3+ year stream of memories :/ - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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3+ year stream of memories :/


It all started in late 2017.

My brother (who I don't actually know b/c we grew up separately) contacted me and told me some stuff about his childhood. Afterwards, I was flooded with memories. I basically rethought mine and his childhood and the entire family. It took more than a year and was pretty rough. Afterwards though (in early 2019), I had gained an entirely new perspective. So it was good, actually. The process was rough though.

Then, other stuff started coming back to me (mainly the relationship with my Highschool sweetheart). Those memories would occasionally pop up and I would randomly start crying.

In early 2020, love sickness over my Highschool sweetheart hit me badly. I thought about him again in the summer of 2020 and then in the fall. In December (about 7 weeks ago) the entire thing came back to me. Virtually every detail about that 5 year relationship + the love sickness, the breakup and the aftermath. That lasted until a few days ago. I was glad when I felt that I had reached the tail end of all of that.

A couple of days ago then, other memories started popping up. I suddenly remembered that I was very nearly abducted when I was at University in the UK. It was a fellow student and research assistant at the department where I studied. At the time, I just perceived it as an annoying incident that he should say sorry for. My boyfriend at the time was alarmed as was my therapist and every single member of staff as well as students at the department. I couldn't understand why it was such big deal. I just wanted him to say sorry for being rude.
So a couple of days ago it hit me that the fellow student wasn't being rude back then, he actually tried to abduct me. I also realized that he was gone afterwards b/c he was sectioned (= forcibly detained under the mental health act) for what he tried to do to me. The staff, my therapist and everyone else knew about it. I never realized until now. That's quite something to process.

At the time of that event, lots of members of staff and my therapist had lots of conversations with me. As part of those conversations I told them about that one single time in my life that I drank so much that I blacked out. Some guy took me home. It sounded like a story of sexual assault. I still cannot remember what happened but it doesn't look good. Based on that story, everyone knew at the time (except for me, just like with the abduction). So I am dealing with that realization now as well.

On top, I am remembering the time a friend of mine brought me back a dress from Asia. I was offered b/c the dress was huge. I am not that fat! I said. I was so offended about the dress being huge that I never tried it on. I threw it away. She ended the friendship shortly after that. I remembered that just about an hour ago. I feel terrible about throwing away a gift and starting a fight over it.

So, it has been 3+ years of lots and lots of memories and re-thinking stuff. Pretty much all the important events in my life have come back to me. God knows what else will pop up in my head.

I have no idea why all of this is coming back to me. I feel overwhelmed all of the time. WTF.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-09-2021, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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And just as a posted that more stuff has emerged. OMFG.

Embarrassing and sad details.

When is this going to end? Must a I really re-think me entire ****ing life? And only the bad bits? Lots of good things happened, too.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-11-2021, 05:31 PM
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I am not expert on all of this, as far as your boyfriend you are obsessed with or whatever, I think with time, people fade away and memories fade away. The more time away from him in your life, the better, as far as moving on with your life. If you want to contact him to try to get closure, maybe that is a good move, maybe not. I would do whatever you can to get closure. If you don't contact him, cut off ties permanently, no pictures saved in albums or online, don't check his facebook page, etc. A woman i was nuts over who I was with 2 and a half years I went through the same thing. I cried over her as little as a month ago. It has been 5 years since it ended so that is ridiculous. Anyway, to move on, you need to remove anything that reminds you of him, any gift or cards or books or anything associated with him. For your own well-being, it sounds harsh but you need to move on with your life in a healthy way.

As a guy, I was almost abducted at age 10 or 11, i was coming back from lunch at the park at school, and i was lagging like 5 or 10 minutes behind everyone. Anyway, from your pic shown, if it is you, you are very attractive and I imagine you would be more of a target for creeps than the average person. I don't know how a student who is enrolled somewhere could plan and pull off an abduction, but it is possible, you would know better than me. Remember, his name would be out there in official paperwork, but anything is possible. You would know better than me, I don't know enough details.

If you were sexually assaulted or not, I don't know, and that is a heavy subject. If you believe you were sexually assaulted, I would try to just deal with it, as painful as it was, and then put it behind you as much as you can. Even if dealing with it is difficult, you need to be able to move on with your life in a positive way going forward. I am not an expert in any of this, i am just guessing
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-13-2021, 06:54 PM Thread Starter
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@Disheveled and Lost Thanks for the reply.

I actually completely forgot my Highschool sweetheart for years. I was in another long term relationship for years after. It is coming back to me now though. I will get in touch with him once this flood of memories is over and then see if he wants to get closure, too.

I am sorry about the attempted abduction you experienced. I hope it doesn't still bother you. It only just clicked in my head a few days ago and it changes your outlook on life and safety.
The guy that tried to take me was a serial sex offender (I later found out). He completed his bachelors degree and got a job at a clinic. There, he assaulted multiple patients. He was fired for that, returned to the university to do a masters degree and got a job as a research assistant. That's when he moved on from assaulting female patients to abductions.

The possible sexual assault thing is something that can never be resolved. It is sad. But I am so busy with all the other memories that it is kind of falling by the wayside right now.

Sometimes I think a new chapter in my life is about to start. Maybe that is why stuff is coming up like it is. It needs to get resolved before the next chapter begins.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-18-2021, 10:11 PM
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@Disheveled and Lost Thanks for the reply.

I actually completely forgot my Highschool sweetheart for years. I was in another long term relationship for years after. It is coming back to me now though. I will get in touch with him once this flood of memories is over and then see if he wants to get closure, too.

I am sorry about the attempted abduction you experienced. I hope it doesn't still bother you. It only just clicked in my head a few days ago and it changes your outlook on life and safety.
The guy that tried to take me was a serial sex offender (I later found out). He completed his bachelors degree and got a job at a clinic. There, he assaulted multiple patients. He was fired for that, returned to the university to do a masters degree and got a job as a research assistant. That's when he moved on from assaulting female patients to abductions.

The possible sexual assault thing is something that can never be resolved. It is sad. But I am so busy with all the other memories that it is kind of falling by the wayside right now.

Sometimes I think a new chapter in my life is about to start. Maybe that is why stuff is coming up like it is. It needs to get resolved before the next chapter begins.
Ok no problem, I guess whoever you want to get over the most, or most tied to, that is the person you should try to get closure with. It could also go either way, might help and might not. I am now debating whether to go to the woman i was with for 2 and a half year, go to her house and the spot I met her to get closure. I wanted to just look at the house for 20 seconds then walk to the beach where we first met one time, just to put it all to rest hopefully. I don't want to see her, just go to those spots one time. I also don't want to risk getting the coronavirus taking the train there. I dunno, it could backfire, nothing in life is 100% so it could work or it could not.

Well that attempted abduction was now about 30 years ago, it only weirds me out because I assume the guy would have done whatever with me and then killed me, why leave any living witness? I don't really think about it much, I narrowly avoided death so many times that I can't even count, almost struck by lightning, almost overdosed, alcohol poisoning a bunch of times, almost killed by drug dealers and gang members multiple times, people threatened to kill me countless times. Part of it is I was a wise-a** kid and pushed people's buttons and part of it is just bad luck, or good luck because nothing happened to me. I feel like at this point I am indestructible. Anyway my worst fear is being alone which now is my reality. I could have still been with some women, I chose not to be with them because of some perceived flaws in their personalities etc. The women i wanted to be with rejected me mainly.

Ok I understand, well my only advice about that crazy guy is to try to get some type of closure, enough at least that you can be somewhat healthy going forward and it not effect your life too drastically going forward. My point is you don't need or expect to completely get over your situation, just enough so that you can be functional you know. My mom worked with a guy who was sexually assaulting his patients in a clinic and he eventually committed suicide i think to avoid jail time. Anyway, you might want to just call or text your ex to get closure one time, or not. If you do, i would say literally everything you want to say and ask every possible question, and even confront him on everything you wanted to, and then NEVER contact him again. To me that is the best way to get closure, but it is up to you

Since 2004, i probably went to 900 pro sports games in New York City area and 500 or more movies plus concerts events etc so i am totally physically drained and emotionally spent. Once the coronavirus ends, i might just continue living the same way I am recently, not leaving my apartment, I just have nothing left so i don't even know what next chapter I am preparing for you know
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