Oh, dear. That sounds terrible. Has this ever led you to doing something that made others notice?
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Unfortunately about a month ago it involved the police and I had to get picked up by my parents or go to a hospital. I thought I was being watched on TV by a group as a test subject as someone mentally ill. So out of anger I left my house at midnight and started narrating everything I saw and said my thoughts aloud to give context to the potential audience. Then I said aloud "Wtf are you doing none of this is happening" but I was afraid that if I stopped they would misjudge me since they wouldn't have context to my actions, maybe if I narrated it then they would think I wasn't weird and would be more understanding of my thought pattern.
I was along the highway and someone had called in that I was just walking around, police came, I explained my fears but said I'm probably wrong and to please not take anything I say to heart because I wasn't doing well and I see my doctor soon so I could make it. I was transparent, and the cops were really nice about it and wished me luck. It's hard because I know I was trying my hardest to stop it, and it still happened but oh well. Thankfully doing well right now
Thank you for you very kind words to the psychiatric field. Psychiatry is probably the most disrespected field of medicine next to chiropractors. It's frustrating because we go through all this medical training and schooling, the same as every other MD, and yet we can't always see how to heal our patients. It's still a while yet before I reach that part. but it will be extremely taxing when it comes. The reward though when a patient who suffers finds a regiment that makes them feel better, that's what it's all about. I'm specializing in schizophrenia and personality disorders, so the conditions many strip-mall psychs don't really like to treat. Learning how to approach schizophrenia and its related disorders is akin to learning deep philosophy: barely anyone truly understands it, but we can put the pieces together best we can and roll with it.
I see now, yeah I've really only ever seen gabapentin prescribed for people with MS or pain in their back or extremities. He was right to avoid benzodiazapines and probably antidepressants as well. I agree that the worse symptom should be dealt with first. Some mood stabilizers are good for schizoaffective, and ECT has shown to possibly reduce psychotic symptoms while also allowing antidepressants to work better and resolve depressive symptoms. I do truly hope you find a way to overcome your psychosis though, and it's fantastic that you've developed such a great patient relationship with your doctor.
Yeah there's this mainstream view of psychiatry and mental health medication in general being a sham that makes things worse, it's horrible. Like I'm glad that it's at least clear that medication is not a simple thing, it can have awful side effects and often involves a legnthy trial and error process, but this outright hatred of it pisses me off. I used to subscribe to that viewpoint because me as a teenager grew up with that being parroted everywhere, and me going off my meds gave me a larger pool of humiliating flashbacks that could have been avoided. It just discourages those from getting the help they need, some people even reject the existence of mental illness. Like I'd love for them to explain why I suddenly can go 4-5 days without any sleep or why I intermittently feel like sleeping with a knife under my pillow, guess it's just "the real me" to them lol.
I think part of the difficulty is that it's often latent in mental health, for physical health you can see and measure a problem but in mental illness it requires time and examination of someone's life and the clues to a mental illness is sometimes given in a few scattered statements that the patient casually says, unaware of any problem. And with schizophrenia and bipolar having the impairment of insight and awareness, it's hard because I didn't share any of the crazy **** I did to my doctor because I didn't think much of it at the time. Same thing with the reaction to a medication, mood and sanity are not numerical values you can plug into a calculator, it's a whole spectrum of traits interacting with each other. It's a hard thing, and I credit you guys for doing what often seems like the impossible to us suffering. Having a good relationship with psychiatrist/client is so crucial because it can be a very personal thing learning the intricacies of the client, and the patient has to trust the doctor.
Thanks again, so far things are looking good! Hope it lasts, don't want to jinx myself just yet. Good luck on your studies