Do you ever worry you might be a narcissist?
 

Even though I have abysmal self-esteem and struggle to love myself in any capacity, I still worry that I'm a narcissist. Partly because of the sheer amount of time I've spent with myself my whole life.
What if I'm someone who is innately toxic and manipulative, but I'm not self aware of it? What if I'm harming people? I think I have some schizoid-like tendencies where I feel like I don't have the emotional capacity care about a lot of things and that sometimes that scares me. At other times I feel like I care too much about everything and reach a state of perpetual emotional burnout.

This year, I've tried really hard to try and love and appreciate myself. Not to try and be great or successful, but just to love myself. To see myself as an interesting person, and to try and see everyone else in that same capacity too. I'm never going to be socially gifted though, and I think because I'm so quiet people view me with suspicion. I think, if I'm honest I've spent my life thinking that I'm by default uninteresting and that everyone else is uninteresting too (I believed in essence that, other people do not care about me therefore I have no obligation to care about them). I think I've gotten tired of not really being anything to anyone, and this year I'm trying to find ways outside of myself while at the same time trying to find some wonder in other people--that are not me. I think because of the sheer amount of time I've spent alone, I've gotten to know myself pretty well. I don't like a lot of what I see.

I'm trying to pay attention to my friends and my family, learn more about them. I'm trying to be more aware of the things I believe, why I believe them, and if I have any justification to believe them. But I think there are parts of me that really are toxic, and I'm trying to fix them and I don't know if I can. And this makes me not really want to be anyone at all and give up completely. I don't really know when to stop with the whole self-analysis thing, and sometimes I feel like I end up destroying myself in the process of trying to be better (and what I mean by better is essentially seeing myself and everyone in a way that dignifies them). All I know is, is I think love (genuine compassion) is what makes the world better. I struggle to see myself redemptively, and question whether or not I've loved a single person my entire life. That, in and of itself, makes me feel contempt for myself.

https://i.postimg.cc/vgx5xGX2/5b7a9f21aab29.jpg

I have schizoid, narcissistic and antisocial traits among others.

Not really, because I don't have much confidence in myself and I hate being the center of attention for any reason. I'm not narcissistic, just self-centered.

But I also think it's more harmful than helpful to try and change yourself to suit everyone else's needs. What other people think of you is THEIR problem.

No I don't worry about that. Although a psychiatrist once did diagnose me as one when I first went into hospital. I was in the midst of a very grandiose, manic episode at the the time though and hadn't yet been diagnosed as bipolar - so I see how she could think that. I was raving at the time and she was frantically trying to write everything down in her notes. Pretty worrying she wrote all that down actually.

When you're manic often you feel almost God-like - it's ridiculous.

Do you ever worry you might be a narcissist?
 

I wonder that too, more with time. Also because I fantasize a lot instead of trying to socialize with people. Maybe that could explain why people tend to not like me no matter what I do. Maybe I’m bad/ manipulative and not aware of it but others are.

There isn't a name for the type of personality disorder I have. Which, ironically, sounds a little narcissistic.

I had something similar happen except they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I think it was mostly just drug fueled mania because none of it fits me. Probably did at the time though. Was also diagnosed bipolar a different time.
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Yeah, I think it's difficult for the psychs tbh - although I'm often not very complimentary about them - they have to work with what they're presented with at the time. It must be difficult in a hospital environment.

Different after they've spent a few months or years talking to someone of course and seeing how they are over a period of time.

I came across this gentleman on Youtube - I've watched a couple of his videos and found them really great. Very informative and professional.

I'm wont to think that it's more selfishness plus self-centeredness than it is true narcissism. Along with @harrison video, true narcissists are deeply hurt and vulnerable and drag other people down to cope with said vulnerability. Super toxic. I dont think I'm that toxic but I could be very toxic to the selfless and more self-aware.

Self-centeredness can come from a myriad of things. It is, nevertheless, frustrating as most relationships should be 50/50 and not everyone can spend time listening to your woes. A hard lesson learned.

Also, cool video. I like Dr Kirk Honda who explains narcissism in further detail. Edit: I wish I wasnt self-centered but it's a hard habit to break out of, for me anyway. I try not to be.

I think narcissism abusive victims generally either go..

A) become narcissists themselves out of adopting their abuser's behaviors to release their own frustrations.

B) become opposite personalities as their abusers out of repulse - which in turn they become anti-narcissists, although adopting traits such as having very timid and pushover personalities. For myself, I think I have became B.

I still remember the HR director at a holiday work party once when she was very liquored up, remarked to me that she suspected I grew up with a narcissistic person and went through abuse, based on how I interacted her and observing how I interacted with others. She remarked how easygoing, conforming and walking-on-eggshells-ish I am when I talk to people. When I told her that our mom was abusive, she said "yeah I know, because I grew up with a narcissistic parent as well". And she tells me the one and only real solution to dealing with them is their absence. Every countermeasures you take, every book you read to deal with them, is just a bandaid.

I wouldn't say narcissistic, but socially anxious people do tend to be very self-centered and some even think of other people's problems as unimportant or non-existent. There's this bizarre notion that narcissists are the polar opposite of SA, promoted by Youtube channels that take advantage of people's insecurities and convince them that anyone they don't like is a secret narcissist and that they're doing the right thing by trusting their instincts and avoiding everyone. But I think both disorders have a lot more in common than we'd care to admit: sensitivity to criticism, not wanting to be seen as less than perfect, taking rejection personally, being upset when people don't automatically behave in a way that benefits you, and in some extreme cases thinking you're better than extroverts and masquerading any rejection as part of your four-dimensional chess game.

I think you make some very good points.

I've always thought that most people would be very focused on their own problems if every day they're forced to deal with severe anxiety. When pretty much every part of their lives is affected by anxiety - and they have to try and find a way to deal with all the various situations that life entails. Things that other people can do without giving it any thought.

I can see how many people would interpret that as self-centredness when really it's more a case of survival.

I’m narcissistic, self centered, easily envious/jealous of others, toxic and pessimistic.

I notice I'm a very easy target for them. I probably give off the vibe of being weak and unformidible.

Yes. At the same time, what does it matter? People are out for their own agendas no matter how 'selfless' they appear to be in the process. Sometimes one has to appear that way or else they will get toppled over by the other person(s) because of it. When we only have ourselves to defend, it doesn't matter.

As it's been pointed out, you can have empathy, but only do it from a distance.

Reading your post, you actually sound like quite a thoughtful person @donistered . And the fact that you have self esteem issues - and I can relate to that - is probably the only reason why you believe yourself to be a contemptible person.

Just stick to the path you're on, try not to over-analyze too much, and give yourself a pat on the back for having some good principles to go on, okay dude? You've got your head screwed on right for a 24 year old.

I'm not so sure I've got my head on straight, but thank you nonetheless

Nah, self diagnosing is cringe. If you aren't diagnosed with a personality disorder you very likely don't have one.

No.

Pretty much this.