Most of us have childhood traumas - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Most of us have childhood traumas


After watching videos of Gabor Mate this guy's videos were recommended to me and his channel turned out to be a real treasure. He's a former therapist and his channel is about therapy, self-therapy, childhood trauma, critique of mental health field and many other things

He's so open and sincere and therefore so courageous to be vulnerable and authentic and he does a lot of self-expression which makes him my new role model (and I don't have a lot of people I consider role models). He gives me so much motivation. I found his views on society similar to mine, They're about how much the society wants you to repress yourself and become like a ''normal'' person who's just split off from their true feelings, true self and their history, roots, past and therefore their whole being. Refusing to adhere to it despite negative consequences of shaming and some social rejection is also what makes him so rare.

The thing is to work on your childhood and other traumas you have to be emotionally open and totally honest with yourself and also the only way to do it is through creativity and emotional part of your brain (especially if it's an early childhood trauma because only that part you've been split off from holds the memory about the trauma), including fantasies, dreams, body etc. And this is something I've been really struggling with and that's another reason why I didn't have much progress in therapy. I have this huge feeling of shame many of people from this site can relate to. On the other hand, many people on this site are so much better in self-expression than me, tehy're so creative. I'm only starting to work on developing this skill. But then again what matters in therapy (and self-therapy) is not just any self-expression or creativity, but using it as a tool to work on your traumas. So for starters you have to be aware and fully acknowledge that you have this trauma.

Anyway, if you're interested I think you'll find a lot of value in watching his videos. He talks about various topics and his experience and what he observed in people and his patients and I'm sure you will relate at least to some of it. Here's his channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx0...GUhmL4Wlq3q7XA


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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-19-2019, 07:39 AM
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I have heard of him and I will be checking this out
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-19-2019, 08:05 AM
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thanks for posting this....
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-23-2019, 12:18 PM
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Anyway, if you're interested I think you'll find a lot of value in watching his videos. He talks about various topics and his experience and what he observed in people and his patients and I'm sure you will relate at least to some of it. Here's his channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx0...GUhmL4Wlq3q7XA

I watched the opening of one of his videos. Seems like a good channel. Thanks for the tipoff.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-24-2019, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
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You're welcome!

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-09-2019, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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This guy reminds me of Mr. Goodsir from a show called ''The Terror''. It's a rare type of an extremely empathic person. I would also put myself in that box. I wish my therapist was like that, but sadly she's not and that's not helping me at all.


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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-18-2019, 11:25 AM
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I think this is true. The man in the second video described my experience of going to therapy exactly. I think I always knew that something in my past had affected me but I would never acknowledge it. It wasn't until talking it over with a therapist that I started to see the extent to which my social problems are a reaction to trauma.


There's an excellent book on this subject called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.This book has given me answers to pretty much all of the questions I've been struggling with over the last twenty years or so.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-18-2019, 08:45 PM Thread Starter
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New video where he talks about the importance of having a respectful, supportive, nurturing relationship in therapy

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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-09-2019, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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This article ''Seven Mental Techniques to Let Our Abusive Parents Off the Hook'' is so good. I see people doing that all the time.

I think it's vital to read it for those who want to heal their childhood traumas. And those who don't and are very loud to defend their defense mechanisms, their splitting off from their true emotional selves and keep living absolutely inauthentic lives and who discourage others (especially those who want to actually break through, heal and change) that way they can continue living their miserable lifes forever. I'm saying this cause I'm so fed up with them. They're everywhere and their anti-libidal egos and traumas they identify with not only kill their libidal egos, they also want to kill yours and they can be pretty succesful in doing so.

Here's the full article by Daniel: http://wildtruth.net/seven-mental-te...-off-the-hook/

But I also think it's important to copy those 'mental techniques' in this thread. I hope Daniel doesn't mind
Here they are:

1) Blame intergenerational trauma
2) Blame another race or a political party or an economic system or immigrants
3) Say your parents did the best they could and then forgive them
4) Vilify one parent and let the other parent off the hook
5) Blame a sibling
6) Point out how others have it worse than you and devote all your energy to bettering their lot in life
7) Blame traumas from later in life


He explains why in the article. In short, it's because although these reasons matter on global scale and they do indeed contribute to our condition, we should address the direct harm our parents caused us. Otherwise we will continue to identify with how they treated us and their false mindset and we will keep splitting off and there will be no change in our lifes and ourselves. We shouldn't think of those things as excuses for our parents so that we'd instantly ''forgive'' (=forget) what they've done while addressing it fully is a very important step we can't skip. That's what I hear from my therapist and other sources too.

Of course, there is so much more that keeps us from healing, but it's just one article and you know how articles and this style of writing works.

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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-09-2019, 11:53 AM
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Problem is the time on doing so. I've had it where therapists asked me, assuming many problems I've displayed were due to past events. Not that my life was pitch perfect, but it was far from true hell as well.

Will look into it some time.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-09-2019, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Problem is the time on doing so. I've had it where therapists asked me, assuming many problems I've displayed were due to past events. Not that my life was pitch perfect, but it was far from true hell as well.

Will look into it some time.
It's very hard to remember your childhood. We can't remember some events simply due to our limited memory, we forgot other ones because they were bad and our conscious decided it would be better for us to forget. But when it comes to early childhood trauma it's impossible to remember it at all. It can even happen in the womb. My therapist says that I can make myself noticing my current state. For example, feeling the hostility of the environment unlike people without traumas similar to mine (non-schizoid).

It would be healthier to stop feeling a possible blame about your feelings and the fact that some people had worse things happening to them as children because what matters is not what exactly happened to you, but how it affected you internally. That's what trauma is. Children or babies don't perceive everything the same way as adults so only we can rationalize and compare. That's because babies and children depend on their parents entirely, their survival depends on them. But we can't get rid of it by rationalizing and comparing because our body and psyche remember everything.

During certain period of time it was ''normal'' for parents to kill their babies because their cry would annoy them. So someone most horribly abused can compare this to what happened to them and can also find that their childhood was nothing like that.

It does take lots of time, especially when there's so much distraction in our daily lives and because most people don't try to do this at all or they can be even not aware that such traumas exist.

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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-10-2019, 05:53 AM
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Only traumas I remember was when they made me go to the advanced class in primary school and the teacher for some reason walked behind me, pulled my hair and shoved her knee in my back. I must have told my parents because my father came down and had a little talk to the principal. He told them they were going to let me do whatever I wanted and go to whichever class I felt like - so that was much better. I went back to my friends in the other class.

The other thing was when I wet my pants in class. I must have been about 8 - very embassing. Maybe that's why I have a fear of classrooms.

My parents never caused me any trauma that I know of - they probably prevented quite a bit of it though.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-10-2019, 10:57 AM
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Forgiveness is really the best revenge. it lets you go of the pain, but does NOT let the other person off the hook. They will get theirs; you will be free.

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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-10-2019, 01:46 PM
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sometimes you just have to accept the way you are and look for a place in the world where you can find peace.

I don't know about forgiveness. I can accept the facts. idk how to act on them. can't change the past.

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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2019, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Forgiveness is really the best revenge. it lets you go of the pain, but does NOT let the other person off the hook. They will get theirs; you will be free.
What do I see here? I see some relatively adaptive Christian mental gymnastics.

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sometimes you just have to accept the way you are and look for a place in the world where you can find peace.

I don't know about forgiveness. I can accept the facts. idk how to act on them. can't change the past.
There's no such place in this world and I will not accept it because it's too severe. It's either I cure it or I die because I don't want a meaningless life. I ''can't change the past'', but that doesn't mean I'm doomed to let it affect me forever and not to change internally. It can only be changed with the help of safe relationships that are unfortunately mostly possible only in therapy. People don't have to be rigid, they're capable of change. They can't change the way their parents affect them only in childhood, when they depend on their parents entirely. But the minset of the parents doesn't have to haunt you forever. When you grow up you realize the imperfections and immaturity of parents and it's extremely painful during some time. It's only when you were a child you didn't know anything better and they were an authority for you.

Please speak for yourself, not in the form of ''advices'' for others.

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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2019, 09:49 AM
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What do I see here? I see some relatively adaptive Christian mental gymnastics.



There's no such place in this world and I will not accept it because it's too severe. It's either I cure it or I die because I don't want a meaningless life. I ''can't change the past'', but that doesn't mean I'm doomed to let it affect me forever and not to change internally. It can only be changed with the help of safe relationships that are unfortunately mostly possible only in therapy. People don't have to be rigid, they're capable of change. They can't change the way their parents affect them only in childhood, when they depend on their parents entirely. But the minset of the parents doesn't have to haunt you forever. When you grow up you realize the imperfections and immaturity of parents and it's extremely painful during some time. It's only when you were a child you didn't know anything better and they were an authority for you.

Please speak for yourself, not in the form of ''advices'' for others.
It actually works. I've seen it happen. One example was what brought me here - a bad church experience. Some people call the church I went to a "cult". You know, the leadership can't be questioned and they always have "yes" men underneath them?! They tried to kick me out twice using their own version of doctrine (which was incorrectly applied to me!).


I left that church on June 6, 2004 nearly having a nervous breakdown. What happened after that was completely God-driven. The wife of the pastor - who was THE leader of what I call a "spiritually abusive" church, started getting into BIG trouble with her own family. She lost her brother to cancer and tried to keep his inheritance away from his own family...they sued and won (causing embarrassment to her)...then the church statue that my unemployed money offerings went to was struck by lightning and did almost $1M in damage.....and then she lost her husband to a stroke (he was the lead pastor and a really nice guy despite rumors about him). This was all in seven years after I left. I forgave her, and she did herself in.


Like you, I still have to deal with childhood traumas with classmates, but I started using it as motivation to improve myself. Let them be on their third marriages, or with their 23rd baby dad. I will improve myself and be encouraging to those around me. Block out the bad, but allow the good in!

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2019, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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It actually works. I've seen it happen. One example was what brought me here - a bad church experience. Some people call the church I went to a "cult". You know, the leadership can't be questioned and they always have "yes" men underneath them?! They tried to kick me out twice using their own version of doctrine (which was incorrectly applied to me!).


I left that church on June 6, 2004 nearly having a nervous breakdown. What happened after that was completely God-driven. The wife of the pastor - who was THE leader of what I call a "spiritually abusive" church, started getting into BIG trouble with her own family. She lost her brother to cancer and tried to keep his inheritance away from his own family...they sued and won (causing embarrassment to her)...then the church statue that my unemployed money offerings went to was struck by lightning and did almost $1M in damage.....and then she lost her husband to a stroke (he was the lead pastor and a really nice guy despite rumors about him). This was all in seven years after I left. I forgave her, and she did herself in.


Like you, I still have to deal with childhood traumas with classmates, but I started using it as motivation to improve myself. Let them be on their third marriages, or with their 23rd baby dad. I will improve myself and be encouraging to those around me. Block out the bad, but allow the good in!
I used to try to be Christian when I was 14-17 (Orthodox Christianity). They have different mental gymnastics due to cultural and local differences, but they're still mental gymnastics. I'm not that dissociated from my own self now as I always was before so now too much of it seems like it's so far away from actual life. You have to be cut off from your senses in order to achieve being a good Christian, but at the same time you have to do it sincerely and it's impossible since you're cut off from your true self. They say ''it's only possible with God, you have to always pray about it'', but nope, it doesn't help. Not only it didn't help me, but I didn't see it helping people either. C'est impossible. I don't know what Christ meant, haven't read him in a looooong time, but what Christians do is delusional in my experience. It's not helpful, it makes things worse.

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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2019, 10:58 AM
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I used to try to be Christian when I was 14-17 (Orthodox Christianity). They have different mental gymnastics due to cultural and local differences, but they're still mental gymnastics. I'm not that dissociated from my own self now as I always was before so now too much of it seems like it's so far away from actual life. You have to be cut off from your senses in order to achieve being a good Christian, but at the same time you have to do it sincerely and it's impossible since you're cut off from your true self. They say ''it's only possible with God, you have to always pray about it'', but nope, it doesn't help. Not only it didn't help me, but I didn't see it helping people either. C'est impossible. I don't know what Christ meant, haven't read him in a looooong time, but what Christians do is delusional in my experience. It's not helpful, it makes things worse.
It depends on knowing what to do. It's all about the relationship with Jesus anyway; it's not the church or the people in it. He alone got me out of the situation and led me to a better church where people do care.


I am still reeling from what she did - for starters, she used her sermons to attack people, but did it in a vague manner to affect people and push her agendas. She snapped at me for not joining her choir (when God kinda told me not to do it because it meant being completely subservient to her daughter who led the worship - the document we had to sign said so!).


I have an issue with people doing things around me and behind my back. If you look up the Matthew 18 area, they tried to apply that three strike rule to me - twice - and never told me what I was doing wrong. Looking back, I was so anxious and scared to death, I didn't know what was going on. When I left, my anxiety was so severe, I wasn't eating, and I was in the fetal position, rocking and trying to relax from all of the worry. I new what Job had gone through - it's an ugly state to be in. Doctors thought I was bipolar.....and I was tested twice! I was even put on Lithium (like eating a battery!) and all it did was severely amplify any OCD I ever thought I had.

It ended up being SA and a bit of paranoia (lack of trusting!)

I went to Jesus despite the nerves - He knows what's in my heart even if I didn't at the time! When He said that all things turn good for those who are in Christ, He's not kidding.


It's interesting that we are having this discussion so close to Easter, too. That last week was harrowing for Him....I only got a sample of what He did.

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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2019, 01:23 PM
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Childhood traumas screw you up and I'm a walking example of that. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, both parents were alcoholics, sexually molested by a pedophile family member, and I think the final straw was when the only friends I had both dumped me and stopped talking to me. That's really when the depression started, and the anxiety followed after and got really severe. I got to the point where I stopped trusting people and just stayed away from them as a defense mechanism to protect myself.

Now I'm older, and realizing I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone... I'm trying to trust people more and give people chances, but I'm sick of getting f**ked over and disappointed. People always seem to abandon me at some point... so it's like 'why bother'?

Through oblivion I charge
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