The important thing to understand is...
Everyone has intrusive thoughts. Often about ****ed up ****. You just don't see it, because they don't talk about it. It's absolutely 100% normal. Intrusive thoughts are literally how our brains function. They have nothing to do with responsibility.
What people without OCD don't have, is the (either genetic, or environmental, or both) predisposition to be particularly bothered by the thoughts.
ERP (CBT) is the best treatment, try to get this (I am currently trying for to access). But until then, or failing that:
1. Don't make it worse. Don't fight the thoughts, you can't. Don't perform actions to make you more safe (it will make things worse).
2. Accept this is an artefact of the way all brains work. Don't go heaping shame or guilt on yourself, where its possible to avoid it.
3. Try acceptance and commitment therapy. Try the leaves on a stream meditation (my favourite for all things cognitive). Do this daily for 10 mins. Its worth a try.
Be kind to yourselves, above all else. I understand the ****ing misery this can cause, am sorry you all struggle with it. It's not your faults.