I don't find meaning in anything.
I don't find hope in the future.
I spend most of my time at work.
I don't hate my job, I don't like it.
I spend any remaining time in my room.
I never go anywhere else.
I haven't had any irl friends since 2013.
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Most people work because they need the money for something. I never really use my money because I live with my parents, and they are okay with treating me as a disabled thing. And I don't think I can be on my own, because I'm so mentally ill and not for financial reasons.
I stopped wanting anything, and nothing I want can be bought with money anyway.
My IQ is average, so it means I have to work as hard as everyone else there, who have no crippling mental issues to deal with. My work will never be a source of satisfaction for me.
I'm constantly under stress trying to hide all my issues.
I just have nothing better to do. And I get to interact with other people under some pretense.
Everyone at my job is either married, or married and has a kid or two. And they live for their families I guess.
I've never wanted that ever, but I am still surrounded by people who live very traditional lives, have very common goals and dreams. I feel envious of them, because I don't have any goals or dreams, or even a value system. Their life seems so straightforward it's so frustrating.
My interaction with other people is 99.9% meaningless and not genuine.
I have no sense of identity. Whenever I try to take off my masks, I find more masks, and nothing underneath those.
There probably is something real and ugly I can't find, though, I'm not sure if I will ever find it.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm in a never ending dream, and my stream of consciousness has became more muted. But it isn't really by choice. I feel less in this dreamy state when I'm being genuine with someone, but that's so rare and always limited. I barely relate to anyone's life experience.
I'm very convinced there can ever be meaning in any person's life without some social context. I think the whole illusion of a meaningful existence is extremely tied to us being social animals.
I want that to be wrong though, since my life has no social context, and likely never will.
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Not sure how to end this
I'm thinking of going back to therapy. But the hope is always so exhausting. I'm not even sure what to tell my psychiatrist.