I have no personality/my brain feels stuck - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-17-2018, 02:50 AM Thread Starter
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I have no personality/my brain feels stuck


I have been in what I can only describe as my own personal hell the past few years. I have difficulty producing thoughts, speaking, and remembering words. I barely talk to others because the honest truth is most of the time, I have nothing to say. Like there's literally nothing going on in my brain. I used to have all of these complex thoughts and used to joke with friends and say witty things. Now it's like I can only manage to come up with basic thoughts and sentences, like I can go to a drive thru and say "May I have a grilled chicken sandwich?" or I can go to the doctor and say "My head hurts," but that's the extent of my ability to communicate...simple, basic sentences. No creativity, no originality. I used to fantasize about what I would say if I were on a talk show like the Ellen Degeneres show or if I was interviewed by the news, things like that, because I felt like I had so many clever or interesting thoughts that I would love an opportunity to share with the world. Now my thought life consists of basic thoughts like "I'm hungry" and "That's a pretty dog." That's when I have any thoughts at all. I used to post witty captions on pictures I posted on Instagram and such, and now I can never think of anything to say, so I just type a emoji or something and hit send.


I started seeing a therapist hoping to discuss these issues with someone, but the first session just left me more frustrated because I couldn't even verbalize what was wrong. She can't help me if I can't even describe the problem. Even now in this post, I'm not really adequately describing the problem. I'm just...doing my best with the words my brain will let me find.

I really can't handle this. I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just this half-dead object trapped in consciousness because my brain refuses to die fully. Every day, I wake up and wait for bed time to come so that I can escape consciousness again. Every day, I think how fine it would be if I just didn't wake up next time. I used to get scared and rush to doctors when I felt really ill, and now I'm just like, "Why would I go to the doctor for this? If this killed me, that would be the best thing that could happen."

Idk. Thanks for listening. Sorry I'm not making sense.
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2018, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know how to ask for help if I don't even know how to explain what is wrong. I think I either had a stroke or a psychotic break. My brain is not working the right way, that is all I know. No one will help me. Even here, when I tried to explain what is happening, everyone ignored me.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2018, 07:52 PM
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Have you read about disorders and found anything you can identify with? Have you considered if you're on the autism spectrum?
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2018, 08:39 PM Thread Starter
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The closest thing is language disorders like aphasia and maybe depersonalization. I don't think I'm on the autism spectrum. I never had any issues like this as a child. I found a migraine pill and took it, and now I feel slightly better. Still nowhere near at 100%, but sometimes I do wonder if it's all migraine-related because I get really terrible headaches along with it all.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2018, 03:53 AM
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what age were you when this started? How long has it been? And before this period did you struggle with any of the things you mentioned?

alexthymia is the inability to describe/detect emotions (usually in the self also in others,)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

could also be related to depression,

this (but that's usually not sudden,)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slug...ognitive_tempo

Think I'm going to avoid linking disorders though and just describe symptom stuff that may be relevant:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flat_affect

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

I dunno though. Do you have any other symptoms? It mostly sounds like it would fit into dissociation somehow. Does it happen when you're not anxious?
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2018, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
what age were you when this started? How long has it been? And before this period did you struggle with any of the things you mentioned?


I dunno though. Do you have any other symptoms? It mostly sounds like it would fit into dissociation somehow. Does it happen when you're not anxious?
I was 18 when it started, and then it got slowly worse over the years. Never had any issues like that before. Thank you for the links. Sometimes I do think it could just all be depression, like I don't have all of the passionate thoughts I used to have because I just have no passion in general anymore. Idk though. That seems like it can account for some of it but not all of it, like the cases when I do have a thought I'd like to express but just can't put it into words.I'd like to try getting on antidepressants again (I took them before but only for a very short while), but I am having issues with my insurance company.

I don't know if it happens when I'm not anxious because I am always anxious tbh.

I'm gonna look up dissociation.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2018, 04:06 PM
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Damn, i have the same problem. Its frustrating. I avoid social interactions because of it. A lot of the times when i read forums and self help articles to help with my social anxiety, they all say the same ****. "Go out and socialize" but when i do, its a one way convo. every single time because i have nothing to say. My mind is blank. I stumble on words, forget words and can't form a sentence. I have extreme difficulty relaying my few thoughts in word. People avoid me because of this. So i feel your pain man, not sure if its the exact same problem but i can relate based off ur post. Never had this problem myself b4, cant pin point when it started but its hard to deal with.

I'm new to this site, hopefully ill find some guidance. I'm going to an anxiety group therapy, program, which is making me anxious af. Just thinking about it. But im hoping itll help some way as well. I can't afford a therapist, to pricey for me. Wishing u all the best man.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2018, 04:15 PM
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I'm wondering if you're getting enough sleep every night and if you eat a healthy diet, and are exercising in any way. Do you drink caffeine? Also curious if your living situation changed from when you felt more like a person, and if it's possible you're being exposed to toxic chemicals regularly.

It really could be a bunch of different things but if I get the answers to these questions I could make a better guess of what's going on.
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-22-2018, 11:00 PM
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Have you considered that this may be your "false self"? A lot of people, especially those of us sensitive types, grown up people pleasing. As we get older, this strategy doesn't work as well since people expect assertiveness and clear decision making. You can't simply respond to others needs. You have to take unprompted action. Once you realize this, it can freak you out because your whole life you've been reactive and have a false personality. The real version of you is still inside, just burried. You have to re-cultivate the inner you - the true Self that can make choices and say the things you want instead of trying to muddle through the fake persona you've leaned on and is no longer stable/reliable.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-22-2018, 11:12 PM
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I can somewhat relate with that.When my social anxiety is high and talk to people i can not think what i must say,my brain freezes and i can only say basic works.When i am with familiar people i can have a rational discussion.I also have difficulty getting my thoughts in order.I would say that decades of social anxiety and depression fried my brain.

There is no cure for social anxiety only remission and relapse.
It seems the only way for some sa members to feel good about themselves is to insult other sa members.It gives them a sense of superiority and satisfaction that could never have in their real lives.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-23-2018, 03:34 AM Thread Starter
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I am sorry I haven't responded to the latest posts. There are just several posts to reply to, and I've been...brain fried as the last poster said. My head is killing me. I will give everyone replies soon, but I wanted to say thank you because some of the stuff you all have said has made me think of things to mention to my therapist next time.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-23-2018, 04:07 AM
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Yeah could be depersonlization or derealization. Or maybe early symptoms of psychosis. I have difficulty thinking nowadays too. Sometimes i can be in the middle of a conversation and then just forget about what i've been talking about. And no i'm not a pothead lol. But speaking of such, drug use is widely known to potentially lead to a messed up brain.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-23-2018, 03:12 PM
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wow i can relate. when i was young i was fairly well-spoken but i think the traumatic experiences i've had and the depression has actually damaged my brain. i think its a pressure to perform thing which is silly because most of the time its not like i'm put under very much pressure anyways. its just that i've had so little experience with socializing and unfortunately i think that most of the time i try to explain myself to other people, they think i'm some sort of alien and can't relate to me on a deeper level. i've seen many counselors/therapists/doctors over the years and only ever met one counselor who seemed to understand what i was going through or saw me as a person. i think most docs/therapists only see you as a paycheck or at least that's been my experience for the most part. its also difficult to cultivate a personality when constantly in fight/flight mode and the person who i spend the most time talking to is my mother who is in her 60s and is hard of hearing and has very poor communication skills herself.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-24-2018, 10:38 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lyyli View Post

Anyway, you don't seem to have trouble expressing your thoughts in writing. .
I don't mean this in any way as an attack on you, and I know you're not saying it with bad intentions, but it is frustrating when people say things like this to me. I've had many doctors and therapists say they didn't notice me having trouble speaking. They say things like "You seem to be doing just fine to me." The thing is, it's not that I'm completely incoherent or anything when I speak. I don't just blurt random word salad or anything. It's more that I say things that aren't really what I mean to say because I just have to do the best I can with the words I can find, and also, there are a lot of times I just don't say anything because I can't find the words to convert a thought into sentence form. I don't know how to describe it. It's getting worse. When people tell me that they don't notice it, it makes me feel like no one will ever believe me.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-24-2018, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by momentsunset View Post
I'm wondering if you're getting enough sleep every night and if you eat a healthy diet, and are exercising in any way. Do you drink caffeine? Also curious if your living situation changed from when you felt more like a person, and if it's possible you're being exposed to toxic chemicals regularly.

It really could be a bunch of different things but if I get the answers to these questions I could make a better guess of what's going on.
My sleep is really bad. I've tried getting a prescription for Ambien, but I keep running into obstacles with doctor's offices not calling me back. I don't exercise that consistently. I am trying to get better. I am also trying to give up caffeine for good. That said, I didn't drink caffeine when these problems started. It's a habit that I picked up a few years after the cognitive problems started because I was desperately trying to find a way to "jumpstart" my brain. I live in a very dirty house due to unsanitary family members, so it is possible that there is bad stuff in the air that is affecting me. Can't afford to leave, though.
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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-24-2018, 10:47 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Tdot Latino View Post
Damn, i have the same problem. Its frustrating. I avoid social interactions because of it. A lot of the times when i read forums and self help articles to help with my social anxiety, they all say the same ****. "Go out and socialize" but when i do, its a one way convo. every single time because i have nothing to say. My mind is blank. I stumble on words, forget words and can't form a sentence. I have extreme difficulty relaying my few thoughts in word. People avoid me because of this. So i feel your pain man, not sure if its the exact same problem but i can relate based off ur post. Never had this problem myself b4, cant pin point when it started but its hard to deal with.

I'm new to this site, hopefully ill find some guidance. I'm going to an anxiety group therapy, program, which is making me anxious af. Just thinking about it. But im hoping itll help some way as well. I can't afford a therapist, to pricey for me. Wishing u all the best man.
What you are experiencing sounds extremely similar to my own experiences. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this as well. I hope the group therapy is helpful to you. I cannot afford therapy either really, but I recently just kind of said screw it and started putting therapy sessions on a credit card because I am so desperate for answers and relief. I was hoping that maybe talking to someone regularly would help snap me out of the fog I've been in too because I've had that happen a few times in the past where like I spent weeks feeling really off and then met up with an old friend or whatever and found that I suddenly felt a lot better and could speak more coherently. Doesn't seem to be working this time, though. Feels like I'm permanently stuck like this. I'm rambling, sorry. I do hope you are able to find some answers.
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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-24-2018, 10:51 PM Thread Starter
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please make it stop

this is the worse my symptoms have ever been

what do i have to do to get doctors to listen to me and help me

i just don't know what to do anymore besides cry all day long and wait for exhaustion to set in so i can sleep and escape for a few hours
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-25-2018, 01:50 AM Thread Starter
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I looked up the symptoms of psychosis, and they really don't seem to fit. The reason I considered it in the first place was that my thoughts have become so disorganized and incoherent, but I don't have any delusions. Trying to chase down my own diagnosis when my brain barely wants to even work and I can't even concentrate on what I'm reading sometimes is so hard.
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-25-2018, 03:35 AM Thread Starter
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I am going to try to develop a normal sleep schedule. I kind of doubt it because I know many people with sleep problems who don't have such severe issues as I do, but maybe sleeping on a regular schedule will help. I said I was going to start doing this last night and then stayed up all night researching symptoms trying to figure out what is wrong with me instead, so maybe just saying that I am going to do it on here will help keep me accountable idk
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-25-2018, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lyyli View Post
I'm very sorry for what I have said. I was disgusted with myself after reading my post again. It's very inappropriate. I, myself, knows the feeling of being invalidated. God, how could I've missed that? I should really be more careful with what I post. Again, I'm really sorry.
No, no, please don't feel like that.You have no reason to be sorry. Like I said, I wasn't intending it as an attack or criticism on you. It's just something people say all of the time, and I struggle to explain why just because they can't see it doesn't mean the problem doesn't exist. I understand why people say it, though. If I were in their position, I'd probably have trouble understanding and say similar things.
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