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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-11-2019, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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why do some people above here care about having sex with them? that's the last thing i'm interested in.

But yeah, i've been following up on the "spamming messages" advice and it's been helping i feel like. getting more replies. though so far all of them have stopped replying all together after like 1-5 messages. And obviously with them never asking anything. it's me that has to ask questions otherwise conversation stops all together.

If i ask a question, they never EVER ask me the same back btw. like am i supposed to just answer my own question after they reply?

It's actually crazy how this is the case for like 99% of the women i talked to. None of em seem to care enough about me even simply asking the same question back.

for example: "me: where are you from?" "her: oh i'm from xxx". and that's where it ends.
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 09:50 PM
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why do some people above here care about having sex with them? that's the last thing i'm interested in.

But yeah, i've been following up on the "spamming messages" advice and it's been helping i feel like. getting more replies. though so far all of them have stopped replying all together after like 1-5 messages. And obviously with them never asking anything. it's me that has to ask questions otherwise conversation stops all together.

If i ask a question, they never EVER ask me the same back btw. like am i supposed to just answer my own question after they reply?

It's actually crazy how this is the case for like 99% of the women i talked to. None of em seem to care enough about me even simply asking the same question back.

for example: "me: where are you from?" "her: oh i'm from xxx". and that's where it ends.
I dunno, sorry to say, but how in the world is sex the last thing you are interested in? Maybe i am shallow but if that is not at least part of the equation then what is the point.
If you exude in person or online that you are not interested in someone romantically, that will show and turn off a lot of people. Even if you want to wait a month or whatever to make sure it means something (which I am against, if you are attracted, why not sleep with a person right away, there should not be rules about that, people who end up married had sex on the first date, so who even cares), that needs to be part of it, or else you may as well go on a completely different site for friendship.

Whatever you are looking for, every message you send should be pretty damn interesting and flawless. You might even have to wrack your brain for 20 minutes to come up with a 10-word reply that is perfect for that specific person.

The whole thing is taxing. I have not dated in almost a year, but women you think you would worship, like "can you please go out with me" THEY end up being an emotional wreck who is gaga over YOU. Until you meet someone and get further down the line, it is wacky the twists and turns. Online dating in general is weird in a way where you start out messaging like hundreds of women, you finally meet one and can actually sleep with some on the first night. My point is, it might take 10 or 20 hours of time on the sites online, which can then turn into amazing sex or a great connection. One key is you need to be willing to travel, and sometimes spend a few bucks taking more involved trains or buses. I don't drive, but if i had not been willing to meet women WHEREVER THE HELL they wanted, I would have had zero success with anyone. If you don't have a car, you want to at least convey that if they want to hang out with you you are willing to go to them or meet them anywhere. You don't need a car, but you need to be able to BS in person and create a kind of fake persona that you are at the least a happening lively guy who is exciting to be around.
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 10:15 PM
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@Keyblade

It's not just you (...guys?). After a recent breakup I've went crawling back, well knowing that dating apps never get anywhere beyond text messaging and outside of the dating app if I'm very lucky.

People just, I don't know, either like flirting with the idea of finding someone or they just change their minds. Maybe it really is just all about the high you get of someone giving you attention and finding a connection, then they want to see if they can do it again with a different person. It could all be based on accumulating attention from another person as a coping mechanism. This is of course all nude schemes and catfish aside.

I'm a lesbian looking for other girls to either hang out with or date. I've even stated it would be nice to hang out and get to know each other just as friends/social networking, but the convo fizzles out no matter how hard I try to carry it all from my end or how amazing we are getting along.

The only thing that has recently worked so far is being blunt and saying to the person "Would you like to possibly meet up in the near future? Is the distance an issue for you? If so I'd like to continue messaging one another". She gave me an affirmative answer and we still talk but no idea how far this will go. She even took the time to message me while at a bar, when in reality I'd probably not bother much with my phone if I was in a place like that. Regardless, now I feel like I can at least put my full effort into her without worrying that I'm completely wasting my time. Maybe people need to be woke with that kind of blunt questioning to show you mean business.

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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 11:15 PM
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DAT'INNNGGG a verb??? DOINNGG it???

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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 11:19 PM
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@Keyblade

It's not just you (...guys?). After a recent breakup I've went crawling back, well knowing that dating apps never get anywhere beyond text messaging and outside of the dating app if I'm very lucky.

People just, I don't know, either like flirting with the idea of finding someone or they just change their minds. Maybe it really is just all about the high you get of someone giving you attention and finding a connection, then they want to see if they can do it again with a different person. It could all be based on accumulating attention from another person as a coping mechanism. This is of course all nude schemes and catfish aside.

I'm a lesbian looking for other girls to either hang out with or date. I've even stated it would be nice to hang out and get to know each other just as friends/social networking, but the convo fizzles out no matter how hard I try to carry it all from my end or how amazing we are getting along.

The only thing that has recently worked so far is being blunt and saying to the person "Would you like to possibly meet up in the near future? Is the distance an issue for you? If so I'd like to continue messaging one another". She gave me an affirmative answer and we still talk but no idea how far this will go. She even took the time to message me while at a bar, when in reality I'd probably not bother much with my phone if I was in a place like that. Regardless, now I feel like I can at least put my full effort into her without worrying that I'm completely wasting my time. Maybe people need to be woke with that kind of blunt questioning to show you mean business.
I am a guy and my experience from online dating is that for the average run of the mill guy, he needs to message about 250 women before one agrees to meet them, and women are choosing between 50 potential guys who are flooding their inbox to capacity. As a lesbian, I imagine the playing field is more even. I personally would not be that direct in how you phrase things. I just think in general if you are texting or messaging through a site, EVERYTHING should be hinted at or alluded to. I just think you are better off NEVER being direct. For example, if you want to meet someone, instead of saying, "Would you like to meet for a drink sometime" instead of that, maybe say for example, "I am going to a seedy bar saturday and I look incredibly cute in my new hat, I am going to be there at 8PM on sunday and I ordered you a drink in advance with a twirly straw and a twist of lemon" I mean i just made that up from the top of my head, but my point is, i think you need to say flirty things to a bunch of different people and eventually, without you even trying to set up a meeting, you can create so much anticipation in THEIR mind, they will ask YOU to meet, if done correctly. There is no shame in messaging like 10 people at a time, you have to play the numbers game
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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 11:21 PM
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-21-2019, 11:23 PM
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I can't speak for anyone because I don't like to use those sites and I'm very selective with trust issues lol but, I agree with another poster in here, I think a lot of the people use them just for attention. I've known quite a few people, women in particular, that sign up just out of boredom or even while already in relationships, just to get a boost to their ego being able to match/talk to other guys interested in them. Which, I don't care for that kind of thing, seems messed up IMO.

I think another issue is, people have different expectations/reasons for using those sites, and a person's idea of "dating" can vary. They really should be more specific and match people based on what they're looking for (Just chatting, hookup, relationship, etc.)

The whole process weirds me out, it's like window shopping and then people get these stacked expectations and never really find themselves "buying", just browsing. I think the idea behind what could be versus the reality seems more interesting to those people.

Basically what I'm saying is, if it truly was about meeting someone you're interested in getting to know, you'd have some messages by now. I'd be curious to chat with prospective guys, whether their profile pulled me in right away or not, because that's hardly enough to go on (unless it starts off truly terrible or where something offensive is written in the bio that turned me off). Once we get to talking though, it's more the chemistry, and it is either there or it isn't, there isn't anything a person can do to "fix" it.

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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-22-2019, 01:35 AM Thread Starter
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I dunno, sorry to say, but how in the world is sex the last thing you are interested in? Maybe i am shallow but if that is not at least part of the equation then what is the point.
If you exude in person or online that you are not interested in someone romantically, that will show and turn off a lot of people. Even if you want to wait a month or whatever to make sure it means something (which I am against, if you are attracted, why not sleep with a person right away, there should not be rules about that, people who end up married had sex on the first date, so who even cares), that needs to be part of it, or else you may as well go on a completely different site for friendship.

Whatever you are looking for, every message you send should be pretty damn interesting and flawless. You might even have to wrack your brain for 20 minutes to come up with a 10-word reply that is perfect for that specific person.

The whole thing is taxing. I have not dated in almost a year, but women you think you would worship, like "can you please go out with me" THEY end up being an emotional wreck who is gaga over YOU. Until you meet someone and get further down the line, it is wacky the twists and turns. Online dating in general is weird in a way where you start out messaging like hundreds of women, you finally meet one and can actually sleep with some on the first night. My point is, it might take 10 or 20 hours of time on the sites online, which can then turn into amazing sex or a great connection. One key is you need to be willing to travel, and sometimes spend a few bucks taking more involved trains or buses. I don't drive, but if i had not been willing to meet women WHEREVER THE HELL they wanted, I would have had zero success with anyone. If you don't have a car, you want to at least convey that if they want to hang out with you you are willing to go to them or meet them anywhere. You don't need a car, but you need to be able to BS in person and create a kind of fake persona that you are at the least a happening lively guy who is exciting to be around.

Well. I meant more like "oh I banged 10 girls in a few months time" like... That gives me the idea you care more about sex than anything else. I'm not on the site as a main goal to have sex with many girls.... Like of course I care about it but no where near as much as finding love first...

Anyway. From reading the latest replies. It seems like the reason I'm not getting messages after 1-5 of them is because I guess I'm driving the conversation too bland. Asking where she lives, how many sisters she has, about her hobbies etc.. seems like I need to start being more flirty I suppose .

I do think about my replies for a long time before sending them though and I try to be funny more than flirty.

Guess I'm just being a bit boring. But I don't like putting up and act either of a person I'm not. If I do tell her these flirty things and I can't back it up irl... Hmmm

Appreciate all the above input so far.
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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-22-2019, 02:41 AM
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Anyway. From reading the latest replies. It seems like the reason I'm not getting messages after 1-5 of them is because I guess I'm driving the conversation too bland. Asking where she lives, how many sisters she has, about her hobbies etc.. seems like I need to start being more flirty I suppose .

I do think about my replies for a long time before sending them though and I try to be funny more than flirty.

Guess I'm just being a bit boring. But I don't like putting up and act either of a person I'm not. If I do tell her these flirty things and I can't back it up irl... Hmmm

Appreciate all the above input so far.
I think that would be the case. Some of the girls are just bored and want someone to flirt with. Once you keep asking questions about casual stuffs; they no longer feel interested. However, I doubt you will ever get a date from anyone of them because they don't really sound serious for a relationship.

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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-22-2019, 11:35 AM
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I am a guy and my experience from online dating is that for the average run of the mill guy, he needs to message about 250 women before one agrees to meet them, and women are choosing between 50 potential guys who are flooding their inbox to capacity. As a lesbian, I imagine the playing field is more even. I personally would not be that direct in how you phrase things. I just think in general if you are texting or messaging through a site, EVERYTHING should be hinted at or alluded to. I just think you are better off NEVER being direct. For example, if you want to meet someone, instead of saying, "Would you like to meet for a drink sometime" instead of that, maybe say for example, "I am going to a seedy bar saturday and I look incredibly cute in my new hat, I am going to be there at 8PM on sunday and I ordered you a drink in advance with a twirly straw and a twist of lemon" I mean i just made that up from the top of my head, but my point is, i think you need to say flirty things to a bunch of different people and eventually, without you even trying to set up a meeting, you can create so much anticipation in THEIR mind, they will ask YOU to meet, if done correctly. There is no shame in messaging like 10 people at a time, you have to play the numbers game
The thing is, I don't like hints or signs. Things can be misinterpreted or at best it's me doing all the work, which I'm tired of chasing people. The whole point of a dating site is to speed through the process and get to the point. I guess we have to ask ourselves if it's really worth the time and effort.

I've messaged a lot of people, and I think it mainly comes down to location. I'd much rather hang out with this girl I like at work vs. driving 1.5-2 hours away just for an absolute maybe. Then if we do like each other, ugh, then what. Make that a fling and then do the whole process again. Pretty faces and personalities start to fade once reality sets in and you're spending lots of time, energy, gas, money etc. for a complete stranger. Still, I do have at admit this whole online dating mess is better than sitting around with nothing but my current breakup on my mind (which wasn't much of a relationship to begin with [we met on fb]).

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Originally Posted by A Toxic Butterfly View Post

Basically what I'm saying is, if it truly was about meeting someone you're interested in getting to know, you'd have some messages by now. I'd be curious to chat with prospective guys, whether their profile pulled me in right away or not, because that's hardly enough to go on (unless it starts off truly terrible or where something offensive is written in the bio that turned me off). Once we get to talking though, it's more the chemistry, and it is either there or it isn't, there isn't anything a person can do to "fix" it.
There's been MANY situations where I've locked into perfect chemistry with people. I get all excited because I have a goal, like I've finally found a real person that gets me and is needing someone like me. Then all of a sudden poof! They vanish. They stop messaging. It makes absolutely no sense. It's like they get cold feet, and even after mentioning plans to meet up. I feel like there's too many factors to the point of this being a near fantasy scenario. It's a bit like playing the lotto, because if dating sites worked like they were intended we wouldn't be writing these kinds of things in threads like this. Expectations like you mentioned is another huge factor that's just added on to the pile of things.

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post #31 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-22-2019, 03:51 PM
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Not sure why you'd pay for any sites when POF, OKcupid, and Tinder are free?
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post #32 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 01:01 AM
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Below average looking have to want below average looking girls. And many people choose to be alone because they cannot have someone beautiful but cannot stand uglies either. Are we all just selfish or spoiled by the media which only shows beautiful faces? It is a fact that men does not want ugly wife either.
Then some people only cares about character, but it can go wrong too because some people fake their character also. And I am so picky with character that it is worse than being picky with looks .

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post #33 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 07:52 AM
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Oh jeez, dating sites, just another scam like everything else. Here is a report I found online:
---------------------------------------------------------------
"According to this article in Consumer Affairs, only 10 percent of the profiles you see on dating sites belong to paid subscribers. The rest belong to canceled subscribers, people who never subscribed, duplicate profiles, or fake profiles created by the company. So even if you have a paid subscription, itís highly unlikely that many people you contact will be paid subscribers themselves. These sites are for-profit companies. Their business is to make sure that people stay on the site as long as possible, because they make more money."
--------------------------------------------------------------


WHAT A JOKE. You could sit there and send 200 messages a day, and only 20 of those people will be real profiles. Being lonely and wanting to find someone is a painful enough experience, but then these rich greedy sociopaths that run the world make it 100x worse.

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post #34 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 10:20 AM
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From what i gather, a lot of girls are only on there out of boredom and have no real intention to meet up with anyone. On the rare occasion i do get a response i find it incredibly difficult to build a rapport with them strong enough to get their phone number. Most are very short with their answers to questions, in fact i can't recall them asking me any questions at all. Would much rather develop a relationship more organically but opportunities in my daily life to get to know women are non existent.
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post #35 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 10:32 AM
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Below average looking have to want below average looking girls. And many people choose to be alone because they cannot have someone beautiful but cannot stand uglies either. Are we all just selfish or spoiled by the media which only shows beautiful faces? It is a fact that men does not want ugly wife either.
Then some people only cares about character, but it can go wrong too because some people fake their character also. And I am so picky with character that it is worse than being picky with looks .
Many people don't get this faking of character. I hear people complaining few months into their relationship that they feel their partner isn't quite what they thought. This is way too common. Well, obviously no one is going to stay "in character" for too long.

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post #36 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 11:41 AM
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Many people don't get this faking of character. I hear people complaining few months into their relationship that they feel their partner isn't quite what they thought. This is way too common. Well, obviously no one is going to stay "in character" for too long.
I think most people want to show their good sides at first and then some people are just too good to play their games to get sex. I kind of fake too because I try to look as bad as possible so my bad sides are available to see. I might not be that annoying later .

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post #37 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 11:59 PM
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The thing is, I don't like hints or signs. Things can be misinterpreted or at best it's me doing all the work, which I'm tired of chasing people. The whole point of a dating site is to speed through the process and get to the point. I guess we have to ask ourselves if it's really worth the time and effort.

I've messaged a lot of people, and I think it mainly comes down to location. I'd much rather hang out with this girl I like at work vs. driving 1.5-2 hours away just for an absolute maybe. Then if we do like each other, ugh, then what. Make that a fling and then do the whole process again. Pretty faces and personalities start to fade once reality sets in and you're spending lots of time, energy, gas, money etc. for a complete stranger. Still, I do have at admit this whole online dating mess is better than sitting around with nothing but my current breakup on my mind (which wasn't much of a relationship to begin with [we met on fb]).
I don't like mind games either or hints but i think if you message say 10 people and use flirty hints and clever remarks, you will do better overall than if you messaged 10 people with directness and firmness but no creativity or vagueness. People want what they can't have, if you directly say "I am interested, are you interested" it is just human nature for people to get cagey, like "how the hell are they this interested in me, must be something wrong with me" Like I wouldn't want to be part of a club that would have me as a member. I mean if you want to meet someone obviously you need to set specific time and place but how you phrase things is very important.

I think if you are traveling up to an hour one way with a relatively easy connection, that should be about the limit. Anything past that and you will be driving yourself nuts. If you are driving I guess it is easier on some level, if you are taking a train or bus and switching 1 or 2 times it is like UGGH. I still would not date anyone from work unless you know one of you is quitting or moving on, to avoid a S-storm of problems and complications. People gossiping at work, you two having issues of all kinds and it distracting one or both of you, it ending and it then being awkward. I would just pray that one of you stops working there and then you have advance notice and can THEN give your number or whatever. Not to mention, workplaces frown upon it too, just a million reasons why not to do that.

I have not done online dating in about a year, i closed my account, i am too overwhelmed to even think about any of that anymore, someone making demands of me and I have to jump through hoops and draw people out and explain that "I never said that or meant that..." or misunderstandings. I might start online dating again, my business now takes up so much time and i am going to like 80 pro sports games this year plus a ton of movies so no time for it, but I also have no energy either
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post #38 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 12:28 AM
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Well. I meant more like "oh I banged 10 girls in a few months time" like... That gives me the idea you care more about sex than anything else. I'm not on the site as a main goal to have sex with many girls.... Like of course I care about it but no where near as much as finding love first...

Anyway. From reading the latest replies. It seems like the reason I'm not getting messages after 1-5 of them is because I guess I'm driving the conversation too bland. Asking where she lives, how many sisters she has, about her hobbies etc.. seems like I need to start being more flirty I suppose .

I do think about my replies for a long time before sending them though and I try to be funny more than flirty.

Guess I'm just being a bit boring. But I don't like putting up and act either of a person I'm not. If I do tell her these flirty things and I can't back it up irl... Hmmm

Appreciate all the above input so far.
Well I actually was with 10 women but this was over maybe 5 years and i was with one exclusively for about 2 and a half years on and off but we both were not with other people then. The last year I have not been dating. i would still be with that one woman from back then if it were up to me. I have not gotten her out of my head for the last 3 years. I don't care more about sex than other things, I am too overwhelmed now to date, just no energy to deal with drama and stress.

I mean it totally depends on the person. If you can find one interesting thing about a profile, just take that and make a witty remark about that. Maybe avoid anything too flirty because women's inboxes are flooded with inappropriate messages. I think you can mention sexual things but not directly. Just crowbar sex into a conversation, like mention sexual things but that don't directly have to do with you or her. Then after that go right back to normal conversation. it is like you are interjecting sex into her mind subconciously. It has to be very subtle. But yea it depends on the person. You don't really want to ever say how sexy she is, unless you are adding different types of humor or sarcasm into it at the same time. Like instead of saying, "You look so beautiful in that outfit" you say like, "You look sexy in that outfit, can i borrow it? I am trying out new looks and I already look kinda feminine" I mean anything. Instead of saying, "I would love to kiss you one day under the moonlight" you turn the tables and say, "I am sure you are interested in me, but I don't kiss because my religion doesn't permit it" It is the same idea as, don't say "can i buy you a drink sometime" you can say, "if you behave I might allow you to buy me a drink, I expect to be treated well or i may throw a tantrum" anyway you get the idea
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post #39 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 02:06 AM
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It's possible to improve your appearance. You can be more fashionable, work out, and have good hygiene (beyond the basics of showering. Actually give a damn about your skincare and cologne), but confidence and a personality will go a long way. As cliche as it is, you have to love yourself before you expect anyone else to be interested and fall for you, and I mean a true love with yourself, not a fake mask.

Be the kind of person you want to be with. Take up hobbies or rekindle old ones. Being interesting/doing interesting things helps with starting/sustaining conversations and helps you find like-minded people. Build yourself into someone you're proud of, someone who's fine on their own -- that's true confidence.

This is only surface-level stuff, imo. If you want a lasting, healthy, stable relationship, you're going to have to take time to confront yourself so you can heal unresolved internal issues. I suggest going off dating apps for a bit to do you. There's more to life than relationships. If you tie so much of your happiness to being with someone, that leads to an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.

Redirect that focus of wanting to make others happy and make yourself happy first. Having a gf won't make you happier. You'll just be the same unhappy person but in a relationship. You can't use your gf as a band-aid for your issues. It isn't sustainable.

Birch tree lost its branch one day in violent winter

I said it was grieving, you said it don't feel nothing
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post #40 of 45 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 02:23 AM
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Damn, after reading this thread it made me a bit depressed, or maybe not feel so bad striking out while ****ed up 12+ months ago?


A relationship is something I've been holding back, maybe for the delayed excitement or because I truly felt I was worthless as I was prior, doesn't matter. I only had limited tinder/pof exposure 2 years ago when I relapsed. I pretty much striked out, just like you guys. I'm a male. but back when I was all ****ed up I use to swipe every chick. I only had an actual conversation with, **** 1? I think I made contact with 5, only 1 girl talked with me for a while. Mind you this was me on tweak, swiping endlessly for a day or two every couple of hours.



Reading that girls have the field makes total sense.


Damnit, I was hoping to meet some people online dating once I felt ready. I only went on tinder after getting spun, whoever above stated that sex wasn't the main attraction for me - I can relate. I've never been about that, was a hopeless romantic until after graduation when I finally got my first girlfriend. One night stands have never appealed to me, so my sad makes me think finding someone now will be so much harder. This thread doesn't inspire much hope either, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take though.
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