Coming Across As Cold & Rude - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 04:21 AM Thread Starter
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Coming Across As Cold & Rude


I hate that I come across this way but it's a part of being socially anxious and awkward.

Also I don't talk to people and pretend to not notice people as a way of protecting myself.
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 08:02 AM
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This resonates with me. I feel as though things would probably be different if people were more accepting of others and less judgmental. Instead, people are such trash.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 12:16 PM
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My stupid post is too long. It's humiliating to break up posts nobody's even going to read...


People overwhelmingly jump to the conclusion that I'm a snob rather than suspecting that just maybe I'm painfully shy/anxious, just because I'm very quiet and avoid all eye contact. I think they're surprised when I can manage to reply to them and I'm not rude at all, in fact I usually go out of my way to be polite.

Long whiny post behind spoiler.

 
This happens online as well, since I take a very long time to respond to people, if ever. Even other people with social anxiety believe I'm rude and snobby rather than anxious, something I found unbelievable and very hurtful. I had to add the purple part to my signature because a user here who was trying to communicate with me privately took it VERY personally when I took too long, in their opinion, to respond, and made a habit of posting passive-aggressively about me on the forum, criticizing my wordy/repetitive writing style and other things (which made me wonder, why were they even so upset not to hear from me if they hated my communication style so much?? ).

Several times I thought about removing the signature but there would always be another user who'd get offended and find it impossible to believe that somebody who can post like I do on the open forum could have any trouble communicating privately. There was even a user who jeered that I can't possibly be disabled because I'm able to type long replies on the forum, so based on that alone I should stop being lazy and get a job. (Being longwinded qualifies me for a job?? Okay...) (My issue actually makes sense when you think about it. When I post on the open forum, I'm just tossing my words out there to anyone, usually people don't reply, and there's no strict obligation to engage in a back-and-forth discussion with 50% of the responsibility on me--unlike with private communication. Additional proof of this is how frequently I chicken out on the few occasions when other users DO reply to my posts.)

And there was that user who PM'ed me to say that they didn't believe my social anxiety "excuse," they claimed I just got so many PMs I would reply to only the interesting ones (um, no, none of my inboxes anywhere have ever been flooded with messages, in fact I usually go years without getting a personal message from anyone except my one online friend), and demanded that I reply to them or else they would consider me a "snob." This was them being FRIENDLY, they said. Of course I didn't reply to that (what do you even say in response to such comments??), though I was still responding to this user on the forum. Bad idea--they went off on me twice, throwing a fit and saying all kinds of nasty things, reiterating their accusation that I didn't have social anxiety and was just a snob. (They also claimed they'd PM'ed me more than once, which was blatantly untrue, I even checked my messages to be sure.) When I tried to explain that their angry reaction was exactly the reason I hadn't replied to the PM, that just made it worse, so I had to add them to my ignore list.

I've had people harass/troll and stalk me privately so that's an additional reason I prefer to communicate out in the open, so people can see I'm not making this up. I've learned to take screencaps too, when people insult me then try to cover their tracks by deleting their posts. I've been accused of overreacting or being hysterical/paranoid so I keep track of things. I've been criticized instead for my screencapping habit and tendency to remember the times I've been ridiculed ("She'll carry a grudge and bring up stuff from YEARS ago!"), but at least they can't say I'm making it all up, anymore. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ In fact, the one time somebody demanded proof of the time somebody else insulted me, and demanded it again when I was slow to respond, and I then linked them to the proof, they never responded.

I've never come across anyone else as anxious of online communication as I am--I suspect such people exist, they just don't post, ever--so this is probably the reason so many anxious people don't believe me, because THEY'RE able to respond so surely I should be able to, as well? This is frustrating as well as extremely isolating, not being able to find other people who understand how this feels. (Of course the few who would understand aren't posting about it!)


Stupid post cont....

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 12:17 PM
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Cont. from dumb post above.

 
It's not much different on other sites, either. Even other self-described "shy/anxious" people who'd try to contact me would get fed up with my own avoidance and move on. On Reddit, I tried a few times to fit into communities of lonely people only to be ridiculed ("You're a woman, there's no way you're truly lonely, all you have to do is speak up and your inbox will be flooded"--never mind that no, that never happened, and NONE of the people telling me this ever messaged me, themselves). One guy who I did summon the guts to reply to kept demanding that I chat with him; he wouldn't accept any of my legitimate reasons not to (not just my overwhelming anxiety, but the fact that I tend to wander away from the computer or doze off at random times, plus my computer is very crashy), and when I said I can't sustain a conversation due to my anxiety he said, "Just consider this an exposure exercise to get better at handling your anxiety!" Um, no--years of professional therapy didn't help me, so chatting with a pushy person like you definitely won't, either. He even promised to do all the chatting himself while I'd sit there silently, to which I thought, why do you even want/need me to chat with you then, if you're content talking to yourself? I ended the conversation since I don't have the heart to argue about/"defend" my mental disorder to people who simply refuse to believe I have a genuine problem. I know that eventually, even if I took him up on the offer, he'd get pushier and start getting angry about me not replying enough, and then start insulting or even harassing me, because that's exactly what happened with other people in the past.

Plus, the few users who privately reached out to me, despite the warning I put on my profile that by then I was unlikely to respond to private messages anymore, would usually end up deleting their comments and their entire accounts after perhaps a week if I didn't respond or engage in conversation. Considering that they'd usually contacted me under newly created alt accounts anyway, that made me extra suspicious about replying, since I've been trolled and harassed multiple times by users pretending to be friendly at first. (I'm supposed to just trust and pour my guts out to this random person with no posting history??--no thanks.) Random people who've replied even without any intent to correspond regularly delete their comments to me. Knowing that people are too ashamed?/embarrassed? to contact me under their real accounts, and to keep their public comments to me up, made me feel ashamed, myself; it's like I'm not good enough for others to be authentic. I ended up just turning off my private messages there, too.

I've barely even touched on the many people I tried to befriend, or who tried to befriend me, over the years, who quickly grew disappointed or bored when I wasn't as interesting as they'd thought, or who grew hostile when I was the one to ask if everything was okay when I hadn't heard from them in a long time. ("I have more important things to deal with in my life than you! You can't be the sun in everyone else's sky!" etc. etc.) This happened SO MANY times that I've just...given up. I'll never be the priority in anyone else's life that they are in mine, and I better not even dare think I'm worth their time. It's not worth the pain and effort to try anymore.

I think I'll have to just keep the purple part of my signature because there will always be people who refuse to believe me and even though the sig doesn't convince them either, at least I know I tried to warn them. I ended up having to turn off my PMs to try to further avoid such conflict. Occasionally I'd get someone asking me to turn them back on but I can't. I've lost the ability to hold a conversation because of bad experiences like these. The painful irony is that I USED to be very chatty, obnoxiously so, to the point that people would actually advise me to keep my posts/e-mails shorter or even to just shut up, period. So I slowly withdrew and forgot how to hold a conversation anymore, because everyone hated it when I was chatty and overly sociable. Yet now that I've shut up and tried to stop reaching out to others, people are irritated by that too, and when I don't immediately warm to them and start chatting, they assume I'm just a snob and must get all kinds of messages from other people because with posts as wordy as this one, no way am I as anxious as I say I am. I'm always either TOO talkative, or TOO avoidant (i. e., snobby). I can't win.

Add to all this the fact that over the years, my brain has gotten foggy and fatigued, and my perception of time has disintegrated, and I frequently lose track of how much time has passed since somebody messaged me or else I outright forget they did so, and I ask myself what is the point, I'm not meant to connect meaningfully with another person. Even my one online friend frequently goes months without hearing from me. I never get used to communicating with someone. My fear of rejection never, ever goes away. -_- (Even my last two psychologists gave up on me. So...yeah. I've learned I'm not worth anyone else's time.)

A further irony is that I keep pouring my heart out in posts like this in the hopes of connecting with someone else, but 1. very few, if any, people read this word-vomit and I can't blame them, I wouldn't read it either; 2. the rare times somebody does read it, they usually can't relate; and 3. the once in a blue moon somebody relates, I've grown too chicken to respond, so...it goes nowhere. So what's the point of me continuously typing crap like this except the fact that I'm so desperate to express myself I don't know what else to do.


I'll put this behind a spoiler because people sometimes get annoyed by these kinds of posts, and it embarrasses me to see my own walls of text taking up the page. That first user I mentioned criticized me as "abusive" for posting "novels" and forcing others to scroll past all the crap I typed. I'm not making this up, I think I screencapped it somewhere.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 01:10 PM
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You can't be mad about not having the benefits of being a warm and caring person if you act aloof, regardless of what excuse you have for being that way. We're quick to tout the benefits of being an introvert, but there are trade-offs.

There's no point in blaming other people. To someone who is not close to you, seeming cold and being cold are one and the same.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 02:00 PM
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I don't come across as cold and rude. I'm very friendly/placating, so I come across as being pathetic instead.

Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 02:52 PM
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I'm not sure how much we can change how we come across - it probably depends how severe our anxiety is to start with, our past experiences etc.

I've been pretending that I don't even have anxiety for so long that I've become very good at it. I come across usually as a friendly, open person. It's only when my anxiety gets really bad that they would notice. Plus of course if it's a situation I'd find really difficult it's possible I'd avoid it altogether - or take a Valium.

One thing for sure OP - if we always keep people at bay because we're afraid of them hurting us we'll never get to know anyone. Sometimes we have to take a chance and let people in.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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I'm not blaming anyone.

I've accepted it but sometimes I get annoyed at myself.

As the saying goes "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 07:22 PM
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I come across this way too, usually at work with clients. Which is not good. And I don't mean it. It's just how **** comes out sometimes when I'm nervous. Not sure why.

Everybody knows you only live a day but it's brilliant anyway
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-02-2020, 07:39 PM
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People who don't understand, heck even people who do understand anxiety are going to assume youre standoffish without knowing your situation, I know from experience, I ve probably come across this way to many people. You protect yourself by coming off distant rather than have people try and get to know you, maybe because like me, they'll figure out you have no personality or life, or you're afraid of being emotionally hurt.

We do it so easily, pretend and close ourselves off. I can tell you from experience, its a lonely place to be, you feel miserable, you don't give people the chance to even know you and make up their own minds about how they feel. Yes you may be protecting yourself from A holes and slimy people but you may also be protecting yourself from getting to know some good ones.

I m afraid of not being enough
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-05-2020, 09:51 AM
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I can come across rude as well. it's just how it is sometimes. try not to beat yourself up about it and learn and see what you can change for next time.


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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-05-2020, 08:22 PM
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I've been called rude in middle school, because I would never greet anyone when I see them. I've always just walked into class without saying anything to anyone and just sat at my desk silently. I can see how that would be perceived as rude, since it's usually considered common courtesy to greet teachers and classmates when seeing them (Especially in the morning). As others have mentioned however, I can't blame others for that. No one would second-guess the reason for that to be that talking to others terrifies me.



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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-06-2020, 11:43 AM
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I come across as cold and rude because I am cold and rude. I dont trust people at all. they confirm my distrust in various ways so I dont want anything to do with them.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-10-2020, 11:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tehuti88 View Post
Cont. from dumb post above.

 
It's not much different on other sites, either. Even other self-described "shy/anxious" people who'd try to contact me would get fed up with my own avoidance and move on. On Reddit, I tried a few times to fit into communities of lonely people only to be ridiculed ("You're a woman, there's no way you're truly lonely, all you have to do is speak up and your inbox will be flooded"--never mind that no, that never happened, and NONE of the people telling me this ever messaged me, themselves). One guy who I did summon the guts to reply to kept demanding that I chat with him; he wouldn't accept any of my legitimate reasons not to (not just my overwhelming anxiety, but the fact that I tend to wander away from the computer or doze off at random times, plus my computer is very crashy), and when I said I can't sustain a conversation due to my anxiety he said, "Just consider this an exposure exercise to get better at handling your anxiety!" Um, no--years of professional therapy didn't help me, so chatting with a pushy person like you definitely won't, either. He even promised to do all the chatting himself while I'd sit there silently, to which I thought, why do you even want/need me to chat with you then, if you're content talking to yourself? I ended the conversation since I don't have the heart to argue about/"defend" my mental disorder to people who simply refuse to believe I have a genuine problem. I know that eventually, even if I took him up on the offer, he'd get pushier and start getting angry about me not replying enough, and then start insulting or even harassing me, because that's exactly what happened with other people in the past.

Plus, the few users who privately reached out to me, despite the warning I put on my profile that by then I was unlikely to respond to private messages anymore, would usually end up deleting their comments and their entire accounts after perhaps a week if I didn't respond or engage in conversation. Considering that they'd usually contacted me under newly created alt accounts anyway, that made me extra suspicious about replying, since I've been trolled and harassed multiple times by users pretending to be friendly at first. (I'm supposed to just trust and pour my guts out to this random person with no posting history??--no thanks.) Random people who've replied even without any intent to correspond regularly delete their comments to me. Knowing that people are too ashamed?/embarrassed? to contact me under their real accounts, and to keep their public comments to me up, made me feel ashamed, myself; it's like I'm not good enough for others to be authentic. I ended up just turning off my private messages there, too.

I've barely even touched on the many people I tried to befriend, or who tried to befriend me, over the years, who quickly grew disappointed or bored when I wasn't as interesting as they'd thought, or who grew hostile when I was the one to ask if everything was okay when I hadn't heard from them in a long time. ("I have more important things to deal with in my life than you! You can't be the sun in everyone else's sky!" etc. etc.) This happened SO MANY times that I've just...given up. I'll never be the priority in anyone else's life that they are in mine, and I better not even dare think I'm worth their time. It's not worth the pain and effort to try anymore.

I think I'll have to just keep the purple part of my signature because there will always be people who refuse to believe me and even though the sig doesn't convince them either, at least I know I tried to warn them. I ended up having to turn off my PMs to try to further avoid such conflict. Occasionally I'd get someone asking me to turn them back on but I can't. I've lost the ability to hold a conversation because of bad experiences like these. The painful irony is that I USED to be very chatty, obnoxiously so, to the point that people would actually advise me to keep my posts/e-mails shorter or even to just shut up, period. So I slowly withdrew and forgot how to hold a conversation anymore, because everyone hated it when I was chatty and overly sociable. Yet now that I've shut up and tried to stop reaching out to others, people are irritated by that too, and when I don't immediately warm to them and start chatting, they assume I'm just a snob and must get all kinds of messages from other people because with posts as wordy as this one, no way am I as anxious as I say I am. I'm always either TOO talkative, or TOO avoidant (i. e., snobby). I can't win.

Add to all this the fact that over the years, my brain has gotten foggy and fatigued, and my perception of time has disintegrated, and I frequently lose track of how much time has passed since somebody messaged me or else I outright forget they did so, and I ask myself what is the point, I'm not meant to connect meaningfully with another person. Even my one online friend frequently goes months without hearing from me. I never get used to communicating with someone. My fear of rejection never, ever goes away. -_- (Even my last two psychologists gave up on me. So...yeah. I've learned I'm not worth anyone else's time.)

A further irony is that I keep pouring my heart out in posts like this in the hopes of connecting with someone else, but 1. very few, if any, people read this word-vomit and I can't blame them, I wouldn't read it either; 2. the rare times somebody does read it, they usually can't relate; and 3. the once in a blue moon somebody relates, I've grown too chicken to respond, so...it goes nowhere. So what's the point of me continuously typing crap like this except the fact that I'm so desperate to express myself I don't know what else to do.


I'll put this behind a spoiler because people sometimes get annoyed by these kinds of posts, and it embarrasses me to see my own walls of text taking up the page. That first user I mentioned criticized me as "abusive" for posting "novels" and forcing others to scroll past all the crap I typed. I'm not making this up, I think I screencapped it somewhere.
This sounds a lot like me. Its very rare that I will actually reply to any discussions or topics because I am so anxious about how people respond to me. I usually just get ignored. In more recent times I have pushed myself a bit to one in a while actually respond but it still gives me anxiety. Usually I respond to topics on myfitnesspal. This is my first post on sas!

Back in high school I definitely came across as cold and rude because I was so quiet and had said anything. The people in my form class thought I was a snobby ***** and the girls bullied me calling me names and saying I smelt like a cat etc. So damn rude. And I mean all of the girls joined in because of these 2 girls who were 'leaders' although the guys were nice when the girls weren't around. Later in university I didn't get bullied, I'd just get excluded from groups and ignored etc because I was quiet and because I have resting ***** face lol. When I eventually started working it wasn't too bad though because I have worked on reception and I basically just put on my 'work face' and clients, co-workers etc all think I'm lovely and friendly lol. The moment I'd leave work it was back to resting ***** face and looking unapproachable and my lip ring helped with that too lol.

These days I'm really good at putting on my 'work face' when required. Its become second nature to me. I wish I had a job now actually because I hate staying home with no one to talk to but then I hate having to talk at work lol. I don't even know when I developed my 'work face' but it definitely helps me be more approachable and appear less cold and rude. Now I'm rambling on!
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-14-2020, 03:34 PM
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Yea I do. I usually walk in front of people without even saying excuse me, not to try to be rude but because the words won’t come out and I usually want to get out of a public place as soon as possible.. just happened in the grocery store twice; got dirty looks.
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