bad day at the doctor
i've had a rough day. i had an appointment with my doctor today and i left his office feeling depressed and frustrated and generally awful. my dose of wellbutrin will go up to 300mgs and i will stay on 20 mgs lexapro. this is more or less what i expected. however, i was finally honest with my doctor. i told him that i've been really struggling lately. and not just lately. it's been 4 years really since i was functional in any kind of productive way. i was thinking about that earlier today. it has been since fall of 2002 that i have been basically incapacitated by my anxiety. since then i've been through 6 antidepressant meds and 3 therapists. none of these has really changed anything for the better. and now more than ever i need to be functional. i am struggling financially. and have recently lost my health insurance coverage as well. so the need for me to get a job, to be successfully independent, is greater than ever. urgent really. and yet i don't know how. my anxiety prevents me from it. and in 4 years of trying so many different things, nothing has made those things possible. i don't know what to do. i feel so stuck, trapped. and frustrated. at both medicine and doctors and at myself. even seeking help by going to see my doctor or a therapist, is difficult for me because of the anxiety. even making the phone call to set up the appointments. and now, when i need more than ever to change these things, to improve, i am least able to. because i have little money for medications and no money at all for therapy. i told all this to my doctor. but he has no answers. and i know it's not his job to have them. he tells me medication can only help so much. and that it is more effective in combination with therapy. but i can't afford therapy. and even if i could, it has never worked for me in the past. he doesn't think it's worth trying another antidepressant. that i'm getting as much out of lexapro as i'm going to with any of them. and he's probably right, that's the discouraging thing. i feel like i have nowhere to turn, nothing else to try. i have to get better in order to find a job and health insurance. and yet i have to have money and health coverage before i can see the psychiatrists and therapists who can help me get better. and since neither can come first, nothing changes. i am so discouraged. i can see another 4 years passing this way. with me no more functional than i have been in the last 4. and i'm scared of that. i don't want that. is there nothing i can do to enable myself to do the things that other people do in life? to find and have a job. to take my child to a playgroup. to make a simple phone call. i haven't been able to accomplish these things in 4 years of trying. if we've exhausted the medications we can try and therapy is not an option right now (and hasn't been effective in the past), what am i left with? what can i do? i can't change on my own, i have already tried for 4 years unsuccessfully. and if, as my doctor says, he can't give me any other medicines to help me, then i will by default stay the same. i can't do it myself and medicine can't do it either. what am i to do? will i be this way always? i don't want to believe that, but i feel so discouraged, so trapped and frustrated. i've been tolerating my current state alright for 4 years. and i know i could do it for much longer. but it's barely living really. barely functioning. not working, very isolated, very avoidant. i don't want to be that way any longer. but i see no way for it to improve. i don't want to be like this. i don't want to be like me. i want to live. i want to improve my life, my child's life. i want to be a part of the world. not hiding away. not watching. but it has been 4 years since i've had that at all. and it all feels further away than ever.
sorry, i just needed to get all that out there. if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, i welcome them. thanks.