Originally Posted by SorryForMyEnglish
I used to try to be Christian when I was 14-17 (Orthodox Christianity). They have different mental gymnastics due to cultural and local differences, but they're still mental gymnastics. I'm not that dissociated from my own self now as I always was before so now too much of it seems like it's so far away from actual life. You have to be cut off from your senses in order to achieve being a good Christian, but at the same time you have to do it sincerely and it's impossible since you're cut off from your true self. They say ''it's only possible with God, you have to always pray about it'', but nope, it doesn't help. Not only it didn't help me, but I didn't see it helping people either. C'est impossible. I don't know what Christ meant, haven't read him in a looooong time, but what Christians do is delusional in my experience. It's not helpful, it makes things worse.
It depends on knowing what to do. It's all about the relationship with Jesus anyway; it's not the church or the people in it. He alone got me out of the situation and led me to a better church where people do care.
I am still reeling from what she did - for starters, she used her sermons to attack people, but did it in a vague manner to affect people and push her agendas. She snapped at me for not joining her choir (when God kinda told me not to do it because it meant being completely subservient to her daughter who led the worship - the document we had to sign said so!).
I have an issue with people doing things around me and behind my back. If you look up the Matthew 18 area, they tried to apply that three strike rule to me - twice - and never told me what I was doing wrong. Looking back, I was so anxious and scared to death, I didn't know what was going on. When I left, my anxiety was so severe, I wasn't eating, and I was in the fetal position, rocking and trying to relax from all of the worry. I new what Job had gone through - it's an ugly state to be in. Doctors thought I was bipolar.....and I was tested twice! I was even put on Lithium (like eating a battery!) and all it did was severely amplify any OCD I ever thought I had.
It ended up being SA and a bit of paranoia (lack of trusting!)
I went to Jesus despite the nerves - He knows what's in my heart even if I didn't at the time! When He said that all things turn good for those who are in Christ, He's not kidding.
It's interesting that we are having this discussion so close to Easter, too. That last week was harrowing for Him....I only got a sample of what He did.