Dunno where this goes but whatever.
I'm not really depressed. Yesterday I was just being a goofball listening to Katy Perry's - Fireworks (It's my guilty pleasure), today I've been happy too. Only problem my body wants to feel like crap from the flu I'm getting over so I haven't been goofing off as much. Through all this alleged happiness I've been suicidal. Not full blown suicidal, but just thinking about what life would be like if I did kill myself (or what it was not be
), how I'd do it, why and when. I'm not actually planning it out just mostly thinking about it. Me being suicidal isn't anything new, I've dealt with this a lot over my life.
But I'm starting to think I've dug myself into too deep. I don't know if I'll be able to change. My mind is changing and I'm just starting to develop weird some thoughts. In a way I'm fearful I'll turn into some kind of sex offender or something (I've always been fearful that I'll turn into a menace or hermit or something). I've also kind of lost myself. I no longer understand what it is I feel.
It's all very vague but I don't really understand what I'm trying to convey. I still love life and find it interesting. But I've lost the things I love. I no longer have these ambitions that I used to. I'm starting to think life is no longer worth it, it's either just becoming very boring or I'm just a nut job. I'm afraid I lost something and all thats left is something shallow and hallow. Which will only evolve into something I can no longer recover from.
TLDR: Can you be suicidal without being depressed? You can just read the title and respond to this thread if you like.
I'll answer it a bit myself. I guess you could say it would be a way for me to see if people would truly miss me. Like my coworkers and family. It would the the ultimate way to see if people did truly like me and all the feelings that "People are just nice to me because I'm weird" or whatever were just feelings of paranoia. They had no substantial backing other than my own brain implanting negative thoughts into itself.
It could also just be me making myself feel like I'm bigger than I really am. I can do whatever with my life and no one can stop me. Or maybe it would just be me seeing if people would still write "Happy birthday" on my facebook wall after I'm dead