friendship because I wasn't quite on his level intellectually. We used to play badminton together and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have the interest in mathematics I do now.

Anyway, really sorry you went through the same thing. It is remarkably lonely as you said.
Thanks, sorry you went through that too. It hasn't changed for me in adulthood, but at least it's no longer stressful because no one cares anymore lol.

What's funny is I was always self-conscious of the fact that I had no one to spend recess or lunch break with, and feared being seen as a friendless loser. That reputation had been established for me long ago (both primary and secondary school) - I should have just chilled out and not worried so much about it since that boat already sailed.

The only year I had a "group" was when I dated a semi-popular kid as a sophomore... and once we broke up, so did my companions and I was alone again. That was such a good year and most prominent in my high school memories, which kinda affirms for me that it's other people who helps create meaningful memories that last.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-2020, 11:53 AM
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Not really. I have lots of memories but they're all random and scattered all over the place. I have few good memories that include people because whenever I have had people in my life they tended to be low quality people who were 100% focused on themselves and either saw me as competition, an obstacle or an ugly piece of furniture.

Most of the good memories I have are memories of being blissfully alone and (somehow) able to function that way without the basic necessities of life pressing down on me (as they usually are when you're alone and can't provide for yourself).

For example, sitting by an open window on a perfect night listening to music or just enjoying the silence with a cup of coffee or something is generally far preferable to dealing with a bunch of stupid, selfish, rude people who just want you out of their way. I could not want to be out of the way more if I tried.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-2020, 03:24 PM
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I actually have some really great memories of good times but that's all I got. Have been socially inactive for like 5+ years. Now I just live vicariously through my former self.

Everybody knows you only live a day but it's brilliant anyway
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-2020, 05:24 PM
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My worst memories were made by other people. My best memories were made by myself.
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