It does depend on a lot of factors of how narcs are brought up or not brought up. My siblings and I, I think we molded ourselves to be opposite of our mom due to our people pleasing tendencies we adopt from having to do so to her narcissism. As we got older, we grew repugnant and realize her abuse, so we molded ourselves as well to be opposite of her. Though my brother despite being a people pleaser to others, he does display a degree narc traits to family members, especially to me. My social anxiety growing up I think also might've blocked me a great deal in becoming a narc.
Always makes me wonder whether my grandma was abusive to my mom too growing up. Her story to us about grandma has always been how grandma treats her very well, is very affectionate and they are very close. But then, if that's the case, there is no way in hell that will mold my mom's personality to what it is today. I always think my mom might be having repressed illusions. Or also the other way around, where my mom is abusive of grandma, which will meant she was just born a narc. Because the interactions between her and grandma when I was a kid, I just always my mom bossing grandma around.
I think my mother has very strong narcissistic traits. I also am a people pleaser, sortof.
The conclusion I came to was that not so much I purposefully chose to become the opposite of my mum, but she created
someone who will become, effectively a "**** recepticle" for her to offload all of her guild, and blame. I was sculpted, to effectively tolerate other peoples bad behaviour, and think its me at fault
It's what makes me vulnerable to other narcissists and those who are willing to place me in that role again.
Undoing this, being able to maintain enough self esteem and self worth, and self compassion to have the strength to believe in myself, is incredibly hard.
But its important that over the last few months I have met some truly lovely
people who have tried to help me, and havent just abused my nature. Natalie, Ben, Kamila, Catronia all from within services here in the UK have treated me with great kindness and have gone out of their way to help me.
Probably not healthy that I live with the demented self-torment of suspicions and questions that I feel like they can be neither confirmed or denied lol. Anyway, thanks to everyone who replied to this thread, it's been helpful.
[Edit: public service announcement to everyone on this forum who is way too ****ing hard on themselves--love yourself, you're alright as you are]
I am constantly involved in a similar battle, for what its worth. Its the twisted part of people making us this way, not only are we not
the abusers and have been abused, but we believe we are the ones at fault, and have to deal with that internal battle on top of whatever was done to us. Fwiw, I don't think you are a narcissist, and like me, you seem to be trying your best to improve yourself in the areas where you might be at fault. Believe me, this isn't what narcissists do, they aren't ever
at fault, they don't spend time trying to fix themselves.
And I agree, people here are way too hard on themselves.