Do not let s.a. Ruin your career ! Long - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 03:54 AM Thread Starter
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Do not let s.a. Ruin your career ! Long


I often complain here. But when things are good...you gotta say it...it can be so easy to focus on the negative.

In my first job...I made so many mistakes....I got so nervous I would shake, my parents couldn't understand it. My Dad would just say "man up, you weren't like this when you were younger" ....I remember one particular bad day...I found myself dealing with a client all alone ..my boss hadn't arrived yet...and I dropped something...and it spilled all over the floor. A waste of expensive chemicals. Wasting what the client had come for.

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PS...Ain't nothing worse than when you are young, gaining experience and the client you are dealing with asks "Are you sure you know what you are doing ?"

Seriously ? Why the Eff do ppl ask that ? That's like the one question to ensure that the person screws-up

FYI to all of us SAers, no matter how frustrating your day is going, if you go for a service and the person serving looks young...please don't ask him " Do you know what you are doing?"
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There were women, who left college with me...same class...working the same job...and they were picking up the skills quicker than I was...no nervous accidents ....I....felt....so unmanly about the whole thing. It made me even more afraid to talk to women.

It was just a cycle of mistake...shame...fear of making another mistake...fear fulfilled...more shame

However I got a lucky break. Two of the older male supervisors coached me

Two very different approaches. One of them was very hands on... kept saying ...You got this ! I know you can do it...this task is nonsense...

The other...was a much older SAer himself..and told me how he once broke all the equipment in an exam whilst at university !

They helped me.

Sometimes I used to get really depressed, I used to think...even if I can study the work and learn it....even if I was the top student in my class...what does it matter...if nervousness prevents me from performing at work.

At different points in university I would Ace the written exam and have to take the practical exam twice...

I often found myself in situations where ...I would coach a classmate on subject material...and the person I coached would pass no problem, and I would be repeating the practical exam...I mean the practical exams were all about dexterity...even if I perfectly understood the theory it wouldn't matter if my nerves prevented me from doing the task.

I learnt great humility. Sitting in line for the redo of the test with classmates whom I thought were "beneath" me.

Sometimes...I felt like crying whilst trying to do a simple 'task' and hearing the professor yelling behind me to "hurry up" "how are you going to function on the real job?"

Even when I graduated...this still happened sometimes. But I pushed through.

Today I am a professional. I will keep pushing. I will specialize one day.

Over the years I have had some very toxic thoughts that could have destroyed my career if I let it take hold such as

1. I will never be able to get my dream job because I am too nervous
2. I am the biggest nervous wreck ever to study this field
3. I am just not good enough

Each time I think these thoughts (because anxiety never truly goes away), I
replace them with these:

1. This has been my dream from childhood, I REFUSE to let anxiety take it away from me

2. I am not the most nervous person to study this

3. I am good enough...I have studied the work. I know the work. I have faced emergency situations before and performed physical tasks without shaking...I am in control.

So yes ...you may feel SA prevents you from being a doctor, an engineer, a representative or whatever passion it is you have...that involves dealing directly with people every day...even in high stakes situations....but that is not true.

SA is not my master !
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 06:25 AM
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Thanks for this. Exactly what I needed to hear rn.

Miles to go before I sleep.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for this. Exactly what I needed to hear rn.
Happy to help
If I can motivate one person here with my story...it is enough.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 02:40 PM
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It has already ruined my career as I have no career.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 04:19 PM
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It has already ruined my career as I have no career.
yeah this. no one ever coached me in the various careers I tried. mostly I got bullied and marginalised.

it is a case of "you can do it", but only if they let you.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 04:46 PM
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Thanks for this. Exactly what I needed to hear rn.
Happy to help [IMG class=inlineimg]/forum/images/SAS_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png[/IMG]
If I can motivate one person here with my story...it is enough.
I didn't necessarily get motivated from it. What I got was more validation for how crucial compassion is for a human being to thrive. You grew under 2 mentors coaching you with patience, kindness encouragement- you got this, I know you can do this, etc. That's the ideal condition pple need, an environment of safety and encouragement that allows them space to make mistakes and keep trying until they get it. Your post validated I'm on the right track with the patience, kindness, compassion piece that I emphasize. Especially in regards to career. Beating myself up is not the way to go. Showing up daily with understanding of just how difficult this is for me, giving myself consistent support, compassion and care is the path to take. Idk if that's what you meant for pple to take from it, but that's what I got lol. Thanks again.

Miles to go before I sleep.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 06:38 PM Thread Starter
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I didn't necessarily get motivated from it. What I got was more validation for how crucial compassion is for a human being to thrive. You grew under 2 mentors coaching you with patience, kindness encouragement- you got this, I know you can do this, etc. That's the ideal condition pple need, an environment of safety and encouragement that allows them space to make mistakes and keep trying until they get it. Your post validated I'm on the right track with the patience, kindness, compassion piece that I emphasize. Especially in regards to career. Beating myself up is not the way to go. Showing up daily with understanding of just how difficult this is for me, giving myself consistent support, compassion and care is the path to take. Idk if that's what you meant for pple to take from it, but that's what I got lol. Thanks again.
Well yes, that too. Trust me...beating up yourself is NOT the way to go....it only amplifies the anxiety.

Another thing that helps is lowering your goal to individual tasks. Manageable tasks, instead of saying..everything will go perfect today...start by saying...whatever happens with this next customer, I can handle it.

That way...even if one customer experience doesn't go well...it won't mess up your whole day.

I also find it rewarding to apply the kind of compassion my mentors gave me....when I am coaching juniors now.

I consciously make the effort not to say things like "Do you know what you are doing " ....I remember how much that question used to aggravate my anxiety.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 07:07 PM
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Yes it would be a lot easier if we all had great parents and mentors to help us learn and grow. Unfortunately that dosent happen to often in the real world. You either have abusive or clueless parents or when you get to into the job market you have idiots have supervisors and co workers. You have to be a little lucky to get into a situation where you have people who give a crap about you. I guess keep changing jobs if you can until you find that situation.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-05-2019, 06:42 AM Thread Starter
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Yes it would be a lot easier if we all had great parents and mentors to help us learn and grow. Unfortunately that dosent happen to often in the real world. You either have abusive or clueless parents or when you get to into the job market you have idiots have supervisors and co workers. You have to be a little lucky to get into a situation where you have people who give a crap about you. I guess keep changing jobs if you can until you find that situation.
Come' on guys..Im trying here. this is the positive thinking section ain't it ?

Look I ain't trying to be like those rich guys who say.."you are poor because you have a poor mindset" etc....I think that kind of motivation is condenscending."

I know the struggle is real. And I am not saying, that because I made it...others can make it just as easily as I. Some may have it easier some may have it worse.

I'm just tryna be uplifting
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-05-2019, 09:06 AM
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Come' on guys..Im trying here. this is the positive thinking section ain't it ?

Look I ain't trying to be like those rich guys who say.."you are poor because you have a poor mindset" etc....I think that kind of motivation is condenscending."

I know the struggle is real. And I am not saying, that because I made it...others can make it just as easily as I. Some may have it easier some may have it worse.

I'm just tryna be uplifting

Yes I agree with you. Stay positive and never quit and get help when you need it.
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-05-2019, 09:58 AM
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Yes it would be a lot easier if we all had great parents and mentors to help us learn and grow. Unfortunately that dosent happen to often in the real world. You either have abusive or clueless parents or when you get to into the job market you have idiots have supervisors and co workers. You have to be a little lucky to get into a situation where you have people who give a crap about you. I guess keep changing jobs if you can until you find that situation.
Or do the seemingly damn near impossible task of developing that unconditional positive regard within yourself. A good therapist can model it for you, but still to internalize that acceptance after having experienced the opposite is really ****ing daunting. It's possible though. Definitely not a journey for the faint of heart, but super worth it. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but even the small changes have made a huge difference for me. Nothing beats being on your own side. Nothing. Truly life changing.

Miles to go before I sleep.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-07-2019, 02:18 AM Thread Starter
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Or do the seemingly damn near impossible task of developing that unconditional positive regard within yourself. A good therapist can model it for you, but still to internalize that acceptance after having experienced the opposite is really ****ing daunting. It's possible though. Definitely not a journey for the faint of heart, but super worth it. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but even the small changes have made a huge difference for me. Nothing beats being on your own side. Nothing. Truly life changing.

Yep. It would be easy to say I am completely past all anxiety...but that is a fool's thinking. What I do differently is that I accept that things make me anxious....but at the same time, not let that anxiety control me.

For example instead of : thinking " Im feel anxious, everybody is going to notice my anxiety...I can't do it"

I tell myself "Vincymon, I know Im feeling anxious, I don't care who notices, Im gonna do this (whatever public task it is that I have to do at the time)"
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