"I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem" - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 09:46 AM Thread Starter
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"I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem"


I don't know exactly when or how it started, but I know I've been a perfectionist for most of my life, and somehow or another, I feel like I always fall short. I'm always comparing myself to others. I just don't see myself as worthy of anyone's friendship, and if I am friends with someone, I'm constantly second-guessing them. Why are they even bothering with me? Am I just the charity case they keep around to make themselves look and feel better? What does that person see in me that's worth anything? I brought this up with a friend I had a falling out with three months ago, and he told me that even if he lavished me with all the compliments in the world and waxed poetic why he'd been my friend for four years, it'd amount to nothing if I didn't believe it.

He's right. I'd genuinely believe he liked me for me temporarity, but after that initial high from hanging out for that timespan, I'd start doubting all over again. Was that even real? Or was I projecting that we were actually having a good time together and he wasn't torturing himself being with me for that long.

So that's where I am now. I feel like there's no point in trying to forge a semblance of a social life and make friends because I don't want to inflict my crap self on people when I'm sure they're better off without me. Yet, I can't shake off the feeling of wanting to reach out, wanting back those friends that I lost. I'm just stuck in a limbo of garbage self-esteem that keeps me from going anywhere in life, and I can't function socially because of it.

I always thought poor self-esteem and SA came hand in hand, but people here have said they're actually really confident in themselves but get nervous socially. How does this work? I'm curious how you're able to maintain a healthy self-concept when you get nervous in social situations and we put so much stake on people's so-call perceptions on us. (Sorry if that's poorly explained. I'm having a hard time putting what I'm trying to say into words.) Not that that's necessarily a better way to be, because SA is SA is SA. It's just a baffling thing for me to understand because my SA is so intertwined with my self-esteem issues.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 09:12 PM
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I think you're over thinking your social relationships. Sometimes you just have to let it be what it is. If you like being with some one as a friend, just leave it as that. Trying to see why people are nice will only drive them away and make you look and or feel like a jerk. SA can kill your self-esteem and low self-esteem makes SA worse. It's a feedback loop. You just have to buck up and not care about what others think. Do what's right for you and don't make it hard for those who may honestly be trying be nice to you. There are a few people out there that aren't just about taking advantage of you. I think you know all of this already. Just don't give up on doing things right.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-07-2015, 04:47 PM
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-07-2015, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Ilaw1, you're right in that I already do know not to do what you described, but intellectually knowing something isn't the same as knowing how to put it into practice. I find the only way I can keep myself from overthinking is if I'm busying myself with something, like hanging out with and tending to family or doing some kind of work, so I'm only thinking about the event or task at hand or I zone out to the point I'm really not present. But you can only work work work yourself so much before you get tired, and I'm not even half as productive as I could be for "busying" myself. For instance, my room has been in roughly the same state of mess for half a year now, and I've done next to nothing to clean it even though I'll see all these things in disarray and tell myself I should fix them.

You're right, though. It's just very difficult, or I'd kicked this habit already and lived a more fulfilling life.

Beast and the Harlot, your post is showing up blank. I'm guessing some kind of media was embedded in it, but my browser's not letting me see it.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-08-2015, 12:23 AM
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Im also like this, hypercritical and doubtful of myself. "My insecurities could eat me alive".
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-10-2015, 08:23 AM Thread Starter
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bruised, they really can. You know you've trapped yourself but don't know how to escape. It's a helpless feeling, especially when you consider this kind of thing is easy for most people.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 10:36 PM
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I feel exactly how you have described it! I think this either roots off both my anxiety issues (GAD and SA). But it could be because of a missed diagnose (and on hold to look into diagnose, recommended by psychiatrist) of ASD specifically AS.

I also always wonder if I am doing things right in a relationship of any sort (friendship). I wish I knew if I was doing something wrong.

But I always wonder what is inside of me that make people want to be with me because I am not a good person in my opinion but my friends tell me differently. I want to believe them but I don't know why I can't. I guess it's easier on me to believe no one wants to be with me than people want to be with me. I find myself broken a lot.

Everyone has mental health.

Though it cannot be seen, it is there.

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I have:
SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) with panic attacks and GAD
Haven't had a personality disorder test, but probably have OCPD, maybe avoidant and paranoid.
Being tested for ADHD, predominantly inattentive type.
I may also have autism (Aspergers) according to my psychiatrist.
Unofficially had major depression (didn't have a psychiatrist at that time so).

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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-18-2015, 03:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaePa View Post
I always thought poor self-esteem and SA came hand in hand, but people here have said they're actually really confident in themselves but get nervous socially. How does this work? I'm curious how you're able to maintain a healthy self-concept when you get nervous in social situations and we put so much stake on people's so-call perceptions on us ... It's just a baffling thing for me to understand because my SA is so intertwined with my self-esteem issues.
SA is anxiety about social interactions. Sometimes it's because we have poor self-esteem, but there are lots of different reasons for people to feel anxious.

My SA has nothing to do with my self-esteem. My self-esteem is robustly healthy. But I'm trans and my self-esteem won't protect me from discrimination. And even though I love myself, I'm not attractive and I know it, so I'm naturally insecure about the way other people perceive me. I don't want to be treated with disgust or contempt or hatred, so I avoid interacting with people.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-18-2015, 04:02 AM Thread Starter
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I guess then for people like you, truant, it's an issue of feeling "unsafe," per se? When I think of security, I think of safety -- maybe not to the extremes of danger, but just what triggers one's "fight or flight" instinct. Or "shaky," maybe that's a better word to describe it.

It's surprising, really, the diversity among this condition's sufferers.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-18-2015, 06:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Nike7 View Post
I also always wonder if I am doing things right in a relationship of any sort (friendship). I wish I knew if I was doing something wrong.

But I always wonder what is inside of me that make people want to be with me because I am not a good person in my opinion but my friends tell me differently. I want to believe them but I don't know why I can't. I guess it's easier on me to believe no one wants to be with me than people want to be with me. I find myself broken a lot.
Sounds like you don't really want to be with yourself... If your friends are truly friends, they will stick with you just because you are who you are. They know how you are in public. People generally wont be there for you if they just feel pity on you. When people who pity you are there for you, they are usually getting something out of it for themselves. If it's real friendship, will not take something only for themselves out of the the friendship. True friendships are mutually beneficial. If you know you have one of those, don't question your friendship. If you're ever unsure of that person's intentions, just think about those who don't really care about you. Would they do what this friend is doing with or for you? If you're still unsure, just ask them why they're doing whatever it is they did or why the said whatever it is that they said. Don't be confrontational.

I've had friends that I've doubted the intentions of myself. I felt bad for blaming one for 'doing me wrong'. She wasn't doing me wrong, I was pitying myself and thinking that she was too. It took some time to put things into perspective. So it's also good to give things time to make sense. If you know that person has never done you wrong and you can understand their rationalizations, it's probably safe to trust that person. Some of us with SA have problems with trusting people. I hope all that makes sense...
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-18-2015, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilaw1 View Post
Sounds like you don't really want to be with yourself... If your friends are truly friends, they will stick with you just because you are who you are. They know how you are in public. People generally wont be there for you if they just feel pity on you. When people who pity you are there for you, they are usually getting something out of it for themselves. If it's real friendship, will not take something only for themselves out of the the friendship. True friendships are mutually beneficial. If you know you have one of those, don't question your friendship. If you're ever unsure of that person's intentions, just think about those who don't really care about you. Would they do what this friend is doing with or for you? If you're still unsure, just ask them why they're doing whatever it is they did or why the said whatever it is that they said. Don't be confrontational.

I've had friends that I've doubted the intentions of myself. I felt bad for blaming one for 'doing me wrong'. She wasn't doing me wrong, I was pitying myself and thinking that she was too. It took some time to put things into perspective. So it's also good to give things time to make sense. If you know that person has never done you wrong and you can understand their rationalizations, it's probably safe to trust that person. Some of us with SA have problems with trusting people. I hope all that makes sense...
Thanks. It does. I think I have brought it up a few times before, but I think for me, I have had a lot of people who didn't really care for me in the end and I don't want my friendships to be like that at all so...

Everyone has mental health.

Though it cannot be seen, it is there.

_______________________

I have:
SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) with panic attacks and GAD
Haven't had a personality disorder test, but probably have OCPD, maybe avoidant and paranoid.
Being tested for ADHD, predominantly inattentive type.
I may also have autism (Aspergers) according to my psychiatrist.
Unofficially had major depression (didn't have a psychiatrist at that time so).

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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-18-2015, 11:58 AM
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Thanks. It does. I think I have brought it up a few times before, but I think for me, I have had a lot of people who didn't really care for me in the end and I don't want my friendships to be like that at all so...
Remeber that friendships don't always have to be the same for each person you're friends with. Some people will only be there under certain circumstances. You can't always expect them to care about personal things. Some people are resistant to helping when they know that they have their own issues that they are working through. It can look like they really don't care. Or maybe some of those people don't like to share their feelings, especially when they think you might be hurting. They don't want to fan the flames. Others are just completely fake and only want one thing out of you. I think that most people, even the popular ones, only have a couple of people they really trust. The rest are just causal friends and acquaintances. Maybe a good way to test their intentions would be for you to ask for advice on a personal issue that you're pretty clear on. Don't tell them what you think, just see what they have to say about it. Some people will misguide you or tell you something wrong. If they really care, they just might show you something you didn't see before. I've been dealing with this a lot lately. SA people are generally nice. We just don't know how to express that and others sometimes don't trust or like us for that reason. It's a complicated subject and friendship has very loose definitions.
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