Realizing there's something wrong with your family - Social Anxiety Forum
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-06-2020, 10:49 PM Thread Starter
Social experimenter
 
asittingducky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Posts: 704

Realizing there's something wrong with your family


When did you guys first realize the problems with your family members? If you happen to be a codependent, how did you get away for good? If you happen to want to take care of them, how did you create a safe distance?
asittingducky is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 02:10 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,985
Dude....I could go on and on. But one of the more destructive things my family does is...they want me to be independent...but still expect me to make all my decisions exactly as they would.

They say they want to see me independent and successful yet they guilt trip me whenever I make a decision that does not involve them.

They say that as a man I am supposed to support myself financially and be able to care for my wife...yet whenever I run into financial difficulty and ask for their advice on budjetting their first suggestion is always to move back into my parent's house and visit my fiancee less often to save money.

It's like they just don't get it....moving back in with my parents may save money in the short term but it's not going to bring me CLOSER to marriage. If anything it would be a huge step BACK.

funny thing I was about to post on this same topic....
VIncymon is offline  
post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 06:55 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Rainforest <-> Tundra
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,953
My Mood: Bored
I didn't realize the extent of how fcked up they were, and how they treated me (and each other), until I cut them off cold turkey. Didn't see or speak to them for a year, even on Christmas, and was exposed to a lot more normal people with normal relationships. Away from their toxicity and cruelty, I realized I'm a pretty decent person as well - and not like my awful parents.

I just left when I was 21. I was financially capable of leaving at 18 due to having a well-paying job in my teens, but was mentally crippled by my mother doing her best to make me believe I was dependent on her (she's the type who would break my kneecaps to keep me with her).

I don't care about them. I pity them, perhaps. They can find ways to care for themselves. I carried their burdens for the first 21 years of my life and they never made me feel like I mattered, that my feelings and pain mattered, and had let me down in almost every possible way. They don't get to do that a second longer to me for the rest of my life.
leaf in the wind is offline  
 
post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-05-2020, 02:18 PM
Dogra Magra
 
bad baby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: an accidental wilderness
Language: 中国語
Posts: 2,868
These are questions that you should probably explore with your therapist...

I can more or less relate to both of the posts above. My family have always been very insular, presenting a "perfect image" to outsiders (friends, colleagues, strangers, etc.) while reserving the toxicity and the uglyness within the family.

It was all very insidious, like a dark cloud looming over my psyche. It wasn't until I moved away on-and-off for a few years, that it began to finally lift. But everytime I moved back in, I would start to sink back into depression and apathy. I used to think it was the something about the city - maybe it rained too much, maybe the buildings are too drab.

As I matured, I began to notice little inconsistencies between words and actions. When you are a child and you question something or point something out, you are consistently told that you are wrong, and that the adults know what's best for you.

You believe them and come to doubt yourself, you think you are delusional and blame yourself. You feel guilty for being so broken despite all the love and help from your family. This builds toxic shame. Gradually the shame is so strong that it interferes with your normal functioning. You begin to hide, fearing that other people will notice your abnormalities. Social anxiety becomes a way for you to cope.

I don't have any answers for you, since I am still struggling with the effects of my upbringing, too. But what I've come to realise is this: beware of "perfection". Beware of one or more person(s) in your family who is/are always right and never admits their flaws and mistakes. You may have been paying for their delusion of grandeur with your own self-worth.

*
my otome tumblr blog

realisation: the act or process of becoming real. óWebster
bad baby is offline  
post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-05-2020, 02:25 PM
SAS Member
 
aqwsderf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Posts: 2,156
All my life. Lol
My moms family specifically because that's the one that lives here. But we'd go through periods of talking to them. Not talking to them. Off and on relationships. So I'm not close to them. Didn't get to grow up in a big family. Bipolar moods run in my family. I'm sure it hasn't helped decrease my social anxiety.
aqwsderf is offline  
post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-07-2020, 04:05 PM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,985
Quote:
Originally Posted by bad baby View Post
These are questions that you should probably explore with your therapist...

I can more or less relate to both of the posts above. My family have always been very insular, presenting a "perfect image" to outsiders (friends, colleagues, strangers, etc.) while reserving the toxicity and the uglyness within the family.

It was all very insidious, like a dark cloud looming over my psyche. It wasn't until I moved away on-and-off for a few years, that it began to finally lift. But everytime I moved back in, I would start to sink back into depression and apathy. I used to think it was the something about the city - maybe it rained too much, maybe the buildings are too drab.

As I matured, I began to notice little inconsistencies between words and actions. When you are a child and you question something or point something out, you are consistently told that you are wrong, and that the adults know what's best for you.

You believe them and come to doubt yourself, you think you are delusional and blame yourself. You feel guilty for being so broken despite all the love and help from your family. This builds toxic shame. Gradually the shame is so strong that it interferes with your normal functioning. You begin to hide, fearing that other people will notice your abnormalities. Social anxiety becomes a way for you to cope.

I don't have any answers for you, since I am still struggling with the effects of my upbringing, too. But what I've come to realise is this: beware of "perfection". Beware of one or more person(s) in your family who is/are always right and never admits their flaws and mistakes. You may have been paying for their delusion of grandeur with your own self-worth.
That last line is so true. Whenever my family give me advice its like their word is Gospel. I could go to an EXPERT for advice but if it goes against their word they will curse my decision and tell me it will fail.

They are always saying how i should do research before I make big life decisions...yet still once the decision is not to their liking it doesnt matter how many studies or personal reconnaisance I tell them i did...they will insist its a bad decision doomed to fail.

Its horrie.
VIncymon is offline  
post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-07-2020, 10:33 PM
Royally F***ed
 
truant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Cislandia
Gender: Transgender
Age: 48
Posts: 9,842
My Mood: Brooding
Oh man, I could write a novel about how crazy my family is. I have 8 siblings and all 9 of us have MH diagnoses. SAD, GAD, depression, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia, personality disorders, developmental disorders. My mother and some of my aunts and cousins have disorders, too. And my grandpa. I grew up surrounded by people with issues, so I got used to people not making very much sense or acting very rationally. That's probably why I think everyone is crazy and sanity is a myth, lol.

I try to keep my contact with family members to a minimum, because any one of them could suck me into a bottomless pit of codependent neediness. I do try to help as much as I can from a safe distance, though. If I ever get rich, I'm going to buy a big house for all of them to live in and hire some doctors and nurses to look after them. (An asylum, iow.) I won't live there myself, though, lol.

Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there.
truant is offline  
post #8 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-08-2020, 04:09 AM
Pesky Pessimist
 
Blue Dino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 7,198
Narcissism abuse is such a little known and overlooked, but commonplace aspect in many families and relationships. Because it's such an intangible concept that is usually quite complex psychologically, hardly noticeable that will ever only gradually reveals itself over a long time along with deep observations, and self analysis and interpretation of those very observations.
Worse is that this is something that mostly has no countermeasures, solution, and resolve.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
Blue Dino is offline  
Reply

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome