I have been in what I can only describe as my own personal hell the past few years. I have difficulty producing thoughts, speaking, and remembering words. I barely talk to others because the honest truth is most of the time, I have nothing to say. Like there's literally nothing going on in my brain. I used to have all of these complex thoughts and used to joke with friends and say witty things. Now it's like I can only manage to come up with basic thoughts and sentences, like I can go to a drive thru and say "May I have a grilled chicken sandwich?" or I can go to the doctor and say "My head hurts," but that's the extent of my ability to communicate...simple, basic sentences. No creativity, no originality. I used to fantasize about what I would say if I were on a talk show like the Ellen Degeneres show or if I was interviewed by the news, things like that, because I felt like I had so many clever or interesting thoughts that I would love an opportunity to share with the world. Now my thought life consists of basic thoughts like "I'm hungry" and "That's a pretty dog." That's when I have any thoughts at all. I used to post witty captions on pictures I posted on Instagram and such, and now I can never think of anything to say, so I just type a
emoji or something and hit send.
I started seeing a therapist hoping to discuss these issues with someone, but the first session just left me more frustrated because I couldn't even verbalize what was wrong. She can't help me if I can't even describe the problem. Even now in this post, I'm not really adequately describing the problem. I'm just...doing my best with the words my brain will let me find.
I really can't handle this. I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just this half-dead object trapped in consciousness because my brain refuses to die fully. Every day, I wake up and wait for bed time to come so that I can escape consciousness again. Every day, I think how fine it would be if I just didn't wake up next time. I used to get scared and rush to doctors when I felt really ill, and now I'm just like, "Why would I go to the doctor for this? If this killed me, that would be the best thing that could happen."
Idk. Thanks for listening. Sorry I'm not making sense.