A follow up to http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...have-sa-53896/
I think have a better way to explain how i feel now.
I feel something inside me thats blocking my emotions and my personality from coming out. It's like theres a burden inside of me thats blocking my real self from coming out. I can't even feel my SA anymore. I don't even feel anything when i'm around people. I just feel that I'm there, but no one sees me, yet my conscious odesnt know that. so i just stare at people without even knowing thati 'm doing it. I feel like i'm going insane. I feel my brain is blocking the chemiclas that come out when i'm shocked. What's that called? anyways, it's like i have no reactions or feelings.
Let's say some hot dude comes up to me and says he loves me or something. My brain wont respond to it. My reaction would probably be.. well.. nothing. I'd probably say something like "oh..lol" but not feel it. Like nothing happened. It's like blocking everything from the outside. I can't even think on the inside anymore. my mind is too lazy or has this problem where it cares too little about what people think about me, but also i feel my mind is screwed up. I feel blurry. When I think, i even slur in my thinking. cuz you know how when you think, you're talking in your mind. but for some reason, now when i think, i'm stuttering and slurring when i'm thinking to myself and i cant even think properly. It's like i'm forgetting all my senses and all of my coolness and my personality is fading away. Every second of my life, I always feel a burden in my soul. I feel something, i dont know what, that is blocking my mind from opening and being sane. I'm always feeling something.. a pain in my soul.. I always subtlely feel like i'm on the brink of crying but then the feeling is not great enough for me to do it. It's like i feel things in my soul on the inside, but something on the border of it is blocking them from me fulling feeling it.
Maybe it's my low self esteem? But then again, i dont feel anything. My brain isnt functioning properly. I feel i dont have a personatliy.
And when I talk, i feel like it's not me talking. It's someone else. It's the person with no sense talking.
Like i said before, i never know whats going on around me. I mean, when i had SA, i knew every single thing that was going on around me. I was always worried about how everyone around me would think of me, and i was always trying to prevent myself from doing something stupid or humiliating. but now. I don;t feel like that anymore. I'm contstantly doing humiliating things without even knowing it. If i was still SANE, and if i was how i was before, i wouldnt even do those things. NO WAY!!
I think my brain is.. lazy in a way. I think maybe when something shocking happens, my brain is too lazy to respond to it, so it doesnt respond at all. I really dont know whats going on in my brain.
I dont even know who i am anymore. All of my character traits that i used to have are all gone. I mean, i think my true self is still somewhere inside of me, but theres nothing i can think or do that will trigger it to come out again.
I feel no adrenaline. No chemicals in my brain. I mean i really feel there is something blocking my brain from fully realizing and seeing whats around me. but i dont know what. Sometimes i feel my SA, but then as soon as i feel it for 1 second, it's gone. my brain just goes blank. The burden takes over. The blurryness and the unclearness takes over.
When i look at someone, i'm not really looking at them. Physically i am, but in my mind, i dont see them.
I mean when i had SA, i never looked at people in the face. I'd be so scared that they would think i'm a total weirdo (and they would have if i just stared at them for no reason). but now i'm just doing it without thinking. I'm constantly in my own dreamland, except the dreamland has nothing in it. I'm lost in my mind. I'm battling with my mind on something. I dont know what. What should i do?
and someone said that it's because i'm thinking too much and worrying too much about what to say so my mind wud just blank. but thats NOT IT!!! it's the opposite!! I mean sometimes i want to say something, but then when i try to think about what i'm saying, my mouth would just say it. It's like my soul is too lazy to overlook and what i'm saying. It's like my mind doesnt want to think anymore, so it just goes on standby mode, and then something else takes over. If i'm giong to speak in front of the class, I don't even think about how i'm gonna look. I mean I feel that something in my wants to, but then my lazy mind overrides it and so i don't feel fear or anxiety anymore. It's like when you're constantly thinking about your boyfriend or girlfriend, you dont really care or think about whats going on around you. I feel the same way, except i'm not thinking. My mind is just shut off. Is it becasue of excessive SA in the past, so now i have mental fatigue? or is it something else? Do i have a mental problem?
I feel the personality inside me, the true me, inside me, wanting to come out all the time. but then my tired and lazy mind just overrides it and just blocks it completely. I have no attention span. When my mother is talking, or when my teachers are talking, i pay no attnetion to them. I mean i do, for a second, but then my mind just goes back to blank/stupid mode.
Is it because i have no confidence on being who i really am? i am sometimes, i do, but then when i face it at school, i go back to my shell, and my mind gets blurry and lazy again. I feel this tingly feeling inside of me, a feeling of sadness and pain, a feeling of regret from my past from SA, but its so subtle because my mind is too unclear.
It's like theres something blocking me from coming out AND my mind is just too lazy and unrespondive. Is there something i can do to make me more aware of whats aroudn me and more confident of who i am? I mean, when i'm talking, i do get a bit of Sa because sometimes i feel like what i'm saying wont make sense. and it usually doesnt. but then i also sometimes feel like its not me thats talking, its just my brain with no personality thats takling. I feel some SA inside of me, but it's not completely taking over my mind. instead, something else, like fatigue, or brain laziness is taking over. what is it?!
and YES, i do friggin sports but they dont help. I still feel this blury mind, and i still dont feel my mind opening up or anything.
This is affectinng my life. Is it because for the past 2 years, SA took over my life, so my brain got sick of it so it just shut down and got blurry so it wont feel the SA anymore?? i dont know.
Edit:: I feel that i can't feel emotions as much as i used to. i'm never very happy, very angry, or anything. its like i'm too afraid to feel those feelings. and i've also noticed that when i interact or communicate with other people, i dont feel consciously there. i feel like i'm not the one thats controlling my actions. i never do anything spontaneous. i'm not controlling my life. my blank mind and subtle SA is.