always worried about fitting in - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 07-19-2017, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
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always worried about fitting in


hello,

i am a teenage girl going to grade 11 next year. my mom loves me, i know that, but she also shouts at me a lot. our house is an absolute mess and i have never had anyone over. i haven't ever had a serious friendship and i feel like when i am outside amongst other people i can never really open up - i always try forming clever and witty things to say in my head word-for-word, i say carefully placed strategic sentences maybe some three four times and go home and consider that as a social interaction. i really just want to open up, do small talk easy peasy without worrying about what others are going to say. i always feel inferior to others because they have got good phones and clean homes and things that i don't have. i feel less than everyone else when i see them in full makeup and out at expensive restaurants. what do i do? i love myself but sometimes i just feel that i am not as important as they are. i know it's nothing like that - i know i've got my own life and just because i don't have money doesn't mean i'm worthless. but i just can't get to grips with the fact that i will never really be able to open up to anyone because of this issue with my dirty house, and the fact that i can't go out to nice places to eat and whatever. i feel different and i know i'm different. my mom is acting petty right now because of a mistake i did. i also feel i cant control my emotions - when my mom gets mad and screams at me later when she's calmed down she says "oh you know it's the only way i can cope otherwise i will go mad" and these kind of things. i know i can't fix her. the only thing i can fix is my response, and currently my response is to go bawl in the bathroom when she is outside. i can never open up to people, tell them about my life or anything. i want to live a carefree high school life - and i never felt like i belonged with my classmates. i always feel like i have a dirty disgusting secret that no one should know about. i hate how my problem is controlling my life. my mind is making me separate from everyone else. i hate how i am striving so hard day by day for acceptance, and for what? i am just not getting anywhere. i hate how i react - i always cry about "i don't have any friends" and whatever and it just makes me sick to think of. i look at other girls and wish i was like them and had their kind of lives, homes, cars, social skills ... and i am fed up. if you have any advice that works for you, feel free to post it here
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