I’m a 17 year old senior who is severely attached to my girlfriend. Please help. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-07-2020, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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I’m a 17 year old senior who is severely attached to my girlfriend. Please help.


Hello there, I’m going to try to line everything out on the table because I’m desperate at this point and maliciously confused with myself. Thank you for taking the time to read about my issue and especially thank you if you reply back, as I am in desperate need of guidance.

Okay so, My girlfriend and I have been together for a solid 4 months now, which is super young and early, but honestly we both feel as if it has been a lot longer. We are extremely close to one another, and we get along very well. We seem to be compatible in almost every way; emotionally we love each other, we have the same interests, we share our weird diets, and we are sexually compatible as well. Basically I love this girl, and I know she loves me too. But I think I’ve grown too attached in this last month. We get to see each other probably about 2-5 times a week. Which is great; I’m at my happiest when I’m with her. But it’s looking like it’ll be a few days as of now, as she’s going to be very busy. I absolutely dread our time apart. I dread it to the point that I’m aware that I have a problem. When we’re not physically together, I feel taken back and negative the whole time. Even if we see each other two or even three days in a row, I absolutely cannot get enough of her. A recent example would be just a few days ago I think: she had been scheduled for work almost every day for this week, and we were thankfully able to hangout on Monday night. I think it was Wednesday she was able to get out of work that day, so she and two of her friends had decided to go to a local protest (you all already know what it was about after watching the news). Peaceful protest of course. Anyway, I didn’t react normally in my head how I should. I felt hurt in a way because I was wondering why her first thought upon getting off was to go with her friends rather than hanging out with me, who’s has an abundance of time during the quarantine, it’s clear to her that I can hangout literally at any time that she’s free. I wish I could’ve reacted normally, I should be able to let her go with her friends without freaking out. No, I didn’t make these thoughts clear to her at the time. I’m ashamed of them. However despite all of this, the most recent and disastrous episode occurred last night. For the past 3 months, we had made it a ritual where we FaceTime every single night before bed. We watch movies together, talk, plan dates, etc. We just catch up for a couple hours (or sometimes longer). We even sleep together on face time too, with us both plugging our phones in and pointing them towards each other as we sleep. And then we usually both wake up the next morning and talk for a bit before we start our days. It’s blissful, and aside from seeing her in person, FaceTiming every night brings me pure joy. I love talking to her and I look forward to it every single day. I just wait and wait for my day to be over so we can FaceTime. So back to last nights episode, she had been feeling down all day yesterday because of a family issue, I had been texting her throughout the day as a way to check in on her. She had a family dinner planned that night, and I remember telling her to enjoy it, and that I knew she was having a rough day. So I’d try to cheer her up on FaceTime after she got home. 3 hours or so pass. It’s now 10:30, and She tells me she’s finally out but she decided to go to her good friends’ (we’ll call her X) X’s house. My immediately sank, and for some reason I just felt anxious. I told her that was okay, just let me know when you get home. She said okay. Now it’s probably 11:30, pretty late for both of us as we are usually in bed by now. I ask her when she thinks she’ll be home, and she tells me she’s now going to have a sleepover with her friends at a different friends’ (Y) house. At this point I already figured, but I immediately just got immersed in negative thoughts. I was really looking forward to our FaceTime last night. It’s the one thing that I wanted all day yesterday. But at the same time, I’m aware that she should be able to hangout with her friends without me getting upset. She told me she was sorry. She expressed guilt because she knew I was looking forward to it. I told her it was no big deal, I was just gonna go to bed then because I had to get up early in the morning. I had horrible feelings that I can’t even describe. I just laid in bed, and after awhile I noticed that for some reason I was starting to have feelings of anger towards her, feelings of betrayal. All of this when I objectively know that it’s not the case, that I’m overreacting. She texted me after a bit, but I didn’t even touch my phone, I just wanted to go to sleep and be done with it, and let her have fun. But then, after a bit more, she was calling me. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to talk at that point or not, maybe I could just pretend I was asleep and let her go? But then after the second ring I realized she might be severely worried about me, and I couldn’t have her worry when she was trying to have fun. So I finally picked up, and she was obviously guilty in her voice. The moment she told me she was sorry for the sudden change of plans I felt better I thought. Her voice soothes me in a way. I told her it was okay, I had to go to bed, and to have fun. I let her go, and then went back to bed. Shortly thereafter, I became really sad, I realized that I was getting worked up over something pointless, she’s just trying to hangout with her friends and I’m throwing a fit. I start doubting myself, and I realize that I’m going to be the stereotypical psycho boyfriend that doesn’t let their spouse go with their friends because I was insecure, or jealous, or something else entirely I still don’t know. About 15 minutes after this, I couldn’t sleep at all. I also realized that I’ve grown completely dependent on the FaceTime as a way to sleep. At this point I was crying in bed, I typed a short little paragraph on Snapchat to her, telling her that I was over attached, I had a problem, and I wanted to be normal for her. I told her that I was upset over something so little, that I objectively knew that, and that I was even crying for some reason. I ended the paragraph off by saying I would put my phone away and just try to go to bed. That I would talk to her tomorrow. I sent that text, and locked my phone away from me for the night. I cried and cried, and I couldn’t sleep either. A couple hours later of sitting in my self hate, I was able to cry myself to sleep. This morning I checked her text back from last night, she told me I should go to bed, she loves me, and we should talk about it the next day. Now I’m awake, she’s asleep and she will be for quite a while. I’ve been thinking on this for hours. And I’ve decided to post on a forum that I’ve never been on before because I’m aware that I need help. I don’t want to become anxious every time she goes with her friends. This wasn’t always a problem, it’s something that manifested recently. And I don’t want to be dependent on our FaceTime to sleep. Because every once in a while there will be a night where it’s not possible. And I want to be able to sleep on my own. I don’t want to only be happy when I’m with her, because it’s not realistic for me to be with her 24/7. I’m 100 percent aware that these behaviors are unhealthy. And I feel that it’s severe, I’m completely emotionally attached to her, she’s attached to me too, just in a healthy way I feel. I desperately need help making sense of this all. And I apologize if this all comes off as a ramble or if it doesn’t make as much sense as I had hoped.

Thank you.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-07-2020, 11:36 AM
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-07-2020, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by firelight View Post
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I apologize, I was not in a clear state of mind at the time, nor did I realize I wrote so much until I posted it.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-07-2020, 02:22 PM
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Yeah use spaces bro. But yeah everyone needs their space and time with friends. Its so not healthy to be around each other 24/7. Get involved with hobbies and do stuff with friends. You guys can still make time for each other without one or both feeling smothered.

~ How can I build Your kingdom if I'm building my own
How can You be my treasure if I'm digging for gold
How can You be my fire if my heart has grown cold
How can You be my future if I've made this my home ~ Love & the Outcome
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-12-2020, 08:39 PM
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I've felt aspects of this while in a relationship. And reading this brought back feelings of overwhelming insecurity and anxiety. You recognize your unhealthy dependency and that's a good thing, but what are you willing to do to change it?

I think mixing up your routines would be beneficial. Trying to find things you're interested in that don't include her so that you can have your OWN hobbies, enjoyments, and coping strategies. Also setting aside a few hours in the day away from her or even some nights. Because if it's so bad that you're crying to sleep at night over it, you need to make drastic changes, however hard it may be.

You can't make her the center of your universe even if she feels like it right now. And even recognizing the short time frame of your relationship is important, because you clearly had a life 5 months ago before you were together. You need to know who you are as a person, as an individual, not a couple.

I think speaking to her about your insecurities is important and problem solving with her solutions would be good too. She needs to be included and aware of how you feel.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-12-2020, 08:53 PM
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You're not crazy or made extra bad, this is normal... I think the most important thing I want to tell you is to not let this make you treat her differently. Don't get possessive and make her uncomfortable, or this will be bad for your relationship, and especially don't purposely distance yourself emotionally in order to "protect" yourself (this is something I particularly used to do a lot and it's been very unhealthy) - you shouldn't deny how you feel to yourself, or be cold towards her because that would hurt her feelings unnecessarily. One day, it'll happen that you have to be very busy for a few days and you'll get to experience the other side: of being stressed about whatever you are busy with and not wanting to also have to stress that your girlfriend is feeling badly. You'll realize that these things can happen without it meaning that you want to spend less time with her.
My other advice is that this feeling comes up A LOT in the early months of a relationship, and it will naturally subside as your relationship matures, because you will feel more confident about the certainty of her being there.

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