I have a very rare, undiscovered disorder
I will try my absolute hardest to articulate this problem I have. I can't put into words exactly what the problem is or how it started but I can express the general idea. Please read and try to sympathize with me as the problem is getting so bad I feel like leaving my country (although I do have other problems that contribute to me wanting to leave my country, what I'm about to type to you is growing worse and worse and is also a factor). This is the first time I'm sharing this with "anybody".
About a year ago I was leasing houses for a property management company. I posted adds on craigslist and on any work day I would get about 5-15 phone calls and about 2-3 appointments, showing houses and getting lease contracts signed. During this time I was under an extreme amount of general anxiety and low self esteem, but to my fault I kept going and interacting with people (hence the low self esteem). I was learning something about myself and about human interaction, aka social skills. I learned that in any interaction between between a human and a human, something called our lizard brain or monkey brain, is always at work. There is always a subcommunication within our lizard or animal brain; and one person is "dominating", and the other person is "submitting". Or the other way around, which ever. The thing I learned about my self is; I'm a submissive person by nature (most likely nurture), and that is how I carry on an interaction. It's how I survive, its how I make friends, its the reason why people are able to like me. I submit, or my lizard brain submits. Whatever. I spoke like this with every person I came into contact with, "submitting" and making it very obvious even in my body language. I had to "lower" myself, and that is how I was leasing houses, getting contracts signed, and making a check. So I kept doing it. Because it worked. Regardless of I how i felt about my self. Now, this is where my main problem comes in, why I'm typing this to you. There was a ethnic group of people, I'll call them group X, whom I came into contact with very often. Not all of them obviously, because each human is different, but it was very common or happened so often, that certain people from group X I couldn't "submit" to. In our lizard brain, human to human, monkey interaction, I couldn't "submit" to a large quantity of people from group X. There was something about their personality or just the way they were, they couldn't "control" me or be the "dominating" person in the interaction. It was like a wall. I was trying and trying, to go "under", in my body language in my animal brain, but I couldn't (or the way there made just wouldn't allow it). There was so many of them that I couldn't "submit" to. The only way I can describe it is.. a wall. They couldn't control me, or be the dominating person in the interaction. After a few months, something happened in my body or my brain, physiologically. This is the part where it gets confusing for me but ill try to articulate and explain to the best of my abilities. Please bare with me. Physiologically speaking, I could feel something in my chest, right around my heart, something caving in? Something in my body, literally, something went from inside out to outside in (this is how it feels like anyway). It was a feeling in my chest. This "change" was probably connected to my brain, something very very deep inside. A part of my brain I can only assume is responsible for anxiety and fear. Sometimes a derogatory term for group X gets shouted in the back of my mind. I'm not crazy, I'm not schitzo. This term gets shouted in the back of my mind, and my chest takes a breath. Now, if I were to purposely, in the back of my mind shout something negative or bad about, say, another person, it doesn't even have to be bad or anything to do with race, it can be that person smells, and again my chest will take a breath. But I know, somewhere deep in my brain, when I say "that person smells" and my chest takes a breath, my chest is taking a breath out of sympathy. Out of the fact that its not true. When my brain shouts something in the back of my mind for the derogatory term for group X, my breath takes a breath. But not because of sympathy, but because somewhere deep inside I'm telling myself, "that's true". And I'm taking the breath more because I feel bad I'm telling myself "its true". By chest is breathing at opposite things for group X then for another person. Fast forward a few months, when I make eye contact with people from group X, my eyes are jumping forward. My body language, my lizard brain, everything is off. Its the total OPPOSITE to how I communicate in a civilized society. I sometimes get the fear that if I look at a member of group X with my eyes jumping forward, or the wrong body language, there going to attack me. And in essence, I am giving them the wrong vibe. Its like a switch in my monkey brain that turns on every time I interact with someone from group X; and its threatening. To the core. Now people every time I interact with someone from group X, they get this guilt. Some of them get angry and some of them feel guilty (they feel their people did this to me). Either way, it eats me up inside I'm making people of group X feel this way. And I cannot, like how I'v been explain, CANNOT interact with people of group X in a civilized manner. Literally. The threatened, lizard brain in my brain gets activated whenever I see someone or talk to someone of group X. It is INSTANTANEOUS. It's messed up, because I cannot live in my society like this. I don't know if its possible for a cure, or exposure therapy. This problem is lodged so far deep in my brain... How can there be a cure? Only God knows my conscience. Only God knows how I feel about this. Because even when I typed that sentence, something in the back of my mind whispered "no you don't feel bad about this". PLEASE ****ING HELP ME.