New personality disorder?
I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's interfering with my life. I can't really find anything like it on-line. Or maybe I'm just odd, I don't know. Anyway I describe my behaviour.
I avoid everyone. I cut contact with a group of old friends. I met a load of new people at uni, and avoid them as much as possible. It's like socialising angers me. When I'm with them though I'm not quiet or shy or anything, in fact I find it alright. The weird part is as soon as I leave I'll believe that the conversation we just had was horrible, and awkward. That they all hate me. I'll go back to avoiding until I cross them again, then the cycle repeats.
I interpret everything wrong. This is hard to explain. Often when people tell me something, or ask me to do something, I'll think they're asking me something else. This happens all day 24 7. My brother thinks I act like it on purpose to annoy him, my Mum even said today, and I quote, 'You can't be that stupid, are you winding me up?' Examples are as follows:
1) I was doing a maths test when I was 16. On the board it said 'do question 1-3, after, the rest.' This meant to do question 1-3, mark it with the class then do the rest of the questions. For some reason I saw 'rest' as 'have a rest.' I remember wondering why the teacher had put a the in front of it. I failed the maths test.
2) Today, and this is what inspired the post. My Mum asked me to post a letter for her to her friend. She meant to put it in the letter box down the street. What I did was catch a train, travelled a couple of miles to the address on the envelope, and posted it through the letter slot of the house. Then I came back.
Stuff like this happens all the time, I don't trust myself doing things any more and get people to be extremely specific. I always worry I'll do something stupid like usual. Also I just read this stuff back and already it's sort of all over the place. Or it's not and I think it is.
I'm ridiculously immature for a 19 year old male. To the point where I make random noises in my room, sing opera around the house. Scream for no reason. Whenever I'm in a room with my brother I'll start pulling faces at him. At university I was in a pub with a group of guys, they were talking about sport. I suddenly asked, 'hey, what's everyone's favourite colour?!' They proceeded to make fun of me. I also have this thing that happens sometimes when I spaz out, flail my arms quickly, like you sometimes see disabled people do. You know, when they kind of have their hands in front of them. Like that.
When I'm talking to people sometimes I find it very hard to convey my opinion. I will start to stutter, often forget common words. Like earlier I forgot the word 'car' somehow when talking to my brother. Most people can't follow my train of thought, or will just smile politely when I talk and not respond because they have no idea what I mean. I'm not nervous or anything when talking to these people, it's like I have some kind of impediment of the mouth. I remember once it got me so mad I just screamed at a girl, that happened several weeks ago.
The main concern I have is the fact that I think I may be starting to get depressed. I feel like I have this barrier between me and regular people, that I can't relate to anyone. I can't talk to anyone properly without ridiculing myself, or not making sense. I can't be mature for a second. Talking about the news bores me to death and I lose interest immediately. I can't see myself ever getting a girlfriend because I can't imagine anyone is immature enough or weird enough to put up with me.
I don't really have any proper friends. I keep avoiding everyone because I can't stand being laughed at or called 'weird' all the time. I cut contact with an old group of friends because they did this. And the new group is not much better, worse even, as they are more mature. So I avoid them too. I just stay in my room a lot. When home my brother will often complain to my Mum that I should see a therapist, that's there's something wrong with me. My Dad gets angry a lot at my weird behaviour, my Mum keeps telling me 'she's worried about me.'
Also I have a dreadful memory. If you've ever seen the movie Memento then you'll get an idea of what it's like. It's not that severe of course. It's like my memories fade after I've just done something. I can never remember what I've just done. I brush my teeth twice in a row some days because I couldn't remember doing it the first time. I have notes that I write in pen all over my arms will stuff like 'cut nails' on, and times and places to be.
I don't know what's going on. I'm not sure if I have a personality disorder or what. What's interesting is I took a personality disorder test, and scored 'High' on every disorder. Schizotypal was slightly higher than the others, but I'm not sure if that's what I have, that disorder involves magical thinking and psychic abilities or something.