Did your parents mess you up psychologically? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 06:37 AM Thread Starter
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Did your parents mess you up psychologically?


While trying to figure stuff out I keep coming to the conclusion that my parents did a terrible job of raising me and that's a major understatement. It was a mess up childhood but from the outside it looked so normal-oh so perfect, the golden family that was praised by all. They would act like we were some sort of happy perfect family when guests were over. When the guests left, it was back to not talking to me.

Then trying to make out it was my fault when I struggled mentally-it's all their fault. They were fake parents. I am an adult now who by society's standards is a loser-I wonder why?

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Last edited by Chereogo; 06-15-2019 at 06:47 AM. Reason: im a loser thats why
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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 07:07 AM
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Alot of adults are broken children in adult bodies.

I'm annoyed how as kids we weren't taught a work ethic. My parents didn't really care what was going on at school. Just left us to got on with things. Because of that I never studied/did homework and spent my teen years trolling Internet forums and chat sites. I performed average in everything and didn't learn much. I just wish my parents made more of an effort to get us interested in work. As a result I'm a workshy lazy human being with no academic credentials to my name. I'd give anything to go back in time and apply myself in school properly.

Even though I'm 26 I've only just realised how emotionally unavailable my mother is. I was pleading as a teen to see a doctor for my anxiety and depression but I was laughed at in my face and told to get a grip. This treatment has RUINED me in so many ways. I would love to have had a parent just listen to me, ask me what's wrong and tell me it's gonna be okay. Just a loving, comforting parent. If I had that I might be so different today. I would love to ask my mum why she treated me this way. But it's no use. She'll say she doesn't remember or get overly defensive. But I want answers! Why would you leave a child in distress like that?


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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 07:29 AM
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My parents were okay - my Mum was a very kind, sensitive type of person that would back you no matter what you did. You always knew she would be there for you. So was my Dad in his own way - but he wasn't there so much because he was out working a lot. He came out from England with nothing and by the time he'd finished he'd built a big house in a nice area. I remember him taking a couple of **** jobs too when he had nothing else. It didn't mean as much to me when I was a silly young kid but it means something now.

They didn't **** me up at all. That happened all by itself - not sure where the anxiety and other stuff came from as my sister is fine. My Dad's father had something back in the Uk though so maybe it skipped a generation.
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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 08:15 AM
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Kind Of


Yes/No - Let me explain.

I was what most thought of as a normal child when I was with them and for almost everything, I did act like how a normal kid would act.

The problem was what they didn't see while I was at school and what I later wound up being pushed to.

My folks aren't bad people but my dad was always tired from work and my mother always had something to do around the house.

My folks rarely had people over, if ever, and so when it came time for me to move for the first time, I didn't know how to make friends. I was scared.

My folks never coached me or consoled me. I never questioned it or asked for help. Things just came to pass and I was always very reserved---as I am now.

It got to the point where I was just always spending time behind a screen. Be it TV or a computer—for better or for worse—my folks made sure I had something to do when I wasn't then doing the things a normal child would do. It's almost as if they were accepting of the fact that I was troubled (i.e. isolated) but weren't doing anything about it.

Fast-forward to high school and things got worse 'cause I pretty much acted like I hated everyone and I became a ghost in my school. I didn't do anything with anyone nor tried anything with anyone.

Fast-forward to today: I've changed a bit (i.e. attitude/perceptions) but I still didn't quite grasp the things I should have when I was growing up. I still don't have friends.

My folks definitely played a part in warping me into who I am but that goes both ways. I think a lot of things dealt with me not being better or "normal" but now at 24, I can't really say it's all on them anymore.

I can make my own decisions now and I have to live with the consequences. There was a time when all I did was blame my folks but no more.

Though I have always made it my practice to be pleasant to everybody, I have not once actually experienced friendship. I have only the most painful recollections of my various acquaintances ..."
― Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 05:19 PM
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parents aren't perfect we're doing the best we can with what we have. As for my parents it was the over sheltering and not enough talks...

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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 05:43 PM
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Yes. Absolutely. They were abusive, violent, cruel and negligent. That said, they were ****ed up by their abusive parents as well. This does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions, but it does explain why they were the way they were. That can be immensely healing in itself- knowing that I was born into a drama that was already in progress and, though their behavior harmed me, it was not about me. Thankfully, we live in a time when psychological resources are readily available and not as stigmatized, so I have the ability to claw myself out of the mire, one ****ed up belief at a time.

Miles to go before I sleep.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 05:52 PM
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Yes and no.

1. No in that way that I was always hopeless anyway.

2. Yes in that they didn't recognize that right off the bat and they just traumatized me by trying to pretend everything was normal.

3. Clarifying. It wouldn't have mattered what they did as far as trying to help me psychologically. I was born messed up. There wasn't anything left to mess up except for my basic state of mind. Which was screwed up by (primarily my mother) trying to force me into a mold that just wasn't me. Like when someone literally is not capable of what you're trying to make them do and you keep trying to make it happen, that's going to really mess with them.

/WYSD
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 06:01 PM
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I only have myself to blame
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 10:14 PM
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A little.. My dad would shame me whenever I played poorly in sports, and sometimes criticize my appearance and personality when i was a teenager. He would also get mad at me when I was struggling with math homework or something, and he was trying to teach me (even in elementary) . Like absolute 0 patience that guy... I also notice as-well, that whenever we have company he is like a totally different person as opposed to when it’s just my mom, and I around. Like he has this thin veneer of niceness/charisma, but can act like a complete prick sometimes behind the scenes. I guess that’s being human though, part prick that is. Recently I heard him mutter under his breath, “screw up.” That 1 hurt.. When I gain financial stability one day I will make it a goal to rarely see him. Perhaps twice a year or something.. My mom is a very kind-hearted lady and has always been very quiet/shy. She didn’t teach me too much growing up not too sound harsh. Being sheltered in some regards was great but perhaps not beneficial in the long-run. My dad made her cry recently by calling her stupid over something small. It pissed me off and i hate how he takes out his anger on others. I can’t wait to move out (once again) for good...
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2019, 10:33 PM
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Yes my parents screwed me up. Dad was a real prick on occasion. Looking back I cant totally blame him its the way he was raised as well and he was struggling with his own issues as well. Not born into the best of situations but some people had it a lot worse. So I had some bad genetics and not the best parenting let to a very rough situation for me.
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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 02:50 AM
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My mom certainly did, especially in my late teen years and onward. She really knows how to say the worst of things that will perfectly cut deep into my soul and the core of my very insecurities. And mostly due to her, I always hold a "everything bad is my own fault and doing" attitude. As I get older, I gradually learn this isn't always the case, but still struggle to convince myself of this.


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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 03:59 AM
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In short, sort of. At the age of 26 am I only starting to get over it. I've spent a lot of time away from them and managed to heal most of my past hurt. I don't take any **** though. If they play up, I'm gone. I like the freedom.
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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 04:31 AM
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They weren't very proactive at parenting for the most part and they obviously have some weirdness about them themselves especially my dad. If I had a very different personality to start with it might have worked out better though. Other people were more abusive and probably had a greater impact on some things though.

Both my parents have a bunch of issues themselves too so that influenced things.
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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 05:41 AM
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Yes they did and everyone who's messed up is messed up by the combination of environment and upbringing. So, you can say mostly it's parents who mess up everyone. Yes, they often do everything that's possible for them. However, it doesn't eliminate responsibility for their children and for how they messed them up. And for someone who's ''messed up'' it's important not to underestimate the role parents had in it and their responsibility for your life starting from your birth till you're 18 to be able to work on your traumas and to grow mentally, psychologically. Especially in the early years when your life depended on them entirely.

Most people have something that messed them up at least in some way and it was from their childhood and by someone who was responsible to be their caregiver. They just don't realize it at all. Or they do, but the extent of it is very small and they make up excuses for their parents.

Just like people in this thread. Half of them blame it on some vague ''genetics'' even though it's not true. Oh and they keep repeating that some people have it worse. Yeah, but so what? Some children were killed or sold for organs by their parents. So super duper extremely deliberately abused ones who survived into adulthood can get to know about those stories and think ''but I should remember these children had it worse than me so I should be grateful and blame myself for it''.

It's not right to think this way because it's your life. This is the last situation in which you should do the virtue signaling. But yeah, that's what your parents will most likely tell you or been telling you already. But the thing is they won't be able to ever acknowledge how they impacted your lifes and personalities, even 50% of it. So you shouldn't expect them to, no matter how much you want it internally.

Maybe they were trying to guilt trip you in your childhood about how much they've done for you and how much they sacrificed for you. That happens often. But the thing is you never asked them to give a birth to yourself. It was their decision with which their responsibility came. And the status of an adult person is incomparable to that of a newborn, a baby, a toddler, a child. Even a teen if the adult (in some of the most unfortunate cases an institution and people who work there) is a responsible for them caregiver. They projected some blood-sucking monster onto you, but in reality it just makes them look silly because if they weren't prepared for that then maybe they should have thought twice before making a decision about having a baby. Maybe more than twice.

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 07:58 AM
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I think a lot of parents are not appreciated enough. There's no handbook to parenting - most parents are doing their best to be a good parent and do the right thing for their children. Of course they can get it wrong sometimes, but making mistakes is a part of being human. It's easy to criticise parents without appreciating all the good things they do. And yes, there are the small minority of parents that get it really wrong and don't appreciate the responsibility they have as a parent. But most parents do a good job, do their best, and that's as much as you can ask from anyone to do!x

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post #16 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 08:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3stacks View Post
I only have myself to blame

I have always believed we have to look at our past and try analyse it to understand how it might have had an impact on us. Not gonna give away any personal detail about you but I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself and should allow yourself to put some blame on the ones that deserve it. You have witnessed some bad things that were over your control and you should practice self love more because of it.




My mother really messed me up since I was a child and I'm still to this day finding out in which ways & which behaviours might be a consequence of how she treated me. She would mostly overfeed me and make me feel like **** for being chubby as a child, making offensive remarks or taking me to every women's shop in town to find clothes (which would never fit) when it was obvious I still didn't have womanly curves. She would also constantly look for approval about her own looks to the point of becoming passive aggressive (both with me and my dad) to the point of comparing herself to obviously fatter people in order for us to say oh no of course you're thinner than that woman. All of this ****ed up my self esteem and body image, I have struggled with an eating disorder and still have disordered eating and my self esteem is close to zero. When I was in high school I used to dress as a gothic lolita, I was a very good student apart from having my own unique style and she would say she didn't want to be seen around me dressed up like that. She was always obsessed with the way my family presented itself to other people and with people's opinion. She was also very argumentative and would argue with anyone she'd meet which has turned me into the least confrontational person ever. It's hard to stand my own ground because of that and sometimes people take advantage of that. She also had OCD tendencies which I think I have picked up or inherited in some way. Seeing her behaving in a certain way has had a big effect on my daily routine even now that I don't live with her anymore and that she's been divorced by my dad for 10 years. I am still discovering little thoughts & things that I do that might be caused by her everyday. I have never faced her about these issues but I think therapy would be required to restore my self esteem and a normal behaviour. I am not sure if I can say that I was emotionally abused because she wasn't an alcoholic or such but she still messed me up and left me with scars. And now I'm the one who has to deal with this ****. She's still a very unstable person (I think she might be borderline) so I try to avoid being around her as much as possible. It's like she brings chaos wherever she goes and I don't need any more negative people in my life, life is hard enough already.

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post #17 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 08:20 AM
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I think a lot of parents are not appreciated enough. There's no handbook to parenting - most parents are doing their best to be a good parent and do the right thing for their children. Of course they can get it wrong sometimes, but making mistakes is a part of being human. It's easy to criticise parents without appreciating all the good things they do. And yes, there are the small minority of parents that get it really wrong and don't appreciate the responsibility they have as a parent. But most parents do a good job, do their best, and that's as much as you can ask from anyone to do!x
Oh my God, they couldn't be more appreciated in our societies. But children? No one ever thinks of them and what they truly need and no one ever looks at the power dynamic between parents and children. They basically own their child and they can do whatever they want with them unless it's a crime and even then the risk of this crime's disclosure is very low so they can do that because that happens behind closed doors, to someone who depends on them.

As adults, they're capable of making decisions about having a child. Children are obviously not asked about whether or not to be created. Yet it's somehow them who should be grateful for being born and thankful that their parents to different degrees do what they're supposed to do (even if it's only sometimes). Sometimes they should be grateful and thankful for being literally birthed and that their mother was suffering during that process. It's true that it's unfair etc, but for God's sake your children are not responsible for your sufferings because of them. Maybe you should find a different source for your blame that is actually responsible? I see no reason why people wouldn't create a handbook for how to raise children and how to take care of them at this point of time. That's their fault.

It will most likely remain this way for a long time because most people don't want to acknowledge even 70% of what their parents were like to them
and how their parents truly felt about them because it's considered immoral, disrespectful, ungrateful by their parents who would often talk about it since their childhood when a child doesn't even protest against them or anything and by society as a result of how common and intergenerational it is. But actually as adults we're capable of revising our parents who felt like gods, flawless and ultimate authority to us as children.

Sorry for not currently replying to your posts addressed to me. I will do that later (hopefully in a few days) because now I can't Please, don't take it personally because you have nothing to do with it.
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post #18 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eleonora91 View Post
I have always believed we have to look at our past and try analyse it to understand how it might have had an impact on us. Not gonna give away any personal detail about you but I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself and should allow yourself to put some blame on the ones that deserve it. You have witnessed some bad things that were over your control and you should practice self love more because of it.




My mother really messed me up since I was a child and I'm still to this day finding out in which ways & which behaviours might be a consequence of how she treated me. She would mostly overfeed me and make me feel like **** for being chubby as a child, making offensive remarks or taking me to every women's shop in town to find clothes (which would never fit) when it was obvious I still didn't have womanly curves. She would also constantly look for approval about her own looks to the point of becoming passive aggressive (both with me and my dad) to the point of comparing herself to obviously fatter people in order for us to say oh no of course you're thinner than that woman. All of this ****ed up my self esteem and body image, I have struggled with an eating disorder and still have disordered eating and my self esteem is close to zero. When I was in high school I used to dress as a gothic lolita, I was a very good student apart from having my own unique style and she would say she didn't want to be seen around me dressed up like that. She was always obsessed with the way my family presented itself to other people and with people's opinion. She was also very argumentative and would argue with anyone she'd meet which has turned me into the least confrontational person ever. It's hard to stand my own ground because of that and sometimes people take advantage of that. She also had OCD tendencies which I think I have picked up or inherited in some way. Seeing her behaving in a certain way has had a big effect on my daily routine even now that I don't live with her anymore and that she's been divorced by my dad for 10 years. I am still discovering little thoughts & things that I do that might be caused by her everyday. I have never faced her about these issues but I think therapy would be required to restore my self esteem and a normal behaviour. I am not sure if I can say that I was emotionally abused because she wasn't an alcoholic or such but she still messed me up and left me with scars. And now I'm the one who has to deal with this ****. She's still a very unstable person (I think she might be borderline) so I try to avoid being around her as much as possible. It's like she brings chaos wherever she goes and I don't need any more negative people in my life, life is hard enough already.
I'm sorry your mom was like that you still turned out to be an amazing person! My dad was similar in ways but we'll talk about that soon as well.
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post #19 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 04:28 PM
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My dad, yes. I was extremely fortunate in the mother department though. Could not have asked for a better mother.

more issues than vogue
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post #20 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2019, 05:05 PM
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yeah they were pretty negligent

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