I never felt so helpless
I never actually opened a thread but now I feel like it could help me at this time. I'll try not to be too expansive.
I always was too sensitive, too anxious, introverted, had lots of familial issues (also, mental issues run in the family), relatives got health problems, and social ones too because of being too different, got breakdowns, always huge panic attacks, an a burn out. I also am an 'atheist" in a muslim family. My grandma who i used to be around a lot died few months ago, which I guess rushed everything (the depression supposedly was here for 2 years).
But what brought me here is that since few months I feel on edge, as if I'm about to loose control of my mind, and i'm frightened, and i don't see the end of it, some of the major concerns i get are about this:
-I have automatic thoughts and images that are flowing at night, which often makes non-sense or that I can't remember (the back of a car, someone getting off a bus..). Last time I woke up feeling like a ball hit my head, i made the movement and heard the sound.
- I often have really strong panic attacks at night and irrational fears (that my heart could stop beating)
-But most importantly I feel constantly in a dream, like a spectator in a theater. And sometimes it get incredibly intense, like suddenly feeling kind of tingling in my skull and feeling extremely confused, lost, as if everything goes fast and slow at the same time, as if my brain gets dizzy, almost loosing control. And I gets really scared, thinking people notice it, and have to escape (or call my mom). Which makes me cry a lot. It happened few hours before.
-Over-analyzing everything, being too aware (linked to the previous spectator thing)
- Constant strange thoughts, like sometimes thinking "can you realize that you are on a tiny globe in the middle of nowhere", "you are going to disappear at some point", same with looking at the stars, the sky or the moon. Sometimes the sky appears as if it was some king of movie set (as the movie the truman show)
I got to see a therapist who told me it seems like I have depression and anxiety (which seems to me might be different from what happens to me??) and have an appointment in some young adult psychiatrist center.
I feel totally absent, dull, too emotional and at the same time like a zombie, i still am functional, eat well try to go out(derealization doesnt help but i force myself), and be social...
I don't really know what to ask about that but for example, do you think this could only be signs of depression or more? Every comment would be welcome, I finally admit that i need help.
Thanks for reading, it helped to express myself.