Even though I have abysmal self-esteem and struggle to love myself in any capacity, I still worry that I'm a narcissist. Partly because of the sheer amount of time I've spent with myself my whole life.
What if I'm someone who is innately toxic and manipulative, but I'm not self aware of it? What if I'm harming people? I think I have some schizoid-like tendencies where I feel like I don't have the emotional capacity care about a lot of things and that sometimes that scares me. At other times I feel like I care too much about everything and reach a state of perpetual emotional burnout.
This year, I've tried really hard to try and love and appreciate myself. Not to try and be great or successful, but just to love myself. To see myself as an interesting person, and to try and see everyone else in that same capacity too. I'm never going to be socially gifted though, and I think because I'm so quiet people view me with suspicion. I think, if I'm honest I've spent my life thinking that I'm by default uninteresting and that everyone else is uninteresting too (I believed in essence that, other people do not care about me therefore I have no obligation to care about them). I think I've gotten tired of not really being anything to anyone, and this year I'm trying to find ways outside of myself while at the same time trying to find some wonder in other people--that are not me. I think because of the sheer amount of time I've spent alone, I've gotten to know myself pretty well. I don't like a lot of what I see.
I'm trying to pay attention to my friends and my family, learn more about them. I'm trying to be more aware of the things I believe, why I believe them, and if I have any justification to believe them. But I think there are parts of me that really are toxic, and I'm trying to fix them and I don't know if I can. And this makes me not really want to be anyone at all and give up completely. I don't really know when to stop with the whole self-analysis thing, and sometimes I feel like I end up destroying myself in the process of trying to be better (and what I mean by better is essentially seeing myself and everyone in a way that dignifies them). All I know is, is I think love (genuine compassion) is what makes the world better. I struggle to see myself redemptively, and question whether or not I've loved a single person my entire life. That, in and of itself, makes me feel contempt for myself.