Cutting off ties with a sibling - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-25-2020, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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Cutting off ties with a sibling

Has anyone ever cut off ties with a sibling? Do you get on with your siblings?

Growing up with my sister I always disliked her. She was rude, volatile, explosive, disrespectful, a thief and a liar. But yes, it not uncommon for siblings to not get along when growing up. But we're both adults now and not much has changed apart from the fact that she now pretty much has no-one in her life. There's no-one for her to hide behind when she wants to be rude to me, I'm pretty much one of the only people she has left and I know for a fact that is why she is 'tolerating' me. She will talk about our other siblings behind their backs. She doesn't really care for them. Has this whole 'I'm the youngest so the world should revolve around poor little me' attitude despite being a grown woman now. She will create issues out of thin air and whenever we had an argument (which has not happened for a long while due to her knowing if I'm gone, she's all alone) she would bring up all of these feelings I never knew she had about me. She harbours them and is fake to my face. It would be no loss to me if I never had contact with her again. All she does is bring more anxiety (as if I need more) and stress into my life. Whenever I go see her, it's 'this person did this and I don't like this person and blah blah negativity, negativity'. If I so much as call her out for anything, she will go ape. She can't handle any form of criticism. She will deny that she said things almost as if she forgets them as soon as they come out of her mouth. I force myself to communicate with her and it's exhausting. I either want her to change, or to be out of my life for good.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-04-2021, 08:40 AM
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Yes, my sister is a megalomaniac who believes god is on her side and that she is around to fix the world's problems [on her hourly wage admin job] volunteering for various organizations for which she has no time to do and in the past dumped some of the volunteer work on me. In turn, she sees me as an unholy evil person in need to be set right. Last time I saw her years back was an invite to holiday at her house. I brought the wife and kids, and she spent much of the night showing her disapproval of my wife until my wife broke down for days. All that happens every time is we feel her wrath. My sense of happiness and stability are already in question without her in the picture.

I guess this is why middle age people don't have much to say to each other and need to distance.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-04-2021, 11:59 AM
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yeah I haven't heard from my brother for a long time. he acted very rudely the last few times I saw him so after that it was kind of over. family disintegrated anyway, for me at least.

though also the sister in the previous post sounds a bit like me, sans volunteering and actually seeing family

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. ― Mother Teresa
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-04-2021, 03:46 PM
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I'm a big believer in the idea that you are not required to keep toxic people in your life just because you happen to be related. I have cut ties with all my blood relatives with the exception of one cousin that I only occasionally interact with on facebook, and I have very strict boundaries with her. It would take years to explain my reasons for doing so and the toxicity and dysfunction that lead me to that choice, and I didn't take it lightly or do it impulsively, but I am one thousand percent sure it was the right choice for me and I have no regrets whatsoever. I now consider my in-laws my actual family. That said, my suggestion is to be absolutely sure that it's what you want and then stick to it.

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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-07-2021, 06:10 PM
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I cut my sister off about 6 years ago completely. I have written her maybe 10 Emails and letters over that time, to get across what i wanted to say. She always thought she was God's gift, little miss perfect, pinned blame on me regularly, ignored me our entire childhood, looked down on me, and dominated with her incessant babbling and intellectual take on things. My best advice to all of you, if you want no contact with your sister or brother or family member, and that is your gut feeling, you may as well stick to it. If you let someone back into your life in a superficial or minor way who is already toxic, you are just opening the floodgates to frustration and anger that will still reside under the surface. It all depends on the person, I hate my sister for robbing me of time i needed from my parents as a child, and making me feel invisible. If your sibling did not do anything too severe, I recommend trying to work things out. If you are just fuming every time you think of a person, and what they represent to you, why the freak would you want that God damn person in your life. I also do recommend sending E-mails or texts or facebook messages to that sibling explaining semi-politely why you think they wronged you. Not so you win, but so that no matter what happens, you said your peace and have that weight off your shoulders. My sister now, over the last few months, I sent her about 3 or 4 packages with a ton of gifts, hundreds of dollars and mixed in cards and E-mails criticizing her (and even her yuppie husband's) past treatment of me (which she deserved) It is like the equivalent of giving someone a beautiful birthday cake with their name written into it, but with razor blades inside. My point is, if you mix in gifts, or compliments, or butt-kissing, you can get a lot further with destroying someone than you would if you just blatantly trash someone. Very effective and makes more of a statement that way. The thing is, it has to be warranted, for you to say or do what you want. And at some point, you have to let it go. You can't just send hate towards someone forever. That is why if you do attack someone verbally, I would get out EVERYTHING you want to say, because you never may get that chance again, you know
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2021, 01:37 AM
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I'm actually on the receiving end of this. Sister cut ties from me nearly a year ago randomly out of the blue for unknown reason. Still suspecting my mom might've said something to her to prompt this. With covid and all, it's pretty hard to try to get to address this mostly.

What goes up, will inevitably come back down. Whoever you have to step on when you go up, you will be at their mercy when you go down.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2021, 03:02 AM
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Familiar terrain. I haven't spoken to my oldest sister in six years. Before that I hadn't spoken to my youngest sister and mother for five years. I just couldn't allow to be dragged down into very toxic family dynamics anymore. I had to put my own health first and there was no other option left to do so. It was also my way of showing that I can't be part of a family which is so unaware and destructive. Words wouldn't come through, I tried my utmost. It was rough and I regret it came this far. But I don't regret making this decision. It had to be done.

You don't have to make a permanent decision. There's also the option of taking some time off. If you do decide to cut ties, I recommend avoiding blaming the other as much as possible and to focus on how the relationship affects you and why you can't continue it (at the moment). People are often unaware of how their behavior is affecting others. The way I tend to view damaging behavior is as an unskillful way of coping with personal issues. These are often deeply ingrained and unconscious patterns. The chances of it changing is often limited but still present. If you don't demonize the other, you invite self reflection and possible change. This way you retain your own dignity and the possibility of reconciliation in the future. Meanwhile, you have removed yourself from toxicity or vice versa. It may be useful to look into nonviolent communication a bit before making drastic decisions. You can be firm about your boundaries but there are many ways to deliver the message.
The best of luck!

((( connect or perish )))
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2021, 03:20 AM
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I love my sister, but I don't interact with her at all (we live in the same house). I don't want my mental illness to spill onto her life or make her feel responsible. I can imagine us hating each other though if either of us were more open with their problems or emotions to the other, so I stay away because I care for her.

the truth may vary
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2021, 04:15 AM
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I cut off ties with my elder sister about 7 years ago or so. She's a very difficult person to deal with and likes to upset people - or she seems to. She unfortunately pushed me a bit too far last time we spoke and I lost my temper with her. That's never good, so she's kept away this time.

It's not something I'm happy about - but there are quite a few things in my life I've had to come to terms with. That one only comes to the surface occasionally compared to the others.
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