Im not very good at being grateful - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-28-2019, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
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Im not very good at being grateful


I know its important but i feel like i am averse to feeling grateful. especially to other people. part of it i think, is that i dont like owing people

does anyone also feel the same, or used to feel the same? how did you change


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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-29-2019, 12:29 PM
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I've had the same problem.

Gratitude implies a dependent relationship between yourself and another, or yourself and life, which is why you resist/resent it. When you have little to feel thankful for, expressing gratitude can have the contrary effect of humiliating you when you already feel low.

Instead of gratitude, think in terms of appreciation. Appreciating what you do have, and the help that you have received, does not put you in a dependent relationship.

Appreciation is a feeling that can be expressed between equals, without the implication of debt. "I appreciate what you've done for me" is very different in connotation from "I'm grateful to you", but it achieves the same end (acknowledging their effort). You can appreciate, for example, the fact that someone is trying to help you, but you might resent expressing gratitude if they haven't actually helped you. Gratitude is more properly reserved for situations in which you have asked for help and someone has given it to you. (If you have difficulty expressing gratitude in these situations your problem is more serious.)

It's hard to feel grateful for your life if you're suffering, but it's not that hard to appreciate the good things that you do have. I do not feel grateful to have the life that I have (eg. physical pain), but I have no problem appreciating the good things I do have (eg. the movie that distracts me from that pain). A homeless person may find it hard to feel grateful for the life that they have, but they can appreciate fine weather when the sun comes out. Appreciation is about directing your attention away from your negative experiences to whatever positive experiences are available to you.

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-29-2019, 04:26 PM
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Nothing to feel grateful for. You cant force yourself to be grateful if you don't feel it.

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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-29-2019, 04:30 PM
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You can practice feeling grateful, just sit there and feel what it's like to be grateful. Hold on to that feeling, it will feel good, you'll get a taste of what it's like and it might change you a bit.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-02-2019, 02:04 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your replies
@truant
i can try to be appreciative but when it comes to people it still feels like theres not much difference between gratefulness and appreciation. thank you though, its an interesting way of looking at things


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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-03-2019, 09:49 AM
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this song helps me a bit with trying to retain a mantra of gratefulness


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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-09-2019, 11:01 AM
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Oh I don't think I'm bad at being grateful (I'm often really bad at showing or expressing it, which could end up making people think I'm a jerk). I'm often just overwhelmed at someone's generosity (that is when someone actually does something generous for me). It kind of takes time for me to come to terms with it when the way people generally treat me is like I'm an obstacle. Just a useless object that's in their way. So it's like if someone does do something kind for me, it's like I haven't had food in a month and I just eat for days and then sleep in satisfaction and relief and then like a month later I wake up and think "Wow! What just happened? I didn't show any gratitude!"

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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-10-2019, 10:30 AM
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I wouldn't necessarily say I have a hard time feeling gratitude, but I do have difficulty showing it. I blame that on my NVLD though, it gives me kind of a flat affect...like you can never really tell what I am feeling inside. So I've had to work hard at trying to be effusive or really verbal with my emotions.

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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-10-2019, 12:05 PM
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Why would you force yourself into feeling something you can't feel? That's absurd. You don't owe people gratitude.

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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-10-2019, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SorryForMyEnglish View Post
Why would you force yourself into feeling something you can't feel? That's absurd. You don't owe people gratitude.
It's not necessarily that you owe it. It's just a gesture of goodwill. Someone extends peace by doing something for you. I know there are manipulative people who intend to hurt you in this way but generally, I think most people's hearts are pretty much in the right place when they do. You absolutely do not have to reciprocate. It just builds friendship and trust when you do.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-10-2019, 12:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
It's not necessarily that you owe it. It's just a gesture of goodwill. Someone extends peace by doing something for you. I know there are manipulative people who intend to hurt you in this way but generally, I think most people's hearts are pretty much in the right place when they do. You absolutely do not have to reciprocate. It just builds friendship and trust when you do.
Yeah, but the point of them doing somethig good for that person was probably in doing that and having a positive effect on that person, not in getting something out of it. People either automatically feel gratitude or they don't. And if they don't then what was done for them actually didn't have that much of an effect on them. When the person is emotionally shut down like the poster as I assume, it's a result of their upbringing and it's not their fault because they genuinely can't feel things due to the way they were developed. They shouldn't guit trip themselves or be guilt tripped into forcing themselves to be grateful. There's no need to ''summon'' the feeling you can't summon anyway. And if people highly expect it from you no matter what it's their problem, plus this motivation is kind of perverse. Just politeness is different though.

To be fair, I don't even know what I'm talking about and what other posters are talking about cause it's very abstract.

''Sit and make yourself feel gratitude''. What is that even about?

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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-10-2019, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by SorryForMyEnglish View Post
Just politeness is different though.
Well, that's usually good enough. Where would the world be without some level of politeness?

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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-10-2019, 12:50 PM
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Ya I am ok with being fake nice in real life, but my tone of voice is rather emotionless or static. It's weird though some people have their heads far up their *** that they resent me for not seeming genuine, when i'm really just trying to establish a courteous middle ground. Or perhaps they're just *******s who don't care about that kind of thing... which is their issue I guess.. A lot of the time people think i'm some pushover who isn't capable of fighting back.. Did I mention that I dislike a lot of people?

Anyways I try to stay positive, and keep it simple while trying to accept that being vulnerable isn't a bad thing all the time. I mean it's in our nature to be on the defense for bears and boars or w.e the **** wildlife used to oppose us back in the day.. deep breaths...I focus on my aspirations, learning in general, and meditation. I don't really have any form of hobby I excel at right now besides cooking and farming karma on reddit.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-13-2019, 07:39 AM
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you could practice being grateful by writing down three or more things youre grateful everyday and practice saying thank you often

My case is not unique: I am afraid of dying and distressed at being in the world.
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