Do you feel its okay for a guy to want to be pretty? ;-; - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Do you feel its okay for a guy to want to be pretty? ;-;


Wear like make up and dresses/skirts etc?

I often wish I was cute but there is so many roadblocks and no acceptance. Besides that I don't think I can reach goals that I have in wanting to be cute.
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 01:00 PM
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Absolutely

(a lot of people won't agree but you should do what makes you happy.)

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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 04:50 PM
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In short wanting to be girl... Had that kind of thing for some time...

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
I'll put drunk raccoon in my signature as well, because I CAN...
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 04:58 PM
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Of course! I think everyone deserves to be true to themselves.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 05:55 PM
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I tried once to dress like a female because I wanted to understand what it felt like to be beautiful and loved the way I love them (and see whether it felt good or bad to be them with me loving them), so I tried on a little dress that I bought for someone who "left me" (can't think of a better word) before I actually gave it to her.

It kind of barely fit my small frame, but I looked and felt really bad in it because of my muscular build and masculine face. I was disappointed that I'll never get to understand the world from that point of view and know what I keep doing wrong.

But I think identity wise I'm happy just having some "pretty" features for a guy, but still being able to scare people off with how hard I can look at the same time. And I feel far more comfortable in my baggy men's clothing or a business suit.

My problem understanding and treating the ones I love the way they want is likely more with my heart. I think it must be dried up and withered from the way I grew up.

I did get rid of the dress soon after, so I'm not as creepy as I probably make myself sound.

Maybe some day I can transfer my consciousness into a female body that I'm attracted to for a couple days (with their consent), then back into mine. Then maybe I will finally understand how to "hack" their hearts without messing up and crashing both our systems in the process. Or just simply how to show them real love, or to at least know what that means to them.

Sorry if I hijacked this thread. It felt more relevant than it came out as.
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 06:02 PM
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Me & my sister closest in age are very alike, I dare say I would be prettier.






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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 08:52 PM
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Yes, absolutely!

wb

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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 12:43 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShotInTheDark View Post
In short wanting to be girl... Had that kind of thing for some time...
I sometimes want to be a girl too.

What do you do to calm yourself , when those feelings come up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by truant View Post
Yes, absolutely!

wb
Hey , how are you?

I've been on this site for a long time but haven't been on as much as I use to.

Unfortunately for me haven't made much progress to being happy but i still wish for it. ;-;

Anyway , thanks for the kind words.
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 10:25 AM
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Hey , how are you?

I've been on this site for a long time but haven't been on as much as I use to.

Unfortunately for me haven't made much progress to being happy but i still wish for it. ;-;

Anyway , thanks for the kind words.
Haven't seen you in a while. Glad you're still in one piece, at least.

I'm … good and bad. I have a therapist now, and I've started coming out a bit more. So that's good. But my life is a dumpster fire.

Anything you can do to get closer to your ideal is going to make you feel better. And that includes how you think. If you want to be pretty, and you think right now that it might be wrong to want to be pretty, you will feel better (even if only a little bit) if you can convince yourself that it's not wrong. Then your thinking will support your preference and you won't be torn between wanting something but feeling it's wrong to want it.

"I want to be pretty." + "It's wrong to want to be pretty." = bad feeling
"I want to be pretty." + "It's perfectly fine to feel that way." = good feeling

You want your desire to be pretty to be okay and it is okay!

Acting on our real preferences feels good. It's what makes us happy. Acting contrary to our real preferences feels bad. If you are always acting contrary to your actual preferences, you will feel awful all the time. That's why transgender people are generally miserable until they come out and start acting on their actual preferences. (Acting contrary to real preferences: gender dysphoria; acting on real preferences: gender euphoria.) It's why so many have a secret life before they come out. Even if they can only act on some of their preferences in private, it's still better than never acting on them at all; it's healthy. (Even my therapist says so!) It's only our (sick) culture that makes it seem unhealthy.

You have no control over what you want. (At least, I've never met anyone who can control their preferences!) You will never be happy if you always do what other people want instead of what you want. If nothing else, even if you can't express yourself at the moment, at least know that your desires are valid.

I love Society. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what Society should be.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Haven't seen you in a while. Glad you're still in one piece, at least.

I'm … good and bad. I have a therapist now, and I've started coming out a bit more. So that's good. But my life is a dumpster fire.

Anything you can do to get closer to your ideal is going to make you feel better. And that includes how you think. If you want to be pretty, and you think right now that it might be wrong to want to be pretty, you will feel better (even if only a little bit) if you can convince yourself that it's not wrong. Then your thinking will support your preference and you won't be torn between wanting something but feeling it's wrong to want it.

"I want to be pretty." + "It's wrong to want to be pretty." = bad feeling
"I want to be pretty." + "It's perfectly fine to feel that way." = good feeling

You want your desire to be pretty to be okay and it is okay!

Acting on our real preferences feels good. It's what makes us happy. Acting contrary to our real preferences feels bad. If you are always acting contrary to your actual preferences, you will feel awful all the time. That's why transgender people are generally miserable until they come out and start acting on their actual preferences. (Acting contrary to real preferences: gender dysphoria; acting on real preferences: gender euphoria.) It's why so many have a secret life before they come out. Even if they can only act on some of their preferences in private, it's still better than never acting on them at all; it's healthy. (Even my therapist says so!) It's only our (sick) culture that makes it seem unhealthy.

You have no control over what you want. (At least, I've never met anyone who can control their preferences!) You will never be happy if you always do what other people want instead of what you want. If nothing else, even if you can't express yourself at the moment, at least know that your desires are valid.
Im glad that you are taking steps forward. My life is dumpster fire too but more like im in dumpster and everything around it is on fire.


Its been unfortunate for me that I am not in condition to be on my own and thats pretty much why there hasnt been escaping my family.

I've had my feelings even since being small kid then getting in trouble for it as teenager. Hearing the words of my family often , they are much worse than the people who punished me as teenager.

I understand validating yourself in believing but I dont really wish to wait another 20 ish years before I am able to do anything. Sometimes i just want to be all cute but like cant even do that. ;-;

Imma end up balding and grey hair , with stress that I have. Pretty sure its happening already though.

I'll try to hang in there and believe. ;-;
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 01:54 PM
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Haven't seen you in a while. Glad you're still in one piece, at least. :-)

I'm … good and bad. I have a therapist now, and I've started coming out a bit more. So that's good. But my life is a dumpster fire.

Anything you can do to get closer to your ideal is going to make you feel better. And that includes how you think. If you want to be pretty, and you think right now that it might be wrong to want to be pretty, you will feel better (even if only a little bit) if you can convince yourself that it's not wrong. Then your thinking will support your preference and you won't be torn between wanting something but feeling it's wrong to want it.

"I want to be pretty." + "It's wrong to want to be pretty." = bad feeling
"I want to be pretty." + "It's perfectly fine to feel that way." = good feeling

You want your desire to be pretty to be okay and it is okay!

Acting on our real preferences feels good. It's what makes us happy. Acting contrary to our real preferences feels bad. If you are always acting contrary to your actual preferences, you will feel awful all the time. That's why transgender people are generally miserable until they come out and start acting on their actual preferences. (Acting contrary to real preferences: gender dysphoria; acting on real preferences: gender euphoria.) It's why so many have a secret life before they come out. Even if they can only act on some of their preferences in private, it's still better than never acting on them at all; it's healthy. (Even my therapist says so!) It's only our (sick) culture that makes it seem unhealthy.

You have no control over what you want. (At least, I've never met anyone who can control their preferences!) You will never be happy if you always do what other people want instead of what you want. If nothing else, even if you can't express yourself at the moment, at least know that your desires are valid.
Im glad that you are taking steps forward. My life is dumpster fire too but more like im in dumpster and everything around it is on fire.


Its been unfortunate for me that I am not in condition to be on my own and thats pretty much why there hasnt been escaping my family.

I've had my feelings even since being small kid then getting in trouble for it as teenager. Hearing the words of my family often , they are much worse than the people who punished me as teenager.

I understand validating yourself in believing but I dont really wish to wait another 20 ish years before I am able to do anything. Sometimes i just want to be all cute but like cant even do that. ;-;

Imma end up balding and grey hair , with stress that I have. Pretty sure its happening already though.

I'll try to hang in there and believe. ;-;
We are on the verge of a new age of genetic engineering. Why wouldn't someone be able to figure out how to change sex at the genetic level or even slow down/reverse the age clock in their DNA?

Just things I hope to see in my lifetime too. 🙂
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 02:37 PM
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If you want to avoid masculinising further you could start self medicating estrogen. It's possible that nobody will notice if you don't change your expression since I know someone who does that. It's also not generally illegal in most countries to do that like it is with testosterone in the other direction (which is why someone started doing something with testosterone and plants but I can't remember the details and it's off topic..) If you do though you should do a lot of research first.

Lucy's bitten
Neck is bleeding bad
The teeth have long departed
Yet the desire burns strong
On in desire for destruction
One on which she'll depend
One that ceases to deepen
Too near bitter end


Black through the mountains
She turns her loosening ring
Guardian angel sings
"I think you've lost your wings, but you're still yours
You're still yours, you're still yours"

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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 02:50 PM
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Quote:
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Im glad that you are taking steps forward. My life is dumpster fire too but more like im in dumpster and everything around it is on fire.


Its been unfortunate for me that I am not in condition to be on my own and thats pretty much why there hasnt been escaping my family.

I've had my feelings even since being small kid then getting in trouble for it as teenager. Hearing the words of my family often , they are much worse than the people who punished me as teenager.

I understand validating yourself in believing but I dont really wish to wait another 20 ish years before I am able to do anything. Sometimes i just want to be all cute but like cant even do that. ;-;

Imma end up balding and grey hair , with stress that I have. Pretty sure its happening already though.

I'll try to hang in there and believe. ;-;
It must be incredibly hard to have to live with unsupportive family. I don't remember, do you have a therapist? Even having a therapist affirm your identity would help. You have to reject the negative opinions of your family. You have a right to be yourself, and to feel good about yourself.

I think you're a lot younger than I am. I'm already old and bald and ugly and non-passing; the worst has already happened to me. But I'm still happier now than I was when I was in the closet. You still have time. Hormones can reverse some amount of balding, if your hairline is receding. There's dye for hair. And for all you know, they'll be able to regrow hair in 20 years. There is reason for you to hope, even if it seems hopeless right now. Medical transition methods are improving, and so is social acceptance.

You just need to get away from that toxic family environment somehow and find people who will support you.

I love Society. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what Society should be.
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 03:46 PM
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i'll allow it

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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 01:07 AM
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I don't have a problem with it - not that it really matters what I think about it obviously. Seems to be a lot more accepted nowadays, when I walk through the department stores in town there's often a few guys with a full face of make-up working in the cosmetic section and no-one even seems to notice anymore. It doesn't seem to be a big deal nowadays.
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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 01:42 AM
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One should do whatever makes one happy. It's when forcing others to go along with your ideas is when it becomes an issue.

Not neccesarily applicable with dress ups but with gender pronouns and so forth, and also the demanding of respect from people you don't even know.. Had that happen to me on both accounts.

No, I don't have to believe that there is any scientific or biological basis in virtually all neo-Marxist ideas. And I also don't owe you any respect for any reason whatsoever. It's not an entitlement. You earn it from people over time. Also, while we're at it, just let kids be kids..

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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
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It must be incredibly hard to have to live with unsupportive family. I don't remember, do you have a therapist? Even having a therapist affirm your identity would help. You have to reject the negative opinions of your family. You have a right to be yourself, and to feel good about yourself.

I think you're a lot younger than I am. I'm already old and bald and ugly and non-passing; the worst has already happened to me. But I'm still happier now than I was when I was in the closet. You still have time. Hormones can reverse some amount of balding, if your hairline is receding. There's dye for hair. And for all you know, they'll be able to regrow hair in 20 years. There is reason for you to hope, even if it seems hopeless right now. Medical transition methods are improving, and so is social acceptance.

You just need to get away from that toxic family environment somehow and find people who will support you.

I only have a psychiatrist right now who just gives me bunch of depression meds. I don't currently have therapist but I don't think I could enjoy benefits of one. My family will ironclaw their way into knowing whats going on and expect me to sign paper to disclose everything that goes on. Fighting them is useless so i just go along with things. I want one but I cant do anything if they disclose things about my identity or if my family tries to be present for every meeting to monitor things that I say. I don't have any privacy what so ever.

I wish I had friends or supportive people but I only know hateful people.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 07:59 PM
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I only have a psychiatrist right now who just gives me bunch of depression meds. I don't currently have therapist but I don't think I could enjoy benefits of one. My family will ironclaw their way into knowing whats going on and expect me to sign paper to disclose everything that goes on. Fighting them is useless so i just go along with things. I want one but I cant do anything if they disclose things about my identity or if my family tries to be present for every meeting to monitor things that I say. I don't have any privacy what so ever.

I wish I had friends or supportive people but I only know hateful people.
There isn't any way to get a therapist without them knowing, is there? Like, by pretending that you're doing something else when you go to your therapy sessions. If you explain the situation to your psychiatrist, they might be able to recommend someone who can help. I'm not sure where you are, but around here therapists can't disclose that kind of information, and you can't be forced to sign a paper like that. Sometimes you have to lie for your own protection.

If your problem is gender dysphoria, then treating the depression is mostly treating the symptom, not the problem. Being trans has given me something like a combination depression/SAD/PTSD/BDD that would kick the **** out of almost anyone. And that's not unusual for trans people. Your mental health is a medical issue and you need better medical care.

I don't know anyone IRL who can actively support me in my transition, by going places with me, etc., so I'm on my own, too. But at least my family isn't standing in my way. I'd let you stay here if I could.

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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 09:32 PM
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I sometimes want to be a girl too.

What do you do to calm yourself , when those feelings come up?
Those feeling aren't that hard, I can just ignore them, realizing that being girl doesn't make anything better, except of having different problems... I may not have some of those problems that I have now, but I would have other ones... Even though sometimes I wish that I was at least born with different gender, but I have to get over it and accept that fact that I'm a boy, I can't change it where I live and that's probably for good. In the end there's no better way... Every gender has it's pros and cons... And probably no one getting changed into different gender wouldn't solve anything. Like it's said "grass always looks more green in neighborhood".

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 10:37 PM Thread Starter
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There isn't any way to get a therapist without them knowing, is there? Like, by pretending that you're doing something else when you go to your therapy sessions. If you explain the situation to your psychiatrist, they might be able to recommend someone who can help. I'm not sure where you are, but around here therapists can't disclose that kind of information, and you can't be forced to sign a paper like that. Sometimes you have to lie for your own protection.

If your problem is gender dysphoria, then treating the depression is mostly treating the symptom, not the problem. Being trans has given me something like a combination depression/SAD/PTSD/BDD that would kick the **** out of almost anyone. And that's not unusual for trans people. Your mental health is a medical issue and you need better medical care.

I don't know anyone IRL who can actively support me in my transition, by going places with me, etc., so I'm on my own, too. But at least my family isn't standing in my way. I'd let you stay here if I could.

I can't leave the house on my own as they control where I am and they would go along everywhere by force. My psychiatrist has my parents phone number and calls them to reiterate everything going on with me. The place doesn't accept insurance that I have for therapy there , if it did they would just talk to parents automatically with my signed permission. I wish that I could talk to someone guilt free and not have someone over my shoulders but I have zero privacy and space. Even online therapy would be a hassle as they would be around to listen to everything that I say. There is no way that I can talk to my family as they have their mind made up in any conversation and situation. I wish I could get it without them trying to helicopter over me. I dunno what I could do towards them other then act rebellious but that will just making living situation more terrible. I am better off keeping my mouth shut.

I dislike my body but more so in a way that I want to present feminine/androgynous and be seen as such , I am not fond of being masculine in appearance and the way that I have to dress. I don't like face that I have and like other features. It hurts a lot to not be able to express myself in anyway and I feel pretty crummy right now and worried often how I will deal with it.


I appreciate your kind words as always.
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