"I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem"
I don't know exactly when or how it started, but I know I've been a perfectionist for most of my life, and somehow or another, I feel like I always fall short. I'm always comparing myself to others. I just don't see myself as worthy of anyone's friendship, and if I am friends with someone, I'm constantly second-guessing them. Why are they even bothering with me? Am I just the charity case they keep around to make themselves look and feel better? What does that person see in me that's worth anything? I brought this up with a friend I had a falling out with three months ago, and he told me that even if he lavished me with all the compliments in the world and waxed poetic why he'd been my friend for four years, it'd amount to nothing if I didn't believe it.
He's right. I'd genuinely believe he liked me for me temporarity, but after that initial high from hanging out for that timespan, I'd start doubting all over again. Was that even real? Or was I projecting that we were actually having a good time together and he wasn't torturing himself being with me for that long.
So that's where I am now. I feel like there's no point in trying to forge a semblance of a social life and make friends because I don't want to inflict my crap self on people when I'm sure they're better off without me. Yet, I can't shake off the feeling of wanting to reach out, wanting back those friends that I lost. I'm just stuck in a limbo of garbage self-esteem that keeps me from going anywhere in life, and I can't function socially because of it.
I always thought poor self-esteem and SA came hand in hand, but people here have said they're actually really confident in themselves but get nervous socially. How does this work? I'm curious how you're able to maintain a healthy self-concept when you get nervous in social situations and we put so much stake on people's so-call perceptions on us. (Sorry if that's poorly explained. I'm having a hard time putting what I'm trying to say into words.) Not that that's necessarily a better way to be, because SA is SA is SA. It's just a baffling thing for me to understand because my SA is so intertwined with my self-esteem issues.