I want to find something to live for - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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I want to find something to live for


I don't find meaning in anything.

I don't find hope in the future.

I spend most of my time at work.

I don't hate my job, I don't like it.

I spend any remaining time in my room.

I never go anywhere else.

I haven't had any irl friends since 2013.

---

Most people work because they need the money for something. I never really use my money because I live with my parents, and they are okay with treating me as a disabled thing. And I don't think I can be on my own, because I'm so mentally ill and not for financial reasons.

I stopped wanting anything, and nothing I want can be bought with money anyway.

My IQ is average, so it means I have to work as hard as everyone else there, who have no crippling mental issues to deal with. My work will never be a source of satisfaction for me.

I'm constantly under stress trying to hide all my issues.

I just have nothing better to do. And I get to interact with other people under some pretense.

Everyone at my job is either married, or married and has a kid or two. And they live for their families I guess.

I've never wanted that ever, but I am still surrounded by people who live very traditional lives, have very common goals and dreams. I feel envious of them, because I don't have any goals or dreams, or even a value system. Their life seems so straightforward it's so frustrating.

My interaction with other people is 99.9% meaningless and not genuine.

I have no sense of identity. Whenever I try to take off my masks, I find more masks, and nothing underneath those.

There probably is something real and ugly I can't find, though, I'm not sure if I will ever find it.

---

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a never ending dream, and my stream of consciousness has became more muted. But it isn't really by choice. I feel less in this dreamy state when I'm being genuine with someone, but that's so rare and always limited. I barely relate to anyone's life experience.

I'm very convinced there can ever be meaning in any person's life without some social context. I think the whole illusion of a meaningful existence is extremely tied to us being social animals.

I want that to be wrong though, since my life has no social context, and likely never will.

---

Not sure how to end this

I'm thinking of going back to therapy. But the hope is always so exhausting. I'm not even sure what to tell my psychiatrist.

Ma 'alena
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 03:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myosr View Post
I don't find meaning in anything.

I don't find hope in the future.

I spend most of my time at work.

I don't hate my job, I don't like it.

I spend any remaining time in my room.

I never go anywhere else.

I haven't had any irl friends since 2013.

---

Most people work because they need the money for something. I never really use my money because I live with my parents, and they are okay with treating me as a disabled thing. And I don't think I can be on my own, because I'm so mentally ill and not for financial reasons.

I stopped wanting anything, and nothing I want can be bought with money anyway.

My IQ is average, so it means I have to work as hard as everyone else there, who have no crippling mental issues to deal with. My work will never be a source of satisfaction for me.

I'm constantly under stress trying to hide all my issues.

I just have nothing better to do. And I get to interact with other people under some pretense.

Everyone at my job is either married, or married and has a kid or two. And they live for their families I guess.

I've never wanted that ever, but I am still surrounded by people who live very traditional lives, have very common goals and dreams. I feel envious of them, because I don't have any goals or dreams, or even a value system. Their life seems so straightforward it's so frustrating.

My interaction with other people is 99.9% meaningless and not genuine.

I have no sense of identity. Whenever I try to take off my masks, I find more masks, and nothing underneath those.

There probably is something real and ugly I can't find, though, I'm not sure if I will ever find it.

---

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a never ending dream, and my stream of consciousness has became more muted. But it isn't really by choice. I feel less in this dreamy state when I'm being genuine with someone, but that's so rare and always limited. I barely relate to anyone's life experience.

I'm very convinced there can ever be meaning in any person's life without some social context. I think the whole illusion of a meaningful existence is extremely tied to us being social animals.

I want that to be wrong though, since my life has no social context, and likely never will.

---

Not sure how to end this

I'm thinking of going back to therapy. But the hope is always so exhausting. I'm not even sure what to tell my psychiatrist.
First of all whoever tested your IQ made a mistake - there's no way it's "average."

Something that came to mind when I was reading your post was travel. Have you done any travelling outside your own country or area? I know I probably tend to always think about this because I love doing it myself - but there really are so many amazing places to see. If you live at home and are working then you've most likely got some savings.

You don't have to live a traditional life like the people you see around you. You can live whatever way you want to. You mentioned that what you want money can't buy - but what is it you actually want?

I think you're probably right about "meaning" in life usually having a social context. But you can meet new people - all over the world. People that have extremely different lives to you. Personally I've always found that exciting.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for responding

Quote:
Originally Posted by harrison View Post
First of all whoever tested your IQ made a mistake - there's no way it's "average."
I never tested it. I used to get panic attacks when I try those internet tests and never finish them because I get so paralyzed by the fear of being stupid.

I compare myself to people around me. Maybe it isn't "technically" IQ, but I'm just not good at problem solving, so effectively, yeah, I'm pretty dumb.

Quote:
Something that came to mind when I was reading your post was travel. Have you done any travelling outside your own country or area? I know I probably tend to always think about this because I love doing it myself - but there really are so many amazing places to see. If you live at home and are working then you've most likely got some savings.
I think about that sometimes. Last time I went on any vacation was maybe 15 years ago. I could probably benefit from the experience, but I find it almost impossible to do things alone.

I went to the US (work) last year for the first time. It was fun, I guess. I mean I had a couple of new experiences that I don't mind having. But it didn't really change me in any deep way. No cultural shock, no life changing event.

I do feel good when I'm on the plane or in a hotel though. It's one of the few times I can kid myself into believing I'm a grownup, and not handicapped with mental illness. It takes a lot of energy and preparation though. I can never do it naturally without thinking of every step and every possible thing that can go wrong.

Quote:
You don't have to live a traditional life like the people you see around you. You can live whatever way you want to. You mentioned that what you want money can't buy - but what is it you actually want?
I want to not need my parents in any way.
I want to have friends, so I don't go insane from being alone all the time.
And I want to feel less worried when I think about the future.

I know that's pretty vague, but there really isn't anything specific I want. Whatever kind of life can give me those things I'm fine with it. Because I feel like I lack 'agency', and it makes me feel like I'm not even human. And because I feel like that, I can't draw boundaries with other people, because I don't really respect myself (emotionally anyway). So I end up having even less agency, and so on. It just never ends, and all I want is to break that cycle.

I blame society for a lot of that though. Not because I'm bitter or anything, but I think it's very unhealthy for children to grow up the way I did. But that's a different story, and it isn't something I can fix anyway.


Quote:
I think you're probably right about "meaning" in life usually having a social context. But you can meet new people - all over the world. People that have extremely different lives to you. Personally I've always found that exciting.
People can be very different in superficial ways and very similar in more fundamental ways (because we're the same species). I used to think connecting with people from different parts of the world would be very different, but when I do that I end up feeling different in similar ways.

And I don't think the explanation is hard. The link on my end is broken. I lack the skills to share my experience with others in a meaningful and genuine way, and probably more importantly, to relate their experience to mine and give them something meaningful back. (And that's mostly because I'm not a functional grown up).

And that's also a kind of loop: the more I can't communicate, the more alien my experience of life becomes, and the harder it becomes to communicate it, because it's unrelatable to them. and so on.

I can understand why you find it exciting. I mean I can relate to the satisfaction from a third person viewpoint.

Ma 'alena
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-13-2019, 11:55 PM
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Iíll be very honest with you, I think you're depressed. From my personal experience when Iím not depressed thereís always something to look forward to or something i want even if I canít have it. Always no matter how little or how much i have in life there will always be something to desire. Itís only when im depressed that I donít even want to exist anymore.

Overall you are one hundred percent correct when you say that life is about being social creatures. The whole point of life comes down to one word, Love. Love from others. Love from your friends love from your dog, love from your partner, love from your coworkers it doesnít matter the whole point is to experience love and acceptance. So if you're not connecting with other people you're going against your purpose and against your own nature whether you like it or not.

Itís obviously harder to make great connections IRL but online friends can give you lots of love as well. I have a handful of friends on several platforms online and they do more than enough to fulfill my emotional needs. The mind doesnít really know the difference lol.

Itís not natural to want to be completely alone as you well know so work on getting your depression sorted out and start connecting with people .


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Live for the progress that you've made.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-14-2019, 01:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myosr View Post
I want to not need my parents in any way.
I want to have friends, so I don't go insane from being alone all the time.
And I want to feel less worried when I think about the future.


I blame society for a lot of that though. Not because I'm bitter or anything, but I think it's very unhealthy for children to grow up the way I did. But that's a different story, and it isn't something I can fix anyway.


And I don't think the explanation is hard. The link on my end is broken. I lack the skills to share my experience with others in a meaningful and genuine way, and probably more importantly, to relate their experience to mine and give them something meaningful back. (And that's mostly because I'm not a functional grown up).

And that's also a kind of loop: the more I can't communicate, the more alien my experience of life becomes, and the harder it becomes to communicate it, because it's unrelatable to them. and so on.
If you have money then this reliance on your parents is more emotional, is that right? You don't go into the specifics of how you were raised so I guess you mean you have been overprotected in some way?

I was thinking about something that sort of relates to this quite recently. It was more to do with how I felt about my own mother - and my family when I was younger. My feelings started to change when I was about 30 or so - when I got married. I had lived away for a lot of the time before that since about 19 or 20, with various girlfriends - but emotionally I felt like I was still very tied to my family - especially my mother.

That started to change once I met my wife and especially once my son was born. It wasn't an immediate thing - I don't think anything changes in our lives as quickly as that. They change gradually. And it obviously depends where you place your priorities. But once my son was born - my priority and focus became him. (and also my wife) It's actually slightly more complicated than that but that's the basics of it.

You keep saying you're not functional - but it sounds like you function quite well - you seem to have a good job etc and can travel overseas for work. That says quite a lot. Plus you've had friends before - 6 years ago isn't all that long. That shows that you can make friends - that you can open up to people enough to form relationships.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-14-2019, 01:43 PM
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And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-17-2019, 12:53 AM
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It sounds like you feel empty. Going to therapy if that is an option for you would probably be a good plan. I also want to ask is there anything you can think of that would make you feel more independent?
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-21-2019, 02:51 PM
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Hey, thanks for sharing.


People have always told me that i seem intelligent, but presumably people only say that when they are suprised that you don't seem as slow as they first assumed. So i assume this is of no meaning to you but your post was pleasant to read, written well and you communicate your thoughts and feelings very clearly! These are not signs that you should worry about your intelligence.


If our issues have any similar underlying causes, it might be helpful to recognise that even living a selfish life is meaningless for us because we dont like our 'self'. The idea of who we are is worthless, so why bother doing anything at all to please it? And even worse than that is that when we do start to achieve things, we sabotage it aggressively just to prove that we are as worthless as we have been telling ourselves all this time.


Probably making a lot of assumptions there which aren't justified. Sorry if i'm dictating your experiences etc, its a bad habit i have.


I just wanted to say that i did find a way out of that trap - its to pick a thing outside of yourself. I guess it doesnt really matter what it is, as long as its not something that reflects well on your 'self'. That way, it doesn't matter if you do well at it and dont need to sabotage it.


Apologies again, please correct me on this and i'll be more cautious with giving advice to strangers in the future!


Good wishes to you, brother / friend / comrade!
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-21-2019, 03:00 PM
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I identify with the OP. Despite a long career, I didn't really have an identity outside of work. I had no hobbies, really, though I've had my share of hobbies throughout my life. I was simply existing in an apartment and not living a very healthy lifestyle.

I knew I was at peace in nature, so I found my piece of land in eastern Tennessee. I have more hobbies and projects than I can count that lay ahead of me and I'm fortunate to maintain my income while telecommuting as well.

For now, my main project is surviving a whole house renovation, even though a contractor is doing it, it's still a lot of time I have to invest, a lot of decisions to make, and a lot of checks to write.

I've also gotten a new puppy which is giving me a new purpose as well.

So...bottom line...I made the conscious decision to put myself neck deep in the middle of an environment that will force me to figure out an entirely new lifestyle...and that is my purpose.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myosr View Post
I don't find meaning in anything.

I don't find hope in the future.

I spend most of my time at work.

I don't hate my job, I don't like it.

I spend any remaining time in my room.

I never go anywhere else.

I haven't had any irl friends since 2013.

---

Most people work because they need the money for something. I never really use my money because I live with my parents, and they are okay with treating me as a disabled thing. And I don't think I can be on my own, because I'm so mentally ill and not for financial reasons.

I stopped wanting anything, and nothing I want can be bought with money anyway.

My IQ is average, so it means I have to work as hard as everyone else there, who have no crippling mental issues to deal with. My work will never be a source of satisfaction for me.

I'm constantly under stress trying to hide all my issues.

I just have nothing better to do. And I get to interact with other people under some pretense.

Everyone at my job is either married, or married and has a kid or two. And they live for their families I guess.

I've never wanted that ever, but I am still surrounded by people who live very traditional lives, have very common goals and dreams. I feel envious of them, because I don't have any goals or dreams, or even a value system. Their life seems so straightforward it's so frustrating.

My interaction with other people is 99.9% meaningless and not genuine.

I have no sense of identity. Whenever I try to take off my masks, I find more masks, and nothing underneath those.

There probably is something real and ugly I can't find, though, I'm not sure if I will ever find it.

---

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a never ending dream, and my stream of consciousness has became more muted. But it isn't really by choice. I feel less in this dreamy state when I'm being genuine with someone, but that's so rare and always limited. I barely relate to anyone's life experience.

I'm very convinced there can ever be meaning in any person's life without some social context. I think the whole illusion of a meaningful existence is extremely tied to us being social animals.

I want that to be wrong though, since my life has no social context, and likely never will.

---

Not sure how to end this

I'm thinking of going back to therapy. But the hope is always so exhausting. I'm not even sure what to tell my psychiatrist.

I know some people dont like to hear it, but what about working on a hobby/ talent? I think solitude actually benefits that in some ways. Pain can help poetry, solitude focus, etc. It doesn't matter what it is or how it appears to others, only that you have something you come to care about improving at. Just a thought.
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 07:24 PM
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I'm very close to my parents, but I ended up living on the other side of the world to them. It's tough, especially now they're getting older. If I hadn't made the move when I did (and it was very difficult to do), I could see myself still living at home with them. I was 30 when I left.

So in a way it's good that you have them with you for support, even if it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I've always had hobbies, my own stuff that I need to make life bearable. My work sucks, but I've never been career minded, so that's my lot in life. I work because it's expected for a married man with kids, but to me it's a means to an end so I can indulge in my chosen activity when not working.

I was a lot like you describe, struggling to connect with people on any meaningful level. For me things have improved a lot since I found a medication that works, after many years messing around with ones that didn't. Now I can interact without anxiety creating a constant barrier, I've found I enjoy it. I'm more of a social creature than I realised.

You seem to have written yourself off as "mentally ill", as if you've somehow internalized the label. I don't know you, but you write clearly and intelligently.

Is social anxiety your main stumbling block? Because that can be treated and managed. Or do you have other issues that you feel are holding you back?
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 08:43 PM
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Unfortunately, sometimes this is not an easy thing to address. The best answer I can give is sometimes you just have to live for tomorrow and go one day at a time and hope for the best.

Oh. And save every bit of your money if you don't have to spend it. You will eventually need it.

EDIT - And this thread is old and I didn't notice because so am I.

/WYSD
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