24 Year Old Virgin - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-22-2008, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
 
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24 Year Old Virgin


Hi guys, first post, felt like venting a little.

I think I have a severe case of SAD, and it's not only hindering my work, my social life, but also my love life.

I never realized this until recently, but I think my SAD has prevented me from having a girlfriend at all throughout my school years. It seems like whenever an attractive girl talks to me, I'm always at a lost of words, which inevitably will result in awkward silences.

Let me preface this by saying I have above average looks, and I've been known to be a sharp dresser (having numerous men hitting on me throughout the years, *sigh*). I've also known either directly or indirectly that throughout my school/college years several girls have had crushes on me. Yet, nothing ever materialized. I have no problem talking to girls, in fact, my best friend is a girl. However, I find that I'm most comfortable when I'm talking to girls who either I'm completely unattracted to, or someone who I will definitely not have a relationship with (eg. married). I've noticed that no matter how much I like a girl, or how I know the girl likes me, I've never had the courage to ask a girl out. I do go out with girls, but it's always Platonic.

I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm really tired of being alone. I have a very limited pool of friends and my office consists of 15 people, most of them double my age. I also hate drinking, or going clubbing, the stuff that people my age live to do. I only go clubbing once in a while because I feel like I need to do something with my friends so they donít feel that I hole up in my apt all the time. Thus, I feel like the chance of me meeting a girl is dwindling, and thereís no chance Iím going to find anyone, which is quite frustrating.

Iíve pondered the possibility of using a dating website, but I was told that they are mostly scams and finding a real match is a dim in a dozen. Yet, I have absolutely no courage to ask a random girl out. So, Iím in a pinch. I think what bothers me is not the virginity part, but the fact that Iíve never had a gf. Not only that, but it seems like the prospects are getting grimmer everyday. Since praying that Iíll meet the girl of my dreams out of some serendipitous event is unlikely, Iíd like to ask you guys for some advice. What should I do?
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 12:31 AM
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I am in the same boat. Start by gaining friends first. That gets more exposure and builds support bases. Once I do that, then I can branch out. Try asking a girl out. At the same time, build up communication. Learn how to interact. Safe steps.

I know, easier said than done, but this is how I plan to approach it.

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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 05:54 AM
 
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Try developing friendships with guys and girls. Even if you don't want to date the girl or you know she won't date you, still try to be her friend. Once you build up a larger group of friends (or a few close ones) you can see if they would hook you up with a friend of theirs. Use the friends as your dating website, and you know they won't hook you up with any scams
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 05:58 AM
 
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Set your standards a little lower.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 08:54 AM
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this post kindof hits me, i feel the same exact way, ive been in one relationship (or you could say that) and it did not work...and girls ive actually were genuwinely attracted to who i know liked me also, i never had the courage to ask out, and ive had my moments of very awkward silence with them too, i think it kindof went both ways in one case...

im a virgin as well, i dont think the virginity part bothers me as much as the chances ive blown bothers me...i dont really like the clubs or bars either, i dont know where to look...i wish i could help, but i can relate...

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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 05:30 PM
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Hey,
I got rid of my virginity by using a prostitute. Not morally appealing but effective...
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
 
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Actually, like the poster above, the virginity isn't the thing that bothers me. It's the fact that I'm 24 and I've never actually been in a relationship, nor have I even been on a real date. It's frustrating, since my friend circle consists of 3 people, and I can't expect them to hook me up when I refuse to go pick up girls with them 7 times out of 10. (Due to me not liking the night club scene)

Problem is, I don't see me getting in a relationship any time in the near future, thus, I feel a sense of futility. I just can't strike up a conversation with a stranger (not to mention a girl) without feeling very uncomfortable. I think it has to do with me wanting to feel secure and liked before opening up. I don't know, I just feel that I'm fast approaching an age where people stop playing around and start thinking about settling down, yet I've never even started the 'fooling around' phase yet.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 06:44 PM
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This may not be the best suggestion but here it is: get slightly drunk before you talk to a girl.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 07:24 PM
 
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I say go ahead with the dating site. I think as long as you're cautious about giving too much information away online, then it should be fine. You may end up with poor matches sometimes, but I'm guessing that's the case with any kind of dating, online or offline. I used to be against online dating too. Wherever I settle down after school, I think I'm going to go ahead and join a dating site. I don't see it any different that sites like meetup.com. I'm 24 and I too am holding my V card.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 07:26 PM
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I'm in the same situation that you are, except im a little younger (21 yo). I can never find the courage to ask a girl out, even if someone tells me that she would have a crush on me. I always end up telling myself that i don't stand a chance, no girls can love me, etc.

The virginity thing also bothers me. It seems that most people of my age are no longer virgin and have had bf/gf in the past. So i can't get rid of the feeling that my empty ''love resume'' is a huge disavantage when it comes to dating It's seems i will have to go with prostitute/escort to break the ice...

As for alcohol, it may make it easier to talk to people, but that doesn't mean your gonna say something intelligent...
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Solitario View Post
Set your standards a little lower.
I hate this kind of advice. All lowering your standards is going to do is ensure you are not going to be happy in the relationship you end up in.

I'm also 24 and a virgin. I'm not going to lie, being a virgin does bother me, but not nearly as much as how I just cannot communicate with women. I want the love and the relationship first. The sex will come with that. I just have no clue whatsoever as to how I am ever going to find that relationship.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 09:32 PM
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I'm not going to lie, being a virgin does bother me, but not nearly as much as how I just cannot communicate with women. I want the love and the relationship first. The sex will come with that. I just have no clue whatsoever as to how I am ever going to find that relationship.
I have no clue either. I feel like I'm so far beyond the point of being datable.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 10:57 PM
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-24-2008, 11:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphataru View Post

I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm really tired of being alone. I have a very limited pool of friends and my office consists of 15 people, most of them double my age. I also hate drinking, or going clubbing, the stuff that people my age live to do. I only go clubbing once in a while because I feel like I need to do something with my friends so they donít feel that I hole up in my apt all the time. Thus, I feel like the chance of me meeting a girl is dwindling, and thereís no chance Iím going to find anyone, which is quite frustrating.

Iíve pondered the possibility of using a dating website, but I was told that they are mostly scams and finding a real match is a dim in a dozen. Yet, I have absolutely no courage to ask a random girl out. So, Iím in a pinch. I think what bothers me is not the virginity part, but the fact that Iíve never had a gf. Not only that, but it seems like the prospects are getting grimmer everyday. Since praying that Iíll meet the girl of my dreams out of some serendipitous event is unlikely, Iíd like to ask you guys for some advice. What should I do?
That is sadly relatable.

From your post it seems like you are in your twenties, but that is just a guess. I am not interested in most of the things that people my age do either. I have no idea where to meet guys that would be interested in a girl like myself.

Which brings me to...

Online dating sites. I have joined a local one a few months ago, went on one date and never heard from the guy again. I messaged 3 guys I thought were really cute and interesting and it seemed like by their profiles that they would be interested in someone like me, but they never responded. In conclusion, do not get your hopes up on online dating sites.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-25-2008, 12:23 AM
 
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Best advice I've gotten and gave is this: Love and understanding yourself allows others to love and understand you.


Going after a "girl/boyfriend" isn't going to work if you're looking to have a meaningful relationship. I would suggest starting out with participating in activities YOU like to do.

Take a class in:
Photography
Cooking
Art
Writing
Movie / cinematic history
Whatever it is you're interested in


This approach has very little to do with interacting with people and more so on your own personal growth and happiness. When you project happiness, especially genuine happiness, other people will notice and respond to that.

If you project uncertainty, fear, anxiety, panic, people will pick up on that without you saying one word.

If you can focus on the class itself, there's no time to show people how anxious you are. You can give your brain something to focus on and develop some positive experiences for yourself. Walk out of the class, at it's conclusion, knowing that you did something for yourself even if you talk to no one in that class.

(Class can be replaced with any kind of activity)


On the note of virginity - I'm sure it doesn't bother you all as you say, but I'm sure there's an ounce of contemplation you give to it. Please, don't worry about being a virgin. When the time is right and you feel comfortable to share that part of yourself with someone, it will be special because you choose the time and place for it.

Most people who have lost their virginity when they were younger almost always regret having done it. I find myself in that boat. I really wish I would have waited. Not because it was a bad experience but I was not mentally ready for it. I was even kind of disappointed because I came out of it thinking, "that was it??". LOL


Regarding online dating: It's not such a terrible idea however, using these dating services online isn't the most ideal. Again, along the same lines of my first advice, try going to a site that you are interested in. You like backgammon? Great, join a site where people play the game and also have a common chat room. Strike up a conversation about the game and that can lead into other conversations without the pressure of making a connection.

I think proper dating sites come with so much expectations. What do I put in my profile that will show off me best (SCARY thought to SA's). How do I approach someone when the ONLY goal is to get a date (WOW pressure). What if I'm not funny enough, tall enough, type fast enough, whatever enough?!?!

Get on neutral ground. Find something that you genuinely have an interest doing and have a good time!!!!!! Take care of yourself and others will follow.
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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-25-2008, 12:41 AM
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The problem with me is that I am so far removed from interaction with the opposite sex that I don't even view myself as being able to even approach a woman. Its as if i am not allowed to or that area of life has always been closed off to me.

I am 23 and have never had a conversation with a female outside of my family. If that is not a sign that i am "different" and not attractive then i don't know what else is.
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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-25-2008, 12:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaigeJones View Post
The problem with me is that I am so far removed from interaction with the opposite sex that I don't even view myself as being able to even approach a woman. Its as if i am not allowed to or that area of life has always been closed off to me.

I am 23 and have never had a conversation with a female outside of my family. If that is not a sign that i am "different" and not attractive then i don't know what else is.

It's all about perspective.

Has any woman every told you, "you are not allowed to talk to me." ? How could they when you've already given yourself an impassible roadblock with this belief?

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be likable or dateable that it's nearly impossible to even pry open our lips to say "Hello". That's why I am suggesting that if you can focus your efforts on yourself in an environment where there are other people, you have a perfect way into a conversation that isn't about yourself but about the activity itself.

If you haven't built up the emotional muscles to love yourself, try going a different route and try not to sabotage yourself with negative talk. Positivity, IMHO, is the cornerstone for a way to cope with SA.
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