Haven't seen you in a while. Glad you're still in one piece, at least.
I'm … good and bad. I have a therapist now, and I've started coming out a bit more. So that's good. But my life is a dumpster fire.
Anything you can do to get closer to your ideal is going to make you feel better. And that includes how you think
. If you want to be pretty, and you think right now that it might be wrong to want to be pretty, you will feel better (even if only a little bit) if you can convince yourself that it's not wrong. Then your thinking will support your preference and you won't be torn between wanting something but feeling it's wrong to want it.
"I want to be pretty." + "It's wrong to want to be pretty." = bad feeling
"I want to be pretty." + "It's perfectly fine to feel that way." = good feeling
You want your desire to be pretty to be okay and it is
Acting on our real
preferences feels good
. It's what makes us happy. Acting contrary to our real preferences feels bad
. If you are always acting contrary to your actual preferences, you will feel awful all the time. That's why transgender people are generally miserable until they come out and start acting on their actual preferences. (Acting contrary to real preferences: gender dysphoria; acting on real preferences: gender euphoria.) It's why so many have a secret life before they come out. Even if they can only act on some of their preferences in private, it's still better than never acting on them at all; it's healthy
. (Even my therapist says so!) It's only our (sick) culture that makes it seem unhealthy.
You have no control over what you want. (At least, I've never met anyone who can control their preferences!) You will never be happy if you always do what other people want instead of what you want. If nothing else, even if you can't express yourself at the moment, at least know that your desires are valid.