Wow, I had no idea this was a thing. This is the first (and probably last) time I have ever admitted this, but this describes me so well. It's gotten to the point that I will consciously choose do it in the middle of the day for a couple hours even though I have things I have to do. It takes me 2-4 hours to go to bed every night and I complain about having insomnia but deep down I know it's because I'm doing this. So it's definitely to the point that it's effecting my life in a negative way, but I don't want to stop. I am extremely emotionally attached to the characters to the point that I would get very depressed if I stopped. (it was very hard for me to type that) It just... very comforting and makes me happy, I don't know how to describe it.
I feel such strong shame over this, the shame I feel about my SA doesn't even begin to compare. There are a few things, for me at least, that I wouldn't even consider telling another person or professional even if I was getting out all my dirty secrets. This is definitely one of them. I even avoided using "daydreams" or "fantasies" in this post, because the words themselves cause me embarrassment.
I told two people this week, I have never spoken about it before I have had this for 34 years....I actually wrote it down and gave it to my therapist. She accepted it, wasn't surprised by it even. I told her because she was asking the right questions and I kept pushing her away, telling her that I wasn't ready, getting panicky. But I knew that I trusted her. She isn't just a therapist, she is also a medical doctor, which helps. She says it can be a reaction to isolation and trauma when we are young..in the same we others may us alcohol or drugs. And she admitted to her own daydreams..it was the most open she had even been with me. I was shaking with shame and fear.
Today I told one other person, the person that I trust the most, who got me to my therapist and actually saved my life. I used the same note. He too understood and was not surprised, I was shaking so hard too. It has been so, so painful but I feel better that two people know, the two people I trust the most. If you tell someone it has to be someone you are comfortable with and will not judge you for it.
When I was about 21, I discovered Anne of Green Gables, it is a children's book, but Anne Shirley who was an orphan and their were hints in the book about her being mistreated....She developed her own imaginary world..she was able to use it to become a writer but it started out of loneliness and childhood trauma....But I still didn't talk about until Thursday night.