Do I have PTSD?
A few weeks ago my mind just went blank giving a presentation and my coworker had to cover for me while I regained my thoughts. Every time I am alone now, my mind wanders and subconsciously ends up thinking about that embarrassing moment and then I uncontrollably have violent outbursts at myself shouting things like “you ****ing idiot! How could you let that happen!” Or “**** you! Why are you so stupid?!” Almost like I have Tourette’s syndrome but it could be anything that puts myself down. It’s been weeks and I can’t get myself to stop this behavior.
Sometimes in public, I’ll have a subtle outburst almost like my subconscious has awareness that people are around and I shouldn’t embarrass myself further so I should be a bit more quiet cursing myself out in public but right after that subtle outburst I have a sense of awareness of what I just said, then I feel awkward and wonder if anyone heard me. This has happened a few times when I ****ed up on presentations since college. But I have gotten a lot better at giving presentations and sometimes I’ll do really well and get praised but once in a while I’ll mess up really bad and end up embarrassing myself which leads to self hate. Sometimes when I’m in downtown and I see a crazy person on the streets probably on drugs shouting random things at themself, it just reminds me of myself. Anyone familiar with this type of behavior and know how I can stop? Is this related to PTSD?