You said, "I've been feeling quite alright for the last few months, with the exception of some alcohol abuse the last weeks but whatever, at least I've stopped cutting and I'm absolutely sure that I never want to hurt myself again like that.
Also, I've completely abandoned the idea of suicide, I'm not even considering it anymore, I've realised that I want to stick around, just because of all the experiences I will be missing. Actually it has been a long time since I have felt this good and I have no idea where it's coming from, but you know what, that doesn't matter."
I've kinda been around the block and back and I'll tell you a few things. One is that the above behaviors don't solve your problem.
It just sounds like you're running as fast as you can away from your feelings. The problem is no matter where you go, there you are. The same person, same problems, same feelings. Only after an escape move you have a hangover, killed somebody on the road during a psychotic episode, cuts and scars or in jail. And let me tell you about scars. I'm 54 years old and they so don't look pretty when you're my age and your grandkid asks you what they are. And as you get older, they get more pronounced and white so even the person who is taking blood at a blood bank knows that you were a cutter.
So rather than you scar yourself for life or kill yourself or somebody else, maybe think about feeling whatever it is you're running from.
Are you in therapy? It sounds like you need a professional who can help you dip your toes into the feelings very slowly and safely.
For decades I ran from feelings because I thought they would kill me. Just the one or two seconds I allowed myself to feel was so overwhelming I couldn't breathe. But I've since learned that feelings won't kill you, whereas trying not to feel will, i.e. wrapping yourself around a telephone pole in a drunken stupor.
I still struggle with dipping my toes into feelings. I sometimes run away. But I don't cut or drink or think of suicide anymore. The feelings I have taken on are just that..........feelings.
One more thing and I promise I will stop nagging you.
The reason feelings from something in our past appear to be so intense is because you are seeing them through a younger self. Some of my traumas took place when I was 5 years old. Think of how a 5 year old would feel in a house fire as opposed to a 20 year old. A 20 year old would be afraid, but would understand to get out and would eventually see that they were safe. A 5 year old has absolutely no control over his/her safety, so the feeling is powerlessness, terror and no way out. Feelings from the past appear to be strong because they are from the point of view (usually) of when you felt powerless and terrorized with no way out. That's why they seem to be able to kill you. But they are just feelings and as an adult, we are able to deal with them better. We just don't think we can.
Sorry for the long explanation. I'm both a trauma survivor and a Licensed Professional Counselor (now a librarian tho