Do you have a hard time telling people? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Do you have a hard time telling people?


Not to do something or to stop doing something after they have crossed a boundary of yours? Do you freeze up and not say anything? Do you confront the person later on or just hold it in and hold grudges for a long time?

I tend to fall in the category of confronting person later on since sometimes at the time of the situation(boundary has been crossed) I just either freeze up cause i dont know how to respond at the moment maybe due to anxiety or nerves and then confront the person maybe 10 minutes or around that when i start to assess what i want to say.

I learned it is better than not doing anything. One time I confronted a person weeks after and the person said it was weeks ago to which i told him it still was wrong lol heck ill confront a person now for something that was done many months ago. I have an ex friend of mines who I dropped a long time ago and he keeps trying to contact me but I refuse to amswer but if he ever comes arpund my house im gonna confront him about calling me a racial slur one time while we were playing online, thats if he ever comes around. Ive known this guy for a long time and it just caught me off guard as to why he would say this but i was to stunned at the time to say anything.

Im still trying to make it a habit to say something on the spot. Like if someone touches me and i dont like it, i wont say anything cause maybe i feel uncomfortable but i am trying to be more lets say on the spot rather than minutes after.

Like I had this landlord, we lived in the same house and at first we were buddy buddy and when we would watch soccer games he would playfully punch me and i figured he is joking but he did something to piss me off one day and when we were talking and he decided to playfully punch me on the shoulders and i really didnt like it but didnt say anything. Then 20 minutes later, i came back to him and just flat out told him to stop punching me to which he complied.

How about you? How are you at these type of things.


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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 05:50 PM
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Same here - I think I sort of get such a surprise that people are being rude to me that I sort of freeze sometimes. The only people I could ever really argue with were the girls/women in my life. My wife and I would have incredible arguments - at first I used to be devastated - she thought it was funny the look on my face like the relationship was all over, and for her she'd already forgotten about it 10 minutes later.

I've been able to blast some people though - a few idiot psychiatrists I've had to deal with for example. Some of those creatures are so stupid I don't know how they manage to get up and feed themselves in the mornings. I had to let them have it a few times.

It sort of depends how I'm feeling. I definitely know what you're talking about though.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 06:52 PM Thread Starter
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Same here - I think I sort of get such a surprise that people are being rude to me that I sort of freeze sometimes. The only people I could ever really argue with were the girls/women in my life. My wife and I would have incredible arguments - at first I used to be devastated - she thought it was funny the look on my face like the relationship was all over, and for her she'd already forgotten about it 10 minutes later.

I've been able to blast some people though - a few idiot psychiatrists I've had to deal with for example. Some of those creatures are so stupid I don't know how they manage to get up and feed themselves in the mornings. I had to let them have it a few times.

It sort of depends how I'm feeling. I definitely know what you're talking about though.
yeah dealing with family is different, never had a problem arguing/telling them about my grievances. I dont know what it is about me cause sometimes there will be situations where i know exactly what to say but wont pull trigger.

Its not cause the person intimidates me even not remotely close even physically since most of the people that I deal with, if it came down to it, would not hesitate to get into with but even then i wont say anything which Im trying to break the habit of but if I dont, ill do it later on because like I said before its better not doing anything.

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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 07:02 PM
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yeah dealing with family is different, never had a problem arguing/telling them about my grievances. I dont know what it is about me cause sometimes there will be situations where i know exactly what to say but wont pull trigger.

Its not cause the person intimidates me even not remotely close even physically since most of the people that I deal with, if it came down to it, would not hesitate to get into with but even then i wont say anything which Im trying to break the habit of but if I dont, ill do it later on because like I said before its better not doing anything.

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Tbh - with me it's more complicated than that. I've had situations on trams, trains etc - where what I would want to do to the person would end up with me in jail. Anger isn't the word for it with me - it's more pure hatred and rage and I just want them to no longer exist.

I try very hard to avoid situations like that - because I know how I am. Sometimes I wonder where it comes from. Whoever I inherited that **** from I certainly wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, let's put it that way.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 07:05 PM
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I argue with and confront my lovers, but rarely with anyone else. I rather just fade out than get into a fight.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 07:21 PM Thread Starter
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Tbh - with me it's more complicated than that. I've had situations on trams, trains etc - where what I would want to do to the person would end up with me in jail. Anger isn't the word for it with me - it's more pure hatred and rage and I just want them to no longer exist.



I try very hard to avoid situations like that - because I know how I am. Sometimes I wonder where it comes from. Whoever I inherited that **** from I certainly wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, let's put it that way.
hmmmm i forgot to add this as well now that you brought it up, i never had the problem when im out and about, like i am sometimes almost opposite when im out and about per say and sometimes speak freely about my grievances with the person when it comes to a stranger like if they decide to touch me disrespectfully i would quickly tell em what I need them to do to respect my boundaries.

For example, I was walking back to my car one day and this guy parked really close and he didnt have to mention anything cause I didnt really notice he was close parking but said to me as he was getting out of his car that i need not worry that he didnt scratch my car and i reacted by saying to tell em to hold up and i inspected my car and was preventing him from going anywhere cause i did a motion gesture with my hands like he better not go anywhere. Boss **** basically lol.

Sometimes it gets me in trouble cause one time I got in a road rage incident after telling this one idiot of his idiotic driving mistakes to which he reacted by getting racial, trying to run me off the road and also hitting my side mirror with his hand. Now, this was one time where I can clearly say I was intimidated to return the same or more amount of disrespect back because after I got a clear look at the dude, he had criminal written all over him.

Tattoos on his head, bald, and using a lot of racial insults im thinking if I chase thia guy, I had a bat in my car not that i was going to use it, but had I chased him and decided to return the same or more amount of ****ery, i assume the guy is probably packing as well and here I am with just a bat so I took the L and thought its better to let this low life get away with it the f****er.

Or the other day, I was at BJs and since we are in Covid times, we all were in one line and an employee guiding customers to where to go and when I was up, he pointed me to the non self checkout line where there were like 30 people there(exaggerating lol) while a selfcheck out was already opening up so I started to walk to the 30 people line then stopped immediately after seeing the amount of people, snapped at him and told him that I was going to self checkout line and said that there were 30 people at the line lmao.

Basically, i feel. i have no problem being assertive or sometimes be an A hole when it comes to being out and about.

But its mostly in situations like in the workplace, places where ill be around people that I will probably see more than one day, or with friends that arent part of my actual family. This is where I need work at.

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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 07:32 PM
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hmmmm i forgot to add this as well now that you brought it up, i never had the problem when im out and about, like i am sometimes almost opposite when im out and about per say and sometimes speak freely about my grievances with the person when it comes to a stranger like if they decide to touch me disrespectfully i would quickly tell em what I need them to do to respect my boundaries.

For example, I was walking back to my car one day and this guy parked really close and he didnt have to mention anything cause I didnt really notice he was close parking but said to me as he was getting out of his car that i need not worry that he didnt scratch my car and i reacted by saying to tell em to hold up and i inspected my car and was preventing him from going anywhere cause i did a motion gesture with my hands like he better not go anywhere. Boss **** basically lol.

Sometimes it gets me in trouble cause one time I got in a road rage incident after telling this one idiot of his idiotic driving mistakes to which he reacted by getting racial, trying to run me off the road and also hitting my side mirror with his hand. Now, this was one time where I can clearly say I was intimidated to return the same or more amount of disrespect back because after I got a clear look at the dude, he had criminal written all over him.

Tattoos on his head, bald, and using a lot of racial insults im thinking if I chase thia guy, I had a bat in my car not that i was going to use it, but had I chased him and decided to return the same or more amount of ****ery, i assume the guy is probably packing as well and here I am with just a bat so I took the L and thought its better to let this low life get away with it the f****er.

Or the other day, I was at BJs and since we are in Covid times, we all were in one line and an employee guiding customers to where to go and when I was up, he pointed me to the non self checkout line where there were like 30 people there(exaggerating lol) while a selfcheck out was already opening up so I started to walk to the 30 people line then stopped immediately after seeing the amount of people, snapped at him and told him that I was going to self checkout line and said that there were 30 people at the line lmao.

But its mostly in situations like in the workplace, around people that I will probably see more than one day, or with friends that arent part of my actual family. This is where I need work at.

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I remember talking to you in the past about this I think.

I don't know where the rage comes from with me. I know it gets much worse when I'm getting manic, I get very irritable - but I think it also stems from some deep-seated insecurity on my part. That would seem to be fairly obvious I would think.

I dislike violence intensely - but I do have this terrible temper and I wish terrible things on some people. But it's strange, if I actually see someone being hurt for example - even someone that probably deserved it - I feel sorry for them and want it to stop.

Unless we're literally defending ourselves I think we should always avoid violence. It's awful.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 07:56 PM Thread Starter
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I remember talking to you in the past about this I think.



I don't know where the rage comes from with me. I know it gets much worse when I'm getting manic, I get very irritable - but I think it also stems from some deep-seated insecurity on my part. That would seem to be fairly obvious I would think.



I dislike violence intensely - but I do have this terrible temper and I wish terrible things on some people. But it's strange, if I actually see someone being hurt for example - even someone that probably deserved it - I feel sorry for them and want it to stop.



Unless we're literally defending ourselves I think we should always avoid violence. It's awful.
yeah. Violence for the most part is always better avoided. Had I chased that guy and decided to run him off the road as well I might not be alive today who knows. Maybe of the guy looked like an accountant or something I might have lmao. Thank god at my worst points of my life wherey anger was at its highest I didnt do anything to drastic like beat up somebody and send them to a hospital while I get sent to prison.

But to get back to the topic, what is it that prevents us from speaking up in certain situations, I think with me, its part of my upbringing maybe and also ethnicity plays a part.

I think being of an ethnicity where I am a minority even in an area of "minorities" has caused me to be grow up always being timid. I was bullied horribly, verbally for the most part, not physically, and I dont remember standing up for myself a lot and I was very quiet as well so now as I get older and find myself in these situations, these old habits stay which is why I think I have a hard time responding bacl the way I want to.

Also I have to tell myself that I have a right to speak up about my complaints and grievances because I learned that whenever you confront people, even if you are right or even if you are actually wrong, the other person will ALWAYS respond with or even act like you are in the wrong so to all users who are reading this, whenever you confront a person, stand ground and on your beliefs and grievances because this will always be the case for the most part.

I wrote about one time when I confronted a higher up about issues i had with them and they flat out denied everything, i mean everything, he could had hit me with a rock in the head a few days before and i would bring it up and he would have flat out denied that too lol but i stood my ground and sat on my grievances and let me tell you, it was stressful cause i was confronting not just a coworker but an effing higher up who i felt was targetting me and treating me unfairly so this was a situation of undiscovered grounds.

I might as well have confronted the CEO lol. I also had a confrontation with another coworker which I. had no problem doing but i could not believe i actually did this and guess what people, i came out on top and with respect. Guy makes sure to treat me with respect now.

This was when I started to gain a ton of confidence in myself and knew what I believed was right and no matter what, if i had an issue with someone overstepling my boundaries that I would speak up and tell them even if its not right away and stand on them cause the other person will always tell you that they didnt do s*** to you.

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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:03 PM Thread Starter
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I argue with and confront my lovers, but rarely with anyone else. I rather just fade out than get into a fight.
so you would accept someone crossing your boundaries daily to the point where its crossing lines towards bullying?

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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:13 PM
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so you would accept someone crossing your boundaries daily to the point where its crossing lines towards bullying?

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I never said that - and I have no patience for it.

I would leave. The key is to not let yourself become emotionally or financially captive to the point where you can't leave.

Sometimes I also just befriend the bully, which is what I did with a harassing/mean coworker at my last job.
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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I never said that - and I have no patience for it.

I would leave. The key is to not let yourself become emotionally or financially captive to the point where you can't leave.
so what about say in the workplace where a coworker crosses a boundary and they do it every chance they interact with you cause you havent said anything, so everytime you would just leave?

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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:26 PM
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yeah. Violence for the most part is always better avoided. Had I chased that guy and decided to run him off the road as well I might not be alive today who knows. Maybe of the guy looked like an accountant or something I might have lmao. Thank god at my worst points of my life wherey anger was at its highest I didnt do anything to drastic like beat up somebody and send them to a hospital while I get sent to prison.

But to get back to the topic, what is it that prevents us from speaking up in certain situations, I think with me, its part of my upbringing maybe and also ethnicity plays a part.

I think being of an ethnicity where I am a minority even in an area of "minorities" has caused me to be grow up always being timid. I was bullied horribly, verbally for the most part, not physically, and I dont remember standing up for myself a lot and I was very quiet as well so now as I get older and find myself in these situations, these old habits stay which is why I think I have a hard time responding bacl the way I want to.

Also I have to tell myself that I have a right to speak up about my complaints and grievances because I learned that whenever you confront people, even if you are right or even if you are actually wrong, the other person will ALWAYS respond with or even act like you are in the wrong so to all users who are reading this, whenever you confront a person, stand ground and on your beliefs and grievances because this will always be the case for the most part.

I wrote about one time when I confronted a higher up about issues i had with them and they flat out denied everything, i mean everything, he could had hit me with a rock in the head a few days before and i would bring it up and he would have flat out denied that too lol but i stood my ground and sat on my grievances and let me tell you, it was stressful cause i was confronting not just a coworker but an effing higher up who i felt was targetting me and treating me unfairly so this was a situation of undiscovered grounds.

I might as well have confronted the CEO lol. I also had a confrontation with another coworker which I. had no problem doing but i could not believe i actually did this and guess what people, i came out on top and with respect. Guy makes sure to treat me with respect now.

This was when I started to gain a ton of confidence in myself and knew what I believed was right and no matter what, if i had an issue with someone overstepling my boundaries that I would speak up and tell them even if its not right away and stand on them cause the other person will always tell you that they didnt do s*** to you.

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I can't speak for anyone else but with me I'd say it's almost certainly insecurity. Having the confidence to be assertive or to disagree when necessary. Maybe not wanting to cause offence, that too.

I was never really bullied at all - although my best friend when we were younger was the dominant one in the friendship. He was more confident and a bit older - sort of like an older brother, and just as annoying sometimes.

Part of it I think is being the way we are too - having this anxiety at such a level. It makes us hyper-sensitive to any criticism - both perceived or otherwise. We overthink everything and often interpret what someone says as offensive when it probably isn't necessarily intended that way. And then if someone does intend offence we overreact - because we lack the ability to talk or "argue" reasonably. I'd say that's what it is with me anyway.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:32 PM
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so what about say in the workplace where a coworker crosses a boundary and they do it every chance they interact with you cause you havent said anything, so everytime you would just leave?

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No one's obsessed enough with me to do that

Who has the energy to harass anyone these days? We all just trying to survive our days.

Seriously though it depends on context. If I genuinely believe my inner work circle doesn't like me or want to work with me, then yes, I would leave. I've worked at 9 different companies in the past 6 years FYI (for different reasons).
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
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No one's obsessed enough with me to do that



Who has the energy to harass anyone these days? We all just trying to survive our days.



Seriously though it depends on context. If I genuinely believe my inner work circle doesn't like me or want to work with me, then yes, I would leave. I've worked at 9 different companies in the past 6 years FYI (for different reasons).
one of my supervisors/coworker, thats who had enough energy to harrass me these days and i had to do something about it. Im not sure i could just leave. Its too much work finding a job and everything and leaving just because people are being an a** to me is something i dont. think i could accept. I will most likely end up confronting people like that.

Thank god I havent experienced this situation as well and most likely has been one on one stand point cause if an entire group decided to make me leave my job, or be the cause, I would let every one of them know before I left that I knew where they worked lol. This actually did kinda happen although really it was ine guy i had issies with but that was a case of my father having a close relationship with the employer and decided it was better off just leaving and forgetting about idiots because had i acted on it, would probably strain the relationship between my dad and that employer so yeah i do have some self control

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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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No one's obsessed enough with me to do that



Who has the energy to harass anyone these days? We all just trying to survive our days.



Seriously though it depends on context. If I genuinely believe my inner work circle doesn't like me or want to work with me, then yes, I would leave. I've worked at 9 different companies in the past 6 years FYI (for different reasons).
Would you mind sharing why you left these companies if you dont mind me asking?

One time I left a fast food gig, well really I just exploded on a coworker cause this person kept trying to bully me and I ended up confronting them and quit cause I got so heated and pissed.

Looking back on this situation, my best choice of action probably would just have been bringing it up with the manager that this person was purposely harrassing and bullying me and asking to schedule me to work with other members.

I tried many things. I confronted this person. Didnt stop them. Heck I even bullied this person back but it just escalated the situation and got more resistance. I really liked that job too. Was on my way on becoming a manager lol.

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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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I can't speak for anyone else but with me I'd say it's almost certainly insecurity. Having the confidence to be assertive or to disagree when necessary. Maybe not wanting to cause offence, that too.



I was never really bullied at all - although my best friend when we were younger was the dominant one in the friendship. He was more confident and a bit older - sort of like an older brother, and just as annoying sometimes.



Part of it I think is being the way we are too - having this anxiety at such a level. It makes us hyper-sensitive to any criticism - both perceived or otherwise. We overthink everything and often interpret what someone says as offensive when it probably isn't necessarily intended that way. And then if someone does intend offence we overreact - because we lack the ability to talk or "argue" reasonably. I'd say that's what it is with me anyway.
I think thats part of it with me with not wanting cause offence and confronting or just being assertive would cause that. Something im trying to reprogram out of myself. Putting my complaints/needs in front of people first instead of the other way around.

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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-13-2020, 10:03 PM
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I canít really argue without getting emotional and vulgar so I try to avoid it.
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