Am I being rude? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Am I being rude?

Hey guys, so I met this guy on tinder about two weeks ago and we started talking. He seemed to be pretty sweet so we decided to meet in person at starbucks. The thing is that he is literally just like me. He is shy, awkward, and full of anxiety just like me. I guess I have never seen these traits manifested in someone else besides me and for some reason it makes me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. He is a gentleman and is the type of person parents would want their kid to date. I guess all the right ingredients are there but for some reason I'm not feeling any sparks. I guess he is too awkward for me despite being awkward myself. I know that sounds hypocritical but I'm just not feeling it. He asked me if I wanted to go on a second date and I'm conflicted. On the one hand I am not really feeling it and I dont want to lead him on but he is also a genuinely sweet guy and I dont want to hurt his feelings. I guess maybe he just isnt my type. I dont really know what my type is considering that he is my first date. Maybe I'm being too superficial. Why is the fact that this guy is super nice turning me off? This makes no sense....Anyway should I go put on another date with this guy or not go out again. If I decide not to go out again, what should I tell him?
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 01:28 PM
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You can't help what you're attracted to. It's not rude and you don't have to feel like you should go on another date. If you don't want to then don't. You could just tell him you didn't feel anything towards him, but you think he's a nice guy etc

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 01:38 PM
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Um well is there a nice way to do that, you could tell him "You're a nice guy, I like you with my brain, but sorry not feeling it in my ovaries & it's 2 against 1" ..IDK shift blame to other body parts, I'm bad at this.

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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 03:50 PM
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If you're not feeling it, it's nicer (or "less rude") to let him down now rather than falsely dragging it out hoping for your feelings to change.

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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 06:38 AM
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Some people may grow on you over months, and I think shy/anxious people generally require that kind of time because we don't open up quick. But since he's a tinder date, time isn't really an option and you have to tell him you're not feeling it.

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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 09:17 AM
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Would you feel differently about him if he played hard to get? What if he was confident? Is he good looking? His confidence will show up over time as he gets to know you and feel more comfortable around you.

If you are genuinely just not interested, just let him know. I think it's better to be honest, so he's not waiting and wondering. But, let him down gently.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 10:38 AM
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Your only options are to either attempt at sticking it out and see if the second date changes your mind, or let it go and tell him sooner rather than later. If you're certain that you are not going to progress anywhere with it then do the latter and call it a day. It's not fair on either side to hold on when each are at a disadvantage (you not being attracted and him thinking otherwise.) I've been there and it only had one outcome when holding on.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 10:49 AM
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Well, depending on him, there's probably not a way to say it that won't have a chance at seeming rude but if you're not feeling it you're not feeling it.


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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 11:00 AM
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I agree with chancing another date. But it just depends on how that makes you feel. If there's no chemistry then make up an excuse to get away from him. Idk, if I don't like someone I just avoid them.

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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 11:06 AM
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It sounds like you're considering a second date only because you want to avoid hurting this guy. In that case, I would say it's really not worth it. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 01:24 PM
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It's not rude to not be attracted to someone. And it's also not rude to not like seeing parts of your personality flaws you dislike in someone else. Basically if you're not into him, contact him and politely decline another date. Or you could give it more time and see if you start feeling it.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 03:19 PM

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Unless you're absolutely certain that you're not into him, maybe go on another date and see. If nothing changes, then you'll have to tell him how you feel. You both could be friends though.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 03:21 PM
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I'm certain I replied here. Something fishy is going on!
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 08:14 PM
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Just because he is a nice guy doesn't mean you have to be stuck with someone you have no romantic feelings for. Be honest and tell him your not feeling it so there won't be a second date. It sucks if he gets hurt but that's not your fault.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2019, 10:47 PM
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A problem i had that I noticed is that opposite's attract and if you both have similar anxiety and shyness, that can be an odd mix. As weird as this sounds, if you are awkward and shy, i would try to meet someone who is the opposite of you, i am just speaking from experience. Even if that person is outgoing, everyone is screwed up on some level. My point is, just because you are shy and awkward does not mean you cannot date someone who is the life of the party. I have done it before I mean I have not dated in a year but I am the shyest most awkward person ever and would physically shake and sweat profusely under my arms and still dated a few gorgeous outgoing women. My point is, in the future i would not look for guys with your same set of issues or same personality as weird as that sounds.

You could give the guy one more chance. That first date could not have been an accurate representation of him. If he was very sweet and nice and kind, to me, sorry but those are the most off-putting traits ever. I am totally into "bad girls" Like girls who keep me on the edge of my seat. They tend to drink smoke and drive fast. I might be done with dating but my point is maybe you were just annoyed by his kindness. I don't respond well to polite people, they drive me up the wall
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