21 year old fresh graduate - severely depressed, feel hopeless, venting
I am a 21 year old fresh graduate from a prestigious business school. I have been out of university for 2 months and I feel extremely down because my daily routine feels purposeless, empty, and boring. I feel like I have no purpose in life.
My first post here was when I was 17 or 18 and I had thought by now that I would never have to come back here again by this time. I posted here before that I couldn't wait to graduate from college, but now that I am out of it, I feel even more depressed, as if I have no purpose.
I will be looking for a job next week through a job fair hosted by our school, but I feel anxious and depressed at the moment, and I worry that I will be bringing this negative attitude with me to the job fair and to the interview.
I grew up in a broken household and was mostly sheltered all my life. I did not have much people to talk to as a kid and the only joys that I do remember of childhood are television, books, toys, and video games.
I have been an extremely closed and quiet boy growing up, and I brought this trait with me to college. During High School, I had plenty of chances to break my shell. I feel pathetic because I am actually a good looking guy and I have had lots of girls show interest in me and I have had people wondering whether I was gay because they haven't seen me with a girl yet given my looks.
I did not manage to make any friends at all during my 4 years of university because I was extremely afraid to open up.
I did not make an effort to talk to other people. I recently started opening up during the last few months of college and I hung out with some people after I was invited to hang out with them by a girl who liked me because I was actually able to open up to them and talk after being invited to go out one night. That night was great and it was a night where I was able to be myself and to speak my mind. These people gave me a chance to hang out with them and I felt like I got a big break.
Unfortunately, during the trip, I suddenly became my shy and quiet self again, and most of the time I was quiet and anxious. The people I hung out with noticed and made it really awkward for me.
I am also filled with regret that I was not able to break out of my shell and be myself around a girl who showed interest in me, the girl who invited me to the trip. The past few weeks before the trip, she had been sending filrtacious text messages, and I unfortunately did not know how to respond, but I was extremely excited when she invited me out to a trip. My first and last trip in university. The people I hung out with were setting her up with me, but I felt extremely awkward and was quiet most of the time as I did not have much experience with women.
My time with them during the trip did not fare well and felt awkward, and after the trip, they have ceased all contact with me.
The girl has since then lost interest in me and has moved on to another guy.
I am lonely and depressed almost all of the time.
I used to think a lot growing up and during my university years that to be myself was wrong and that I should not talk until I can successfully be somebody I admired.
I have now learned too late(at the end of college) that I should have opened up and become vulnerable with others, instead of hiding my every flaw and imperfection, I should have been myself. I wanted everything that I wanted to say to be perfect to others so that they would like me, and if people didn't react the way I wanted them to react to what I said, I felt rejected and unlikeable. This drove me to become quiet in most social situations, until I could come up with the "perfect" thing to say, which almost all of the time did not garner positive reactions when I did talk.
I am still in the process of recovering from my lack of confidence and belief in myself, and I have learned recently that being honest, being yourself, and being vulnerable is crucial in order to create healthy relationships with others.
People can sense whether a person is being genuine, and the only way to be genuine is to be vulnerable, and to be honest, which means speaking the truth and speaking your mind. Healthy relationships are only possible with genuine interaction, anything else is fake.
This is an extremely long post, but I just needed to vent, I really felt today that I was dying deep inside and I felt the need to get all of these negative emotions and feelings out.