When we go to therapy, we get told '' Oh your problem is that you're a perfectionist. You're not going with the flow like everyone else. Everyone else is just going with the flow, and that's why they're able to get along with other people and be happy. ''
But the thing is, the rest of the world is far more perfectionist than we are.
When I was in art uni, a professor of ours was giving us a talk about how we should conduct ourselves in a job interview. She said '' When you enter the room, first extend a greeting. If there is no chair directly in front of the table, but slightly away from the table. Gently grab the chair, and place it in front of the desk. But do not drag it on the floor when doing this! Instead just pick it up and gently place it in front of the desk. Make sure it is not too close to the desk, but not too far either. "
I was hearing all this and I was like '' What?.....What does this have to do with the job itself? It's not a chair positioning job! Why does it matter if the chair is slightly far away or slightly too close!? ''
And I know if you ever ask those questions to anyone, they'll treat you like you're in the wrong and give you the same answer. " Well that's how it is. You have to make a good impression. If someone doesn't take the time to make a good impression, why would they bother with them? ''. Right because deciding the perfect length from the desk to the chair is a good indicator of what kind of a worker you'll be. It's not the work itself which is important, but HOW you do it and whether or not you care about how you're being perceived that's important.
I just don't like this outlook on life where everything is expected to be perfect and anything short of perfect is unacceptable. So what is something is not perfect!!? Why is it so binary.
I don't think this is perfectionism, more social rules. You can make a very good case for an employee needing to conform to social rules, and to social custom. Why? Because they have to fit in with the organisation, the existing procedures, the people there.
What was missed out, in your professor's lecture, was the acknowledgement that yes, this doesn't strictly make sense, and it doesn't strictly apply to the job, but it might have some role in determining the right applicant because if you have someone working there who is constantly challenging tradition, the culture, and so on, he or she will be a massive pain in the arse.
There is also a lack of acknowledgement that yes, the world doesn't operate in the best logical way, not even close. But in order to exist in the world you have to be able to play within the ruleset of the world itself. Its also true, however, that in reality you aren't actually going to lose a job based on something like dragging a chair, though why you would
drag a chair escapes me.
The bull**** and, ill be honest, "customs" around job interviews is reality, and it took me a long time to accept this as well, but you have to be able to accept reality as it is
, and not as you want it to be.
As for perfectionism, learning to do just good enough applies to interviews as well. Be friendly, be social, try to do your best, and eventually someone will employ you. I am literally going through this process now, so yeh. I used to think like you though as it justified my avoidance quite well, but really, it doesn't matter a jot to me if there are nonsensical rules at play, so long as I know what those rules are. It matters not to me how I position a chair, why would it matter?
Its even worse when dating....you're cosntantly being evaluated by the other person.
and you are constantly evaluating them. Or you should be.
Is he too eager ? Is he too desperate? Why is he desperate ? He lacks confidence ? Why doesn't he know what to decide when we go out ?
He did xyz or stammered that must mean he lacks confidence
Dating and job interviews are similar, they both raise up anxiety for me because they both have that element of being judged, but again its, just reality, two people are trying to find someone who is a good match to them, while also trying desperately to avoid rejection and therefore present themselves in the best possible light. In situations of limited information, where there is benefit in deception, you have to play the game.
****ing dumb, tbh, in dating, people should just be themselves from the outset, but it is what it is, and you are left trying to read through the bull****, and using subtle hints to make those decisions.
My advice here, fwiw, is to start judging women who use these kinds of criteria. Make that your
criteria. Ask them how they would rate someone on a date who was anxious, or who was uncertain where to go on a date. Interview them for the traits you
are looking for, which includes the ability to demonstrate compassion for things like nervousness and uncertainty, and to give men a bit of slack. Women who fail here very likely are women who will just be a massive
****ing ballache if you end up in a relationship with them.
This doesn't apply if you just want to get laid, ofc, but there isn't much point in trying to impress a woman who isn't worth impressing, imo.