I really think I'm dead - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-01-2013, 10:58 PM Thread Starter
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I really think I'm dead


I think I might be trapped between the real world and the afterlife which is the spirit world. I am going to allow myself to believe what I believe to be true instead of what I was told by a professional. I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. I don't experience reality. The description of my symptoms are exactly as I describe them with no exaggeration. I really do see this world with my eyes as looking dreamlike 24/7. Vividness, clarity, solidness, basically what makes up the visual part of reality is what I lack. It's called derealization and I've been this way since at least age 13. Depersonalization I have also, the feeling of being detached from myself, mentally and physically. It's not an eye condition. It's not made up. I've always told myself there is a 50/50 chance it might be true, but deep inside I feel there is a paranormal explanation for my experiences.

I think I died a long time ago and in the spirit world you are given options of how you want to live in that reality. I've chose to create a reality where I continued living, aging and for whatever reason I cannot explain I don't remember my own death. There is only one memory that is not clear to me as to what exactly happened but remember experiencing something totally different from which I was used to. I see myself crossing the street at night and everything looking very different, almost strange and foreign. What if I never made it crossing this street? What if I got hit and died there? I think I'm somehow getting closer to finding out the truth. Deep inside I can feel there is something unknown to me. It's like someone is playing a big trick on me by having me live in this FAKE reality I cannot awake from. Sorry but I'm not going to lie about it. This reality I experience every day is NOT as reality should be. I SERIOUSLY don't know if I truly exist or my surroundings.

And I'm especially tired of the advice of " listen to your therapist, blah blah blah" Like these people have magical wands in their hands who can diagnose and treat everyone. I gave up on those fools a long time ago. If this is a mental disorder I have, I don't want to treat it. Other than the mental disorder, a paranormal explanation must be considered as a real possibility. I just want to move on to the next life. I just want to remember how I died, why I am still here, what is my purpose and how to move on to the AFTERLIFE. I don't care who thinks what, " You're crazy, dude" My response is Calm down, calm down. I always think where my physical body is buried.
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-01-2013, 11:02 PM
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It think it's important to accept your condition. If you can, or if you have. I was in denial about my depression for years, and it got me no where.

If in some fashion embracing your condition helps you, it could be a decent idea.
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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-01-2013, 11:08 PM
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Hi Mobius,

I'm 37 and I have had derealization/depersonalization disorder since I was 19. At first I thought I was dead. Then I thought I was psychotic. Then at some points years later, I thought that I had died and didn't realize it. I thought that my spirit was stuck between worlds, or had even left my body. I don't think that so much anymore, because I don't have a spiritual solution to this problem. I don't have the resources to find someone who does, either. But I understand very well how totally ineffective therapists and even psychiatrists can be when it comes to this condition. Have you discussed the spiritual component of derealization/depersonalization at dpselfhelp.com?

There is also a delusion that people can get that they are actually dead. I think it's important to make a distinction between having that, and being a philosophical or spiritual thinker and thinking "I might actually be dead... but I'm probably not."

Last edited by popeet; 04-01-2013 at 11:09 PM. Reason: Forgot how old I am, lol.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 02:56 AM
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That sounds like a scary situation there. If it wasn't for the previous post I would have mentioned something about how the nature of reality is not quite so 'solid' as we like to think. In Philosophy they call the normal, everyday acceptance of 'reality' 'Naive Realism'. Anyway, I guess that has nothing to do with how you are feeling or your problem. I wish you strength to deal with your life.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 03:18 AM
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Hmm, sounds scary. I experienced that one, dissociation or something, never really found out it was. Difference was I'd OD'ed on anxiety meds. It literally felt as if I was asleep or dead and I was dreaming or something. Things just didn't seem real. It's hard to belive they are when you pinch yourself and it feels almost...numb.
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 08:09 AM
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this sounds somewhat like me, ive got into a car accident when i was 11 and felt like i died.. i did die, i actually believe that i died..
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 08:42 AM
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Maybe you're just a quantum hologram of your dead self. Maybe it really is something like you think, and you're just existing between realities. It sounds so uncomfortable, like everything is always out of focus. I feel like this sometimes. I am so sorry for people who feel like this all the time.
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 10:32 AM
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If you're dead then why are you still afraid to socialize? None of this is real. If people laugh at you it doesn't matter because they're all just characters in your own mind. If you're too afraid to go out there and socialize then it's because deep down you don't believe it's a dream. If I thought this life was a dream I wouldn't care what anyone thought about me.

If this is a dream then what are you afraid of?
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 12:54 PM
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There is a specific name for this syndome, ppl who question if things are "real" and that they believe they have died or are dead. Its fascinating. I think its called "Cotard Syndrome".

Anxiety-free since a quarter a' three...
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 01:26 PM
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotard_delusion Yeah it does sound like Cotard Delusion. Sorry to hear your suffering from this. I often wish I was dead but never had the thought that I really might of died.
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiredoflife View Post
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotard_delusion Yeah it does sound like Cotard Delusion. Sorry to hear your suffering from this. I often wish I was dead but never had the thought that I really might of died.

it's close except they don't experience my symptoms, I just hope I'm buried somewhere nice with trees surrounding me
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 12:30 AM
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Mobius what symptoms do you have that are not associated with Cotard delusion? I'm guessing that you don't neglect your appearance or absolutely unquestioningly believe that you're dead, either. When I am dead, I hope my spirit lingers someplace nice, too. And people bring me flowers and so on.

Hm. I'm glad I read that explanation of Cotard delusion, though. Because it seems to describe partially how I experience derealization, which is my primary problem, depersonalization is secondary. Of course I don't have it, but it seems relevant. Especially because I often feel as if I don't really exist. In the beginning (1995), I thought everyone else was dead too... like we were all floating around in some kind of afterlife. I first experienced it after reading about murderers in a bookstore. I walked out of the bookstore and I was dead. It's never gone away.

The facial recognition problem with Cotard's make sense, I feel as if I can't "see." I can see, but it sort of bounces off of my eyeballs or goes straight to an unconscious processing, so I can function, instead of registering in my consciousness with associated emotions of being "known" or "existing" or being familiar. There is little to no connection to my sense of self, my sense of self is kind of absent, things (emotions, reactions) happen without me. It's as if an anesthetic were injected into my consciousness.

Then of course there are the sensory problems: palinopsia, visual snow, halos, trails, loss of depth perception, fisheye lens effect, distortions in dimensions, disintegration of recognition of objects (objects are a group of shapes instead of a recognized whole), problems locating the origin of and priority of sounds, etc.

I think mine was more OCD than delusion-- because I don't actively have a delusion that I am dead. Yet, I was completely fixated on the possibility that I was, since everything appeared so. Also, OCD can perpetuate derealization and depersonalization.

I think a previous poster mention acceptance as important. It has been really important to accept that this is how things look now, and that I am alive. It's heartbreaking, frightening, tragic, but it's how life looks now.

I do think this is related to trauma for me. If someone has ever been afraid for her life, either via neglect or shocked by a sudden occurrence, I can see how the lines can become blurred.

In depersonalization/derealization there are generally no anatomical changes to the brain. There are functional changes, but not anatomical ones. Same with OCD I think. But with Cotard delusion, the Wikipedia article says there are anatomical changes correlated with the incidence of it. I don't think it has to be one or the other, though, maybe there is some in-between shade.
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MobiusX View Post
it's close except they don't experience my symptoms, I just hope I'm buried somewhere nice with trees surrounding me
maybe you have cotard delusion comorbid with the preexisting disorders diagnosed.

or maybe you have some psychotic-spectrum disorder comorbid along with your preexisting disorder diagnosed.

and most importantly, perhaps, is that you may need a full psychiatric evaluation once again.

status: in remission

dx: treatment-refractory variants of panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder

rx: 900mg/pregabalin, 4mg/clonazepam, 120mg/duloxetine
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-20-2014, 12:53 AM
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i get what you mean


I get what you mean I try to use logic but then I thinks how is this going to work if not real or actually this is a dream, or something. its gets confusing.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-20-2014, 01:37 AM
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You can believe whatever you wish, I am one seeks to learn how others think because I can't choose a way of belief or being, without learning about the others and making a choice on my own.

So, if this belief is something that you personally believe but dislike thats good because it means you're a thinking being. But if you just believe this in the same way being blindly accept religion then you should think into why you think these things, so you can actually start to be.
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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-20-2014, 02:50 AM
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I read your thread. Doesn't that mean something. I can definitely say that you are not dead. You probably don't believe me, but you are not dead. You seem to be experiencing some kind of confusion between life and death.

It's quite interesting that you actually think that you're dead. If you were actually dead, then, you would have seen the path to the afterlife and something to guide you there.
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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-20-2014, 03:19 AM
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I read your thread. Doesn't that mean something. I can definitely say that you are not dead. You probably don't believe me, but you are not dead. You seem to be experiencing some kind of confusion between life and death.

It's quite interesting that you actually think that you're dead. If you were actually dead, then, you would have seen the path to the afterlife and something to guide you there.

You cannot deny people's beliefs in favor of your own, because doing that means you are quick to disagree which means that you aren't willing to learn about it, therefore you can't have a an actual opinion on it.

And you seem to think it's interesting only because you can disagree with it, but to tell someone that they are wrong in believing that they maybe dead, is to say that you know and have actual proof of what it is to be dead
Which is pretty much what everyone admits they don't know, and they choose to believe in religion or something with an explanation they liked.

You may not think he is dead, but until you can prove that he is infact not, which is only possible if you can understand what it is to be dead. So unless you have proof or something, it's better for everyone if you just introduce him to the reason that you believe what you're saying and not just saying he is wrong because you believe him to be.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 03-20-2014, 06:30 AM
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Religious thinking can be a little dangerous, however, yeah viking mythology, and the different planes of existence is a little historically interesting.

I've pondered the idea of infinity and mobius strip style loop backs on time and space. Deja Vu, and re-incarnations.

Derealization may be putting yourself in touch with a spiritual path.

Not so bad, however, anxiety and spirituality are difficult to wrestle together.

Finding peace with oneself through temperance or free spirit, or mediation or Buddhism may be worth spending some time with. Helped me.

Focus on your health, well being, and everything will be okay.

ASMR Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (works wonders with my anxiety)
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-13-2015, 11:02 PM
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I'm super late to the post ,but I do understand what you are feeling I have a similar experience but I feel like I live this life more than once but the at the end ask your self if it were true if you died and so how proved it would It make you happy? Maybe right a book about your experience?enjoy your second chance
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 09-14-2015, 12:06 AM
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Strangely enough, I hear death (or the afterlife, if you will) is actually more realistic and "alive" according to people who've had NDE's. I can relate. It seems like here we are stuck in a dream *and especially if you're stuck in an anxious, foggy-headed, unreal dream, that can make it all the more complicated and unreal.

Are there times when you feel more real? Like if you changed your diet or got into a fascinating activity? I personally feel like you can die while alive... figuratively, as if nothing matters anymore. As if the next action is pointless and a whole bunch of nothingness. I've been there and it sucks. I think the technical term for that is being surrounded by "negativity" and not allowing yourself to live or breathe.

There are grounding exercises you can do, but I don't know any great ones since I'm barely grounded myself.
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