A blockage, a battle - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2008, 05:28 AM Thread Starter
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A blockage, a battle


A follow up to http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...have-sa-53896/

I think have a better way to explain how i feel now.

I feel something inside me thats blocking my emotions and my personality from coming out. It's like theres a burden inside of me thats blocking my real self from coming out. I can't even feel my SA anymore. I don't even feel anything when i'm around people. I just feel that I'm there, but no one sees me, yet my conscious odesnt know that. so i just stare at people without even knowing thati 'm doing it. I feel like i'm going insane. I feel my brain is blocking the chemiclas that come out when i'm shocked. What's that called? anyways, it's like i have no reactions or feelings.

Let's say some hot dude comes up to me and says he loves me or something. My brain wont respond to it. My reaction would probably be.. well.. nothing. I'd probably say something like "oh..lol" but not feel it. Like nothing happened. It's like blocking everything from the outside. I can't even think on the inside anymore. my mind is too lazy or has this problem where it cares too little about what people think about me, but also i feel my mind is screwed up. I feel blurry. When I think, i even slur in my thinking. cuz you know how when you think, you're talking in your mind. but for some reason, now when i think, i'm stuttering and slurring when i'm thinking to myself and i cant even think properly. It's like i'm forgetting all my senses and all of my coolness and my personality is fading away. Every second of my life, I always feel a burden in my soul. I feel something, i dont know what, that is blocking my mind from opening and being sane. I'm always feeling something.. a pain in my soul.. I always subtlely feel like i'm on the brink of crying but then the feeling is not great enough for me to do it. It's like i feel things in my soul on the inside, but something on the border of it is blocking them from me fulling feeling it.

Maybe it's my low self esteem? But then again, i dont feel anything. My brain isnt functioning properly. I feel i dont have a personatliy.

And when I talk, i feel like it's not me talking. It's someone else. It's the person with no sense talking.

Like i said before, i never know whats going on around me. I mean, when i had SA, i knew every single thing that was going on around me. I was always worried about how everyone around me would think of me, and i was always trying to prevent myself from doing something stupid or humiliating. but now. I don;t feel like that anymore. I'm contstantly doing humiliating things without even knowing it. If i was still SANE, and if i was how i was before, i wouldnt even do those things. NO WAY!!

I think my brain is.. lazy in a way. I think maybe when something shocking happens, my brain is too lazy to respond to it, so it doesnt respond at all. I really dont know whats going on in my brain.

I dont even know who i am anymore. All of my character traits that i used to have are all gone. I mean, i think my true self is still somewhere inside of me, but theres nothing i can think or do that will trigger it to come out again.

I feel no adrenaline. No chemicals in my brain. I mean i really feel there is something blocking my brain from fully realizing and seeing whats around me. but i dont know what. Sometimes i feel my SA, but then as soon as i feel it for 1 second, it's gone. my brain just goes blank. The burden takes over. The blurryness and the unclearness takes over.

When i look at someone, i'm not really looking at them. Physically i am, but in my mind, i dont see them.

I mean when i had SA, i never looked at people in the face. I'd be so scared that they would think i'm a total weirdo (and they would have if i just stared at them for no reason). but now i'm just doing it without thinking. I'm constantly in my own dreamland, except the dreamland has nothing in it. I'm lost in my mind. I'm battling with my mind on something. I dont know what. What should i do?

and someone said that it's because i'm thinking too much and worrying too much about what to say so my mind wud just blank. but thats NOT IT!!! it's the opposite!! I mean sometimes i want to say something, but then when i try to think about what i'm saying, my mouth would just say it. It's like my soul is too lazy to overlook and what i'm saying. It's like my mind doesnt want to think anymore, so it just goes on standby mode, and then something else takes over. If i'm giong to speak in front of the class, I don't even think about how i'm gonna look. I mean I feel that something in my wants to, but then my lazy mind overrides it and so i don't feel fear or anxiety anymore. It's like when you're constantly thinking about your boyfriend or girlfriend, you dont really care or think about whats going on around you. I feel the same way, except i'm not thinking. My mind is just shut off. Is it becasue of excessive SA in the past, so now i have mental fatigue? or is it something else? Do i have a mental problem?

I feel the personality inside me, the true me, inside me, wanting to come out all the time. but then my tired and lazy mind just overrides it and just blocks it completely. I have no attention span. When my mother is talking, or when my teachers are talking, i pay no attnetion to them. I mean i do, for a second, but then my mind just goes back to blank/stupid mode.

Is it because i have no confidence on being who i really am? i am sometimes, i do, but then when i face it at school, i go back to my shell, and my mind gets blurry and lazy again. I feel this tingly feeling inside of me, a feeling of sadness and pain, a feeling of regret from my past from SA, but its so subtle because my mind is too unclear.

It's like theres something blocking me from coming out AND my mind is just too lazy and unrespondive. Is there something i can do to make me more aware of whats aroudn me and more confident of who i am? I mean, when i'm talking, i do get a bit of Sa because sometimes i feel like what i'm saying wont make sense. and it usually doesnt. but then i also sometimes feel like its not me thats talking, its just my brain with no personality thats takling. I feel some SA inside of me, but it's not completely taking over my mind. instead, something else, like fatigue, or brain laziness is taking over. what is it?!

and YES, i do friggin sports but they dont help. I still feel this blury mind, and i still dont feel my mind opening up or anything.

This is affectinng my life. Is it because for the past 2 years, SA took over my life, so my brain got sick of it so it just shut down and got blurry so it wont feel the SA anymore?? i dont know.

Edit:: I feel that i can't feel emotions as much as i used to. i'm never very happy, very angry, or anything. its like i'm too afraid to feel those feelings. and i've also noticed that when i interact or communicate with other people, i dont feel consciously there. i feel like i'm not the one thats controlling my actions. i never do anything spontaneous. i'm not controlling my life. my blank mind and subtle SA is.
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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2008, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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yes it's a long and redundant post but someone plase help!!
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2008, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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bumps again.. maybe i wrote this thread in the wrong forum.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2008, 02:22 PM
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This is the right forum but I don't know what to tell you. Depression? Sometimes I feel the same way but I mostly feel like everything is pointless and I have no motivation to do anything. Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist or something.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2008, 05:59 PM
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I think I know a bit where you're coming from. Around the time I started developing SA symptoms, I'd get these weird feelings. At first I passed them off for being tired, but now they'll go on for hours on end. It's like I'm on autopilot--I mean, I'll be at work talking about some book or whatever and I can only hear myself. I don't know what I'm saying, what the customer's saying, what music is playing, what I'm doing with my hands/arms/legs/whatever--I'm completely oblivious to the world around me, but I know I'm doing something. It's just...strange.

I guess I don't really have any explanation at all. Maybe it's related to depression, stress, exhaustion...or who knows, maybe it's some sort of defensive method for separating yourself from other people while still interacting with them?
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2008, 06:08 PM
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It sounds like you are in a constant state of avoidance, not in the moment. Why? Probably because you feel uncomfortable with the social situation. If you are depressed, your body can put you in this emotional state of avoidance/denial. I used to be in a dreamlike state 24/7 due to stress and depression. I hope you get some treatment...reading or talking to someone or going to a doctor. Good luck.

Anxiety-free since a quarter a' three...
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-01-2008, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by FairleighCalm View Post
It sounds like you are in a constant state of avoidance, not in the moment. Why? Probably because you feel uncomfortable with the social situation. If you are depressed, your body can put you in this emotional state of avoidance/denial.
but the thing is, i'm not even TRYING to avoid people or deny them. It's just that i feel theyre not even there and that what i say never matters and my mind gets lazy so it wont even listen or see what the people are saying. i dont know.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-02-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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ist it the fact that you're trying too hard to experience emotions? you have this self counciosness turned on all the time, constantly observing yourself? i wrote something here http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...ing-new-54363/ i think its somehow related.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-02-2008, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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ist it the fact that you're trying too hard to experience emotions? you have this self counciosness turned on all the time, constantly observing yourself? i wrote something here http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...ing-new-54363/ i think its somehow related.
hmm..
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-04-2008, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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this feeling is killing me. im going insane. i'm crying every night because of this. i'm also feeling this feeling of regret and sadness deep inside of me that is preventing me from feeling anything or doing anything or concentrating. it makes me cry a lot. every second of my life now, i feel this terrible sublte feeling, but it is so effective in my soul that is affecting my whole life and the way i act and feel. would expressing to a therapist help maybe? what about meditation? idk
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-04-2008, 12:58 PM
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this feeling is killing me. im going insane. i'm crying every night because of this. i'm also feeling this feeling of regret and sadness deep inside of me that is preventing me from feeling anything or doing anything or concentrating. it makes me cry a lot. every second of my life now, i feel this terrible sublte feeling, but it is so effective in my soul that is affecting my whole life and the way i act and feel. would expressing to a therapist help maybe? what about meditation? idk
I can definetly relate as I have some of the same problems. Go to therapy to seek the help you need, go exercise and change your diet, start taking supplements, and meditate if you can do it. Do what is necessary to get your life in order, you can do this, we all can. Many people can't take that first step, and once you do you may never look back. Be patient, the more you wait the worse it will consume you. Don't be a prisoner of your own mind, I hope you seek the help you need
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-05-2008, 08:23 AM Thread Starter
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i hope therapy works its my only chance for now.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-07-2008, 03:00 PM
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I don't have much time at the moment, but later I'll come back and read everything here...but I read a little bit and from what I read it reminds me of myself a little and also, depression and/or depersonalization/derealization.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-07-2008, 04:59 PM
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I have very similar thoughts/experiences...I myself try to explain something like this but it's so confusing that I can't explain...I read about derealization/depersonalization and think it sounds a little like me but it's like, it's not that severe enough or whatever to be that...it's different. And maybe it could be depression, but I can be happy. Sometimes I feel like I can feel an emotion, or act it...but it doesn't feel deep enough. Kind of like something is missing. I used to feel anxious alot too around people, but now I don't much...and I wonder what is wrong?? how can I just overcome SA so fast like that??.... I have been at home most of the time for the past 4-5 years...not really around people...only sometimes I may actually feel anxious. It's like...there was something wrong when I felt like I had SA, and now there's something wrong now that I feel as if I don't. That doesn't even make sense! I know there's still something wrong with me...and I avoid everything mostly, even if I feel like it wouldn't really cause me anxiety, but it "normally" would have. Sometimes I can't remember what someone looked like, or what their voice was like...but I have a vague idea. I get into very confused thinking sometimes, at the same time I wonder if I really am confused or if I'm just saying i am confused for whatever reason, but I don't know why I would do that.

I just thought I'd share a little bit of my thoughts about my situation, because I can relate to you...I have so many thoughts that revolve around this.

If you ever figure out exactly what the cause of it is, I'd like to know and the same for me, if I ever find out more info, I'll let you know, if I remember.

Also, if I have time, and gather more of my thoughts and stuff I've written down before, if you really want to know, I'll share more of what goes on in my head about all this.

http://www.panic-anxiety.com/deperso...derealization/ You might like to look at this website and see if you can relate to those at all.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-08-2008, 08:21 AM Thread Starter
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I have very similar thoughts/experiences...I myself try to explain something like this but it's so confusing that I can't explain...I read about derealization/depersonalization and think it sounds a little like me but it's like, it's not that severe enough or whatever to be that...it's different. And maybe it could be depression, but I can be happy. Sometimes I feel like I can feel an emotion, or act it...but it doesn't feel deep enough. Kind of like something is missing. I used to feel anxious alot too around people, but now I don't much...and I wonder what is wrong?? how can I just overcome SA so fast like that??.... I have been at home most of the time for the past 4-5 years...not really around people...only sometimes I may actually feel anxious. It's like...there was something wrong when I felt like I had SA, and now there's something wrong now that I feel as if I don't. That doesn't even make sense! I know there's still something wrong with me...and I avoid everything mostly, even if I feel like it wouldn't really cause me anxiety, but it "normally" would have. Sometimes I can't remember what someone looked like, or what their voice was like...but I have a vague idea. I get into very confused thinking sometimes, at the same time I wonder if I really am confused or if I'm just saying i am confused for whatever reason, but I don't know why I would do that.

I just thought I'd share a little bit of my thoughts about my situation, because I can relate to you...I have so many thoughts that revolve around this.

If you ever figure out exactly what the cause of it is, I'd like to know and the same for me, if I ever find out more info, I'll let you know, if I remember.

Also, if I have time, and gather more of my thoughts and stuff I've written down before, if you really want to know, I'll share more of what goes on in my head about all this.

http://www.panic-anxiety.com/deperso...derealization/ You might like to look at this website and see if you can relate to those at all.
omg! you just further described how i feel. i'm so glad i'm not the only one. well a lot of people said that our problem is depression. is there something you're depressed about? i mean i kinda of do, but then again i dont feel the depression great enough anyway. like i feel it but its not overflowing my brain like depression is supposed to. ugh. anyways. i hope we find out what our problem is
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-08-2008, 09:36 AM
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But not being able to feel anything/think clearly ARE also symptoms of depression, aren't they?
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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-08-2008, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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But not being able to feel anything/think clearly ARE also symptoms of depression, aren't they?
yes, but the thing is, i may be depressed, but i dont really feel it. i probably am deep inside my heart and in my head, but the feeling if my depression is not great enough to make me think that my main problem is depression. yes, i'm depressed, but not depressed at the same time. its confusing. but its hard to describe how i feel
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-08-2008, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by nightwalker
is there something you're depressed about?
I could be about my life in general, I am trapped in many ways and can hardly do anything...at the same time, it doesn't matter. It's hard to pinpoint it.

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like i feel it but its not overflowing my brain like depression is supposed to.
Same with me!

I don't feel depression greatly either. But I know I vaguely don't care, like a depressed person would, at the same time I can be happy and enjoy something....but it doesn't feel right.

***

From my journal -

August 20 2008 -
I sort of feel like im in a dream or im not really myself right now at the same time, I do feel like myself and real....and maybe I just say its dreamlike but it really isnt. I think I feel disconnected, but maybe I really am not. I can't really put confidence in one way, when its another.

Back to that thinking sort of again,
"I don't know, but maybe I do know, unless I dont really know but what if I do know but Im just saying I dont know because I dont know if I do know that I know"
what in the world
see how i get confused like this sometimes, but right now i dont feel confused. I just feel...odd..weird...strange...

Derealization maybe but not in the way its described, i dont want to attatch a word that may be wrong to myself because it could bring on other "consequences" wether good or bad, but like bad. If i really am not that I cant say that about myself but what if I really am that.

What if Im softly hallucinating in an unprofound way. But I could be hallucinating about hallucinating, meaning I really am not....

August 30 2008
Right now I feel...I can't say weird because I don't feel that way, but like, I guess I sort of feel emotionless, even though I can experience emotions like laughing and stuff, or I feel like im not into life or a part of it, just on the side and everyone else is in it. I think I sort of feel indifferent and somewhat blank. I just am. I don't feel like crying though and I don't feel like I'm worried. I don't really feel like doing anything at the same time I know I could but its kind of like im not into it or I don't really feel it, its not that lively. I dont really feel as if I want to feel any other way and its kind of like I dont even really think of it.
I vaguely just thought that its kind of like those hot summer days when you just sit in a pool with a tube, floating around or really not moving at all, cant reallly feel much but the hot sun on the tube if you move a little or the cool water if you move, your face and arms kind of stick to the tube and you close your eyes sometimes, sort of tired, somewhat bored, just frozen there sitting. But thats kind of vague. I know I don't feel bored, even though in the past week there were times when I felt like I had nothing to do, but it didn't matter that much.

October 31 2008-
I feel weird right now kind of, like I dont know what to think or feel. I dont think its quite the feeling of apathy or emptiness though. More like a blank, I dont know. Or maybe I do know. Maybe a little emotionless, but I can still feel - I mean I can laugh and act alright. Maybe shallow. Its like I can't describe and its not an "I dont care" thing either because I dont even have feeling for that. Then I think if I were to explain this to someone, would I come across in the wrong way or what if Im "over-exaggerating" or something. I dont know. I cant describe, but I still do feel "weird" And like I could possibly be missing a class on monday again, and that might even be the end of it for me [which it is now] but it's like, oh well, doesnt bother me, doesnt make me feel anything, doesnt matter, at the same time I dont have enough feeling to say that. But its different than saying I dont care. Maybe I am distant or something but dont know it. And if I think that, maybe its so? but I can think about many ideas/views even if they arent true, just to guess. And that thought didnt come out right. Its like I want to know whats wrong with me, at the same time maybe theres nothing wrong and Im just somehow saying there is or something.

***

That's all I could find for now in my journal. I've written about all this a lot though, there's more to it! And I can't find any entries on this, but I've also written sometimes how I wish I could feel anxious/panicky just to feel something. Which I know would sound crazy to anyone dealing with that...but if you feel like this, Im sure you can even relate to maybe wanting to feel something!
Im also neutral, and I can't really say anything definate about what I think or feel most of the time. I second guess and question nearly everything. I have a very very hard time making decisions.


Also I may be happy or act it or something, but I feel like it's not really real...at the same time maybe it is.

I just remembered something else, I went to a store the other day with my mom and there were tons of spider decorations left over there from halloween (it was a craft store)...and normally I am terrified of them, even decorations. But when I was there, I could nearly stare at them without thinking anything!

Sometimes I may not really feel like what I describe, so then I wonder, did I ever even feel that way?? but I did...because I know, I've been through it, and written about it and then it always comes back...and is still here. Its so confusing...

Also, someone may tell me "you aren't depressed" or "you are not a negative person" or "nothing bothers you" and I actually might think that...and wonder, maybe they are right...but they dont know all the emotional turmoil I go through at times, so how can they be right...i mean, its like I conform somewhat to their veiw and then I get mixed up even more with how I feel...I dont know if that applies to this or not but its just another thing that happens, sometimes.

Last edited by rachelynn; 12-08-2008 at 02:45 PM. Reason: added a few more things
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-08-2008, 02:43 PM
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richard o connor on his book overcoming depression states that depression is the absence of feeling. could be depression like others mentioned or a very anxious mood disorder.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and than success is sure," Mark Twain

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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 12-08-2008, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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richard o connor on his book overcoming depression states that depression is the absence of feeling. could be depression like others mentioned or a very anxious mood disorder.
ok. So if we really are depressed then how can we overcome it?
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