It's not much different on other sites, either. Even other self-described "shy/anxious" people who'd try to contact me would get fed up with my own avoidance and move on. On Reddit, I tried a few times to fit into communities of lonely people only to be ridiculed ("You're a woman, there's no way you're truly lonely, all you have to do is speak up and your inbox will be flooded"--never mind that no, that never happened, and NONE of the people telling me this ever messaged me, themselves). One guy who I did summon the guts to reply to kept demanding that I chat with him; he wouldn't accept any of my legitimate reasons not to (not just my overwhelming anxiety, but the fact that I tend to wander away from the computer or doze off at random times, plus my computer is very crashy), and when I said I can't sustain a conversation due to my anxiety he said, "Just consider this an exposure exercise to get better at handling your anxiety!" Um, no--years of professional therapy didn't help me, so chatting with a pushy person like you definitely won't, either. He even promised to do all the chatting himself while I'd sit there silently, to which I thought, why do you even want/need me to chat with you then, if you're content talking to yourself? I ended the conversation since I don't have the heart to argue about/"defend" my mental disorder to people who simply refuse to believe I have a genuine problem. I know that eventually, even if I took him up on the offer, he'd get pushier and start getting angry about me not replying enough, and then start insulting or even harassing me, because that's exactly what happened with other people in the past.
Plus, the few users who privately reached out to me, despite the warning I put on my profile that by then I was unlikely to respond to private messages anymore, would usually end up deleting their comments and their entire accounts
after perhaps a week if I didn't respond or engage in conversation. Considering that they'd usually contacted me under newly created alt accounts anyway, that made me extra suspicious about replying, since I've been trolled and harassed multiple times by users pretending to be friendly at first. (I'm supposed to just trust and pour my guts out to this random person with no posting history??--no thanks.) Random people who've replied even without any intent to correspond regularly delete their comments to me.
Knowing that people are too ashamed?/embarrassed? to contact me under their real accounts, and to keep their public comments to me up, made me feel ashamed, myself; it's like I'm not good enough for others to be authentic. I ended up just turning off my private messages there, too.
I've barely even touched on the many people I tried to befriend, or who tried to befriend me, over the years, who quickly grew disappointed or bored when I wasn't as interesting as they'd thought, or who grew hostile when I
was the one to ask if everything was okay when I hadn't heard from them
in a long time. ("I have more important things to deal with in my life than you! You can't be the sun in everyone else's sky!" etc. etc.) This happened SO MANY times that I've just...given up. I'll never be the priority in anyone else's life that they are in mine, and I better not even dare
think I'm worth their time. It's not worth the pain and effort to try anymore.
I think I'll have to just keep the purple part of my signature because there will always be people who refuse to believe me and even though the sig doesn't convince them either, at least I know I tried to warn them. I ended up having to turn off my PMs to try to further avoid such conflict. Occasionally I'd get someone asking me to turn them back on but I can't. I've lost the ability to hold a conversation because of bad experiences like these. The painful irony is that I USED to be very chatty, obnoxiously so, to the point that people would actually advise me to keep my posts/e-mails shorter
or even to just shut up
, period. So I slowly withdrew and forgot how to hold a conversation anymore, because everyone hated it when I was chatty and overly sociable. Yet now that I've shut up and tried to stop reaching out to others, people are irritated by that too, and when I don't immediately warm to them and start chatting, they assume I'm just a snob and must get all kinds of messages from other people because with posts as wordy as this one, no way am I as anxious as I say I am. I'm always either TOO talkative, or TOO avoidant (i. e., snobby). I can't win.
Add to all this the fact that over the years, my brain has gotten foggy and fatigued, and my perception of time has disintegrated, and I frequently lose track of how much time has passed since somebody messaged me or else I outright forget they did so, and I ask myself what is the point, I'm not meant to connect meaningfully with another person. Even my one online friend frequently goes months without hearing from me. I never
get used to communicating with someone. My fear of rejection never, ever goes away. -_- (Even my last two psychologists gave up on me. So...yeah. I've learned I'm not worth anyone
A further irony is that I keep pouring my heart out in posts like this in the hopes of connecting with someone else, but 1. very few, if any, people read this word-vomit and I can't blame them, I wouldn't read it either; 2. the rare times somebody does read it, they usually can't relate; and 3. the once in a blue moon somebody relates, I've grown too chicken to respond, so...it goes nowhere. So what's the point of me continuously typing crap like this except the fact that I'm so desperate to express myself I don't know what else to do.
I'll put this behind a spoiler because people sometimes get annoyed by these kinds of posts, and it embarrasses me to see my own walls of text taking up the page. That first user I mentioned criticized me as "abusive" for posting "novels" and forcing others to scroll past all the crap I typed. I'm not making this up, I think I screencapped it somewhere.