its materialistic because i want to reduce people to material possessions. i'd like to travel to a time when humans can be possessions and i can have some slaves and be loved through my freeing of said slaves via my amazing morals but somehow this love only serves to enslave the freed slaves even more, because under no circumstances do i want to lose any power or give up power unless it nets a greater power in the end. so i can live out my days as a shining example of goodness even though its actually pretty disgusting.
its not so good now, when children are the only humans really able to be possessions, but they aren't really traded very often. and i only want children also to live through some moralistic ideal of self sacrifice and moral elevation as a wholesome savior of the damned sub-human children. this always has a super unrealistic fairy tale ending. their getting better and becoming fully human always coincides with my getting better and becoming fully human. in actuality, i'm sure the constant presence and pressure to look after them, a dirty forced kind of intimacy - exactly the kind of thing i hate with flatmates and colleagues, forced to be around each other, leading to resentment and hatred from me. this would never go well.
and of course i'm against slavery generally. idk why taboo - and ideologically opposite to what i believe in - things are generally what i fantasise about. but my beliefs are usually about things other people do that i don't like, and i want to have power over those people.
So you want to be God
Wow, Andy. I think this post is a masterpiece of frank self examination, and I understand it well. I, too, am always fighting the temptation to treat people as possessions. And I love being appreciated for things that I do, that I consider kind and good. And I recognize that these are character faults.
I should be able to look at a beautiful person and delight in their beauty without wanting it for myself. I should be thankful that I am in a position to help someone in some way, not taking delight in how good I am. Those are ways of appreciating life that really don't require help from someone else, but give help to someone else, and it feels good.
Anyway, loved the post.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.