I don't know what it is.
Yesterday a couple of good things happened to me (not a boyfriend if you assume that, lol). And it's just like for the first time in a very long time something good happened to me. I mean honestly, I've just had a **** thing after another happen to me or nothing at all, and to have something good happen is just... amazing. It was like the stars aligned just to give me something good. And of course immediately i felt all this hope for a better life. And I slept and I STILL feel good. And the sun is shining (literally and also metaphorically). And I don't
feel like I'm worthless and like I'm ugly. And I do
feel like I can have friends, that I'm good enough...
It's just so different from what I usually feel. I mean for years
I've felt nothing but complete depression and anxiety. Just complete misery. Just a few days ago I posted on my tumblr that I thought depression had eaten me up completely. It's been hard to even use my voice (literally), I could never do more than faintly whisper really because I just didn't have the energy. It was like a lamp that could only shine weakly because the battery was so low. Just now I could tell my mom "bye" with an actual voice that isn't whispery.
My head doesn't feel empty and it doesn't feel heavy and it doesn't feel like it's burning. It feels almost normal.
But then there's this: I know
(for myself) that life is inherently pointless. I am still of the opinion that nonexistence is better than existence.
And I don't feel like I have the right
to feel happy when I know how pointless it is.
And I feel like if I allow myself to be happy I will turn my back to everybody who suffers just like I do usually. I feel like I will leave them behind, I feel like I would be a traitor.
It's not like I am actually "connected" to anyone who is miserable, I mean in the midst of that illness you just feel alone and lonely, and yet I feel like if I would be happy I would leave the people who feel miserable?
I also feel like I would be a traitor to my depression. I mean my depression (just like my SA), has been my "friend". And I know we think that because depression is our "abuser", but I can't help but feel that way. And it's not just my
depression, it's everyone's depression. I feel like because depression is so misunderstood and ignored and people are so ignorant about it, that I can't leave this depression behind, because it needs me to show people what depression means. It needs me to show people that depression exists around them wherever they go and is not just a strange thing they see on TV. I need to portray depression wherever I go. I need people to UNDERSTAND what depression is and what it does to you. And I feel like I can't help depression if I am not depressed.
And another thing is, because I feel (relatively) happy right now it is ALREADY kind of strange for me to think of what I usually feel like. It's already almost unattainable for me to feel what I usually feel. Like I KNOW how bad it feels, but I cannot FEEL it at the moment. And if I, someone who's been suffering from major depression for years
, cannot feel what it feels like, how is a person that has always been happy and that has never suffered from depression (or just really mild depression) supposed to KNOW what it feels like? How are they supposed to understand? They literally can't. They never opened that door, they never were in that room. Or should I say they never got pushed into that room, with the door being locked after.
And that makes me feel less hateful towards "normal" people, but at the same time I... I cannot believe that they just don't know what it feels like. It's not even about fairness, it's just... how can they experience life in such a different way from how I experience it? How can they not KNOW
And guys, I know. I know this won't last.
Because I suffer from depression. It might be over today. It might be over tomorrow. But I needed to capture this. I needed to share this with you. I am sure a lot of you had moments like this too. Maybe you had days or weeks that were good.
I really don't understand this.
And now I do feel like it is all just a chemical imbalance (something I am highly critical of and kind of doubt usually).
I feel like yes, you can think life doesn't have any purpose and that it's wrong to have been born, but you don't have to feel miserable. And that doesn't really make sense? How is one supposed to feel good when one thinks life is pointless. (And can people who never suffered from depression can think that life is pointless?)
AND I also don't want to be that happy person. I mean of course I want to be happy and I want to be a person that brings light wherever she goes. But I don't want to be that person that depressed people look at and go like "wow she must be dumb to be that happy" or "****ing happy people" or "why can't I be happy like her". Or if i told somebody I had depression and they think to themselves "she couldn't have had real depression if she's happy now". I mean it has hurt me when someone just "moved on" from their depression. It has hurt me to see people happy. I don't want to hurt anybody by being happy.
I know this feeling of leaving people behind is common and there's a quote that goes like:
“You all have a little bit of ‘I want to save the world’ in you (that’s why you’re here, in college). I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”
I mean it's true? Like you don't have to be in college obviously lol but yeah. If I am not depressed anymore, there IS less pain and suffering in this world. Why not save me? Why do I want to save someone else so badly?
Tbh there's more quotes that help depressed people who feel happy for one day to fight to stay happy (http://theodysseyonline.com/furman/2...st-fine/115843
There was also some post on tumblr that I can't find right now where a person expressed how they felt bad about feeling better while so many people still feel **** and the therapist said something in reponse but I can't find it right now, lol.
Anyway this was a huge ramble.
I'm already starting to feel ****tier if I'm honest.
Also I don't know whether my "happiness" is because of the good things that happened (and a question that should be asked is why can't good things happen all the time?), or because of these pills my dad got... it's Saffron and Inca Gold pills. and I only took these pills like 1 time and I feel better which can't even be true because they should take weeks to start helping. It also can't be a placebo effect because I don't "believe" in the pills if yk what i mean. I will write a post about this in the meds forum though.
RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE hope you had fun
(PS: The sun "outside" is still shining.)