Appear happy on the outside. Lonely and depressed inside.
I apologise for the length of this question and I know that for some it may be far too tedious to read and I completely understand. However I feel that if I didn't write the question to its full length then the full extend of my story/problem wouldn't be understood. I also hope that this can help anyone who may be in a similar situation and happens to come by reading this page.
To introduce myself; I'm 23 and I'm starting to feel like nothing's worth it anymore.
Throughout my day to day I'm the happy go lucky character, always cracking jokes and quips and being loveable and fun with friends, I doubt many people, if even any suspect anything otherwise. Yet despite appearing to be this guy, night after night after night it's always the same. I'm sitting typing this around 1am and all I can do is sit up late and contemplate life, which never seems to be positive. I can actually convince myself that I'm happy sometimes when I'm out in my day to day but the real person inside of me is sad, lonely and depressed with so much fear and anxiety about life and it all comes out when I'm alone with only my own thoughts every night.
I'm currently a student in my 4th year of University, hopefully going to go on and get a masters. You'd think I'd feel good about life. But most of my time is spent moping and feeling down when I'm alone. I can barely muster up the energy to do my work or go to the gym what have you. I've been winging University always completing tasks at the last minute. Recently I go through periods where I just can't find the energy to get through the day. I skip class and so many of my responsibilities. I feel I have to sleep too much or too little. The days where I can get up and face the world are becoming selective, a lot of the time I have to just hide under the covers and stay in bed and drown my sorrows.
I've had no job all throughout my entire student career and have been trying for years with no success. I've filled in countless applications, had so much advice on fixing my C.V. etc. I've even had a few interviews from time to time and never seem to make it past them. Having no money is a real confidence destroyer when want to date.
I'm a virgin and never had a girlfriend. The whole world is none the wiser to this secret but yet the internal humiliation day in day out is killing me. I constantly think about how embarrassing it is. I am becoming more and more conscious to the fact that I may actually be afraid of sex. It feels like everyone has done it by now, even a lot of people who are shy, have anxiety and are intimidated by the opposite sex like me have lost their virginity. Most people have stories of what they did, who they did it with, where they did it, how they did it. Whenever I hear people talk about their sex lives it fills me with anxiety.
I subconsciously don't want to meet women and fear intimacy due to the thought of being exposed as a virgin and the intimidation factor that she'll probably have an experienced sex life involving different positions, toys, locations etc. And with different men (who may have had a better body or was more successful than I am) who blew her mind and made the best love to her or had the dirtiest/kinkiest experiences with her. All of this scares the **** of me when I think of the fact that I've done nothing and probably still won't have for a while. I'd happily live in an isolated world where I don't have to face any of these fears and stay single forever but society won't allow this. If I become a middle aged/old man who is virgin and has never been in a relationship I'll be even more of a freak. I'm aware of how ****ed up this probably reads to normal people.
I've never had much self esteem. For as long as I can remember I've had a weak sense of self. I thought as a child/teenager this had hit its peak and that as an adult I'd grow stronger. This isn't the case. It's funny I was always the quiet kid who was shy, ugly and didn't have a lot of friends and was bullied at times. Now my social circle is much more expansive, I'm more relaxed with meeting strangers, people find me charming and funny and I've even blossomed somewhat and appear more handsome and women have told me I'm attractive. The only area of my social skills that I still lack in is talking women and sexually escalating conversation. Despite making progression however, I feel like I've hit real depression, which I never had this bad when I was younger. There have been points in my adolescent/adults years where I've felt like I overcame all my issues, but I was living a lie. The bad feelings were really just suppressed. All of my pain has always been there, it's only recently it has came up to the surface this bad.
I strive to be a good man, but dwell on past mistakes and feel like I'm not worthy of being a good person at times. Whenever I hear of or get the feeling that someone doesn't like me my anxiety increases. I tell myself not to care what they think but the reality is I do.
Past experiences of being bullied subsciously still have an effect on me. Memories that I am conscious of make me angry and feel pathetic and unsafe.
I live with a family who I love but also despise a lot of the time, especially my father. I feel guilty writing this because I love my family and know they love me but the majority of our history has always been a dysfunctional relationship. I've always been abused emotionally and verbally by them and as much as I hate to admit it I am also guilty of giving it back. I can't talk to them, not really. We just live together as roommates and get by. I feel like I don't even know them anymore or myself.
I don't feel like there's anyone in life I can really talk to as my friends have come to know a man with a mask on, not the real depressed human being deep down inside. I know they care but they wouldn't understand. Their advice would be in the best intentions I know, but I don't anyone who is a real psychologist so I doubt it wouldn't be anything I have heard before.
Only in the past couple of years have I started to go through these struggling periods I mentioned earlier. No energy, feeling sad etc. I've even started to have thoughts of suicide. Imagining how peaceful life would be dead. Just rest with no more pain. Then I realise that's not life anymore but genuine death and I become scared of myself and my own mind. The thought of going through the act of killing myself is always like being hit with a tonne of bricks and I'm brought back to reality due to the fear. Deep down I know I couldn't go through the act of killing myself and it makes me feel like a bull****ter who is just overly moping. I think I really just want attention when I have these thoughts. This makes me even more frustrated because I know I'm in pain but wonder if I'm even deservant of it as I know there are people out there who have it much worse than me.
I only go through periods of extreme depressions but they always come back. Every few months or so I'll feel at my absolute worst for a certain number of days/weeks, then "get over it". I'll be "fine" for a few months but deep down I always know it's still there. I pretend everything's alright, try and laugh it off but in the end my demons always eat me up.
This is difficult to describe but I feel like I'm actually attached to my pain, as it's all I've ever known. Subconsciously I wonder if I even want to be happy.
Am I really depressed? Truth is I don't even know if I am. I'd imagine if I was it would be 24/7 constantly. I know most people go through periods of depression when life gets you down but with me my main worry is that this is becoming a recurring theme. Even when I'm not going through those days/weeks when I consider the possibility of suicide, life never really feels good, it just isn't at its worst.
I apologise again for the length. I come to this form for advice and what I can possibly do to seek help. I admit writing this was also partly to vent emotion but I do appreciate anyone's advice and your time. I hope this can help anyone who happens to come across this page.
Thanks for reading.