Hoping someone will see this and offer some kind words. Or maybe just writing it out will help me.
For 15 years I battled depression, saw numerous therapists, was prescribed numerous anti depressants.
In the past 3 years I have successfully been able to wean myself off of them, and I felt so proud of myself. I didn't need them anymore and I felt free. I hated being dependent on taking a pill every day to feel normal. I also hated the withdrawal that I went though when I ran out of my pills (ended up in the ER multiple times from effexor and venlafaxine)
And I felt great for a while.
Recently though, there have been a lot of changes in my life, I moved back in with my mom (I'm 29), my cat ran away for 26 days (she's back now), I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. These things may seem minor. I'm not trying to say that my problems are worse than anyone else's because they are certainly not. But, for the past 3 months I have been experiencing debilitating anxiety. Every night without fail, around the same time, anxiety hits me out of seemingly nowhere. I can't eat, can't sleep, fluctuate rapidly between being too hot and too cold. My heart races.
I never had so much anxiety before in my life. It seems that the anxiety has taken place of the depression.
My problem is, I do not have health insurance.
I have already been to a walk in clinic in my neighborhood and surprisingly they were very nice and did give me a script for alprazolam, but with no refills.
This was maybe 2 weeks ago, and here I am with ~10 pills left.
I have an appointment to see a doctor on July 30th, but I am worried it is not soon enough.
I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life. I don't want to take pills at all.
But nothing else seems to help.
And the most frustrating thing is that I know I have a great life and I am blessed with a roof over my head and family and friends that love me. So why do I still feel anxious?
I beat myself up over it.
I wake up at 6am (not normal for me) and walk around my neighborhood and that seems to temporarily help.
I am having an internal struggle because I am desperate to not feel like **** and just feel normal but I don't want to rely on taking a pill everyday to feel ok.
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