I might have depersonalisation/derealisation disorder
I had a session with my counselor on Wednesday and now I might be getting officially diagnosed with depersonalisation/derealisation disorder.
I told my counselor that I have trouble reconciling how I experience conversations/the environment around me from my point of view. It was a bit difficult for me to explain to her, especially since I had never discussed it with anyone before. I had explained how I have a hard time communicating verbally, not neccessarily due to my anxiety, but due to not feeling like I'm actually one who is involved in the conversation...as if I were just an unrelated bystander watching a story play out on a movie screen before me. I feel complacent...as though someone else would be communicating my thoughts for me. It's an unconcious action on my behalf to feel like I'm not actually involved in any conversations with another person and I end up freezing due to forgetting I need to hold up my end of the discussion.
In telling her this, she suggested that what I was describing may be depersonalisation/derealisation disorder...which usually caused by trauma. I'm going to keep discussing this woth her in the coming visits and go from there in terms of an official diagnosis.
He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man.